


Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other

by CNJ



Category: 7th Heaven
Genre: Asthma, Autumn, Betrayal, Bigotry & Prejudice, Broken Families, Cross-Country Moving, Cross-Generational Friendship, Cross-Post, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, Families of Choice, Family, Family Bonding, Family Drama, Family Dynamics, Family Issues, Family Secrets, Glen Oak, Gossip, Half-Siblings, Highly Sensitive Men, Highly Sensitive People, Homeschooling, Introversion, Lies, Long Lost/Secret Relatives, Long-Distance Friendship, Micromanaging Parents, Multi, New England, New Year's Eve, New Year's Kiss, New Years, New York City, New York City on New Year's Day, Overbearing Parents, Parenthood, Paternity, Post-Betrayal, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protestantism, Psychological Drama, Psychological Trauma, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Love, Siblings, Small Towns, Step-parents, Trauma, families
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 09:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 85,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16783960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CNJ/pseuds/CNJ
Summary: It's been a couple of years since Simon graduated from college and there's still more family drama and tragedy to come, both in Simon's life and for his siblings...and he finds out a startling secret about himself that will change his life forever. Complete.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first 7th Heaven fic! 
> 
> I've always loved Simon the best, so I decided to write something on him.
> 
> It's been maybe a year or two since he graduated from college.
> 
> Not sure how long this story will be, but in it, Simon finds out something very startling about himself involving Eric and Annie.
> 
> Other dramas for the others ensue also.
> 
> Disclaimer that none of the characters that 7th Heaven fans recognize are mine at all, much as I wish dear Simon was. So here we go...enjoy!

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**

_By_ : **CNJ**

_PG-13_

**1 Simon:**

I hear the soft sound of someone's iPod telling all of us how dry this summer has been and to conserve water on a late August afternoon as I walk down the street to my apartment near the college I graduated from.

As I walk home from work at the local radio station, I push my wire-rimmed glasses up my snub nose and check my cell phone for messages.

There are three...one from Matt, one from Lucy and one from Mom or Dad back in Glenoak.

"Hi, Simon...it's Sarah and me...just wanted to see how your job hunt is going...been busy here in New York, especially with Jacob and Miriam...they're almost two now and Sarah and I had to childproof the whole place. You should see all the gadgets they have these days..." Matt laughs.

"Good thing we're done with our internships, so we have more flexible hours to be with our kids. Hey, Sime, I'll keep my fingers crossed that you land that great opportunity in film design...talk later..." Matt clicks off.

"Simon, are you there? I wish you'd pick up once in a while...you're done with school and just have work...well, I wanted to ask if you have some of your old art supplies from school...if you do, can you send them over to me? It's for a project I'm doing with Savannah..." Lucy seems to be paying half of her attention to someone else in the place.

"Mom...Mom, Savannah doesn't need another cookie...I just gave her some...Mom!"

Mom's voice says something I can't quite understand in the background.

"Mom, she'll get a sugar rush and I'll never get her settled back down to her schoolwork again...and since Kevin left me and we moved back home, she's already been restless as it is...then just get Ruthie to act like a mother for a change and shut her own baby up; that baby's been crying all afternoon and Ruthie just ignores her!"

Lucy comes back to my phone with a gusty sigh.

"Well, send over the supplies...unless you ever decide to come home again, then bring them...when are you coming for dinner or church or something? Sam and David hardly remember who you are except some sad ghost who moped around. I gotta go and put Rick down for his nap...he's trying not to yawn..."

Right before Lucy clicks off, I hear Mom snap something and Lucy start to shriek back at her.

I get the feeling that another argument is brewing between them.

"Hi, Simon, it's Dad. I'm about to leave the church and head home for dinner, but I just wanted to see how you were doing with the job hunt. Are you sure there is really nothing I can help you with? I really know a lot of people here in Glenoak and if you want to go into movies, there are studios in towns near Glenoak and I can get you something good here and jumpstart your career...ever since Ruthie had Kaylee last year, I was thinking of how you almost married Rose after we thought you'd gotten her pregnant" Dad kind of sputters a minute and heaves a gusty sigh.

"I could kill that Mac for running off on Ruthie and leaving her with his illegitimate offspring that now I have to support...at least Martin stands apart from Mac in that respect...he and Sandy have another son now and it's good that Martin righted his mistake and got married...it's a shame Ruthie didn't snag him first and marry him without being foolish enough to get pregnant."

Dad pauses a minute and I get the feeling he's thinking about my active sex life in college.

"I'm just glad you didn't end up with Martin's mistake and having to marry Rose...you haven't had any...since? Because your mother has her hands full not only taking care of Sam and David, but of Lucy's two kids and Ruthie's daughter as well, not to mention that I'm still homeschooling the twins and your mother and Lucy are homeschooling Savannah. You know Savannah's old enough for school this year. Well, call me back and see if we can make plans for me to set up some interviews for you...set up some connections...it's a tough world out there, son and I want to give you the advantage..."

I go through the messages again and make a mental note to call Matt tonight and maybe send Lucy some poster boards I have in my linen closet.

I get home, relieved to be in my own place, this time paying the entire rent.

It's an efficiency, but I mostly have books and papers and some small furniture, so I don't need a big place yet.

I sift through my mail, but it's mostly the phone bill and junk mail.

Much as I love my parents, I am glad that they can no longer just pop in whenever they feel like.

I still feel a tiny stab of guilt, yet also defiance in remembering how they'd tried to micromanage all of our lives...especially our love and sex lives.

Matt and I are the only ones who had sex outside of marriage...only Matt was more adept at keeping it hidden from Mom and Dad.

He'd at least one that he told me about before he met Sarah and married her.

I wasn't so savvy; Mom and Dad sniffed it out when I had sex first with Cecilia, then with Georgia and came on me like two vultures.

Maybe I should explain a little about Mom and Dad and the...culture or religion my family comes from.

Dad is a minister in a small, conservative Protestant church in south central California in this small town of Glenoak.

Most people of my parents' religious sect believe that all non-marital sex is bad, a sin somehow.

They also believe that people shouldn't live with their boy or girlfriends and that being gay is somehow "bad."

They believe people should get married as young as possible to avoid "premarital" sex and that no one should have a child while unmarried.

Perhaps there are many of you who grew up with similar beliefs, but I know there are a lot of you here who find my parents' beliefs odd or narrow.

I always knew that I was growing up in an unusual home and have tried to break free of that conditioning.

I feel a tad guilty because I love my parents and family...but I don't condone some of what many of them do in the name of "religion" or "values" or beliefs.

It's a bit hard to explain. But a it's also a large part of why Lucy is back living with them again and why Ruthie is still living with them and now has a baby at barely nineteen.

Mom and Dad tried to bulldoze Mac into marrying her, but neither one of them wanted an early marriage and Mac just took off, which is a shame because without Mom and Dad's interference, Mac had a chance of being a decent dad to little Kaylee...or both he and Ruthie could have had an intelligent discussion away from Mom and Dad and decided since they weren't ready to be parents, to put Kaylee for adoption and give innocent Kaylee, who didn't ask to be born, a chance to grow up with real parents who really want her.

Now Ruthie is really not interested in being a mom too much and both she and Lucy rely too much on Mom and Dad to basically raise their kids for them. It's sad.

After I change into casual sweats from my work shirt and pants, I start making something for dinner.

As I put a potpie in the microwave, I call Matt and Sarah. Sarah answers.

"Simon, hi!" she greets warmly.

"Hi, Sarah...how are the kids?"

"They're doing all right...say hi to Uncle Simon..."

"Hello..." I greet the little warbling chirps that come from my niece and nephew.

I've met them a couple of times and they are so cute.

When Sarah was pregnant with them three years ago, we'd thought they were both boys, but it turned out to be one of each, a boy and a girl, which is nice.

Sarah and Matt are swell parents...unlike most of the others in our family, they waited until they were well-established and stable before marrying and having their kids.

I envy them a little, being so far in New York City.

"Matt's not home right now...I got home from work about an hour ago and Matt's working late on a surgery...it's really hot here...humid also...is there still a draught in your area?"

"Yeah...I hope we get rain soon because we need it...usually the long dry spells are down around LA and closer to Glenoak," I tell her as the microwave nings.

"Do you ever hear from Mary?" Sarah asks.

"I haven't since last spring," I say. "Sometime around late March, she did call me and wished me a happy birthday and told me that she was settled in LA and is working for the post office...something about mail processing..."

"So she and Carlos officially divorced?"

"Yeah...she sees their kids, but not too often...Carlos is still in Puerto Rico and once in a great while, Mary flies down there to see them...I hope Charlie, Teresa, and Sara stay close to her."

I remember how shocked we all were when Mary abruptly left Carlos the first time when little Charlie was just a baby.

Gave us no reason, didn't even call us for months, just left Carlos with the dirty work of telling us.

Not even Matt or Sarah had the whole story.

She returned for a year or so, then left again.

"So, how've you been doing...no more asthma trouble this summer...is your career getting going...any offers?" Sarah asks.

Last year, I developed asthma. That wasn't easy for me to deal with, but I'm getting used to taking medication and just dealing with chronic illness.

"No, haven't had any more attacks...and as for jobs, not yet...so I'm paying my bills by my temp jobs with cell phone programming...Dad of course, is offering to orchestrate the ultimate job for me...but I want to find something on my own...just once, do something on my own..."

"I know how that is...I'm glad you're breaking out of that shell and becoming more independent...you were always the quietest one in your family, but somehow, even when I met you as a teenager, you had this...determined independence inside of you that I suspected would break free of your family's status quo."

I laugh a bit. "I always thought Matt was the most independent one of our family...he always was able to stand up to Mom and Dad, even when Mom gave that look and Dad gave that head-forward glare...even today, I still cringe...whenever they gave me their looks, I'd just quiver and melt inside."

"Both you and Matt have done extremely well...don't sell yourself short...you had lots of problems and all, but you still graduated with honors and your career looks promising...something will come your way."

"I hope so...Sarah...one of the places I've sent my resume to is New York City...I might move there if I get an offer...how would you and Matt feel about that?"

"Hey, it'd be great! The other day, Matt and I were talking and Matt was hoping you could come from Christmas or Thanksgiving...if you came, you could be here..."

"I wish I could come there more often...I really miss you and Matt...I'm so sorry I haven't been there for so long...since last Thanksgiving...and Mom tried to guilt me into coming back to Glenoak for days..."

Sarah laughs a little, remembering.

"And she also called Matt and yelled at him for inviting you up there instead of all of us flying down there."

Mom and Dad forget that Sarah and other people have other family members in other parts of the world that we'd like to see.

We talk for a while longer, then Sarah tells me that her twins are trying to eat the remaining cookies all at once and bickering over then.

"I'd better see that they don't tear apart the box and cabinet or all three of us are going to have a huge mess to clean up...I'll tell Matt you called...bye now."

"Bye, Sarah...give the kids a kiss for me," I disconnect, then eat my somewhat dried-out potpie while reading an issue of _Money_ magazine.

My cell vibrates again, but I ignore it and just eat.

But curiosity gets the better of me and I check the message. Sandy. I start a bit, then listen.

"Hi, Simon...it's me...I never did thank you for all the support you gave me while I was pregnant and Martin was avoiding me...Martin's still kind of avoiding me even today...I wish I had somebody to talk to, but it's just me and the boys...Martin's working long hours in the mailroom and comes home and just plops in front of the TV...and his dad just pops in whenever he wants and they sit and talk and act like I'm not even there much of the time...it's the pits...I hope you get this message...but if you call me, call me in the day from around nine to five...that's when I'm alone...and also, Martin still spends too much time with Eric and Annie...Ruthie's still there...I tell myself that anything they had is long over and Ruthie's tied up with her own kid...what a mess...she has this out-of-wedlock baby...Mac's such a jerk...at least Martin came around, even though he's still a jerk also, but I'm in a better place than Ruthie...anyway...Simon...I miss you and loved some of the talks we had...by for now."

Sandy clicks off. I feel bad for both Sandy and Martin...they both had one sexual encounter without protection, then Martin just dumped Sandy and even when Sandy tried to tell him she was pregnant, he still avoided her until Sandy basically blackmailed him into staying with her.

And the funny thing is, was that Martin was always criticizing others who had non-marital sex, including me. Ironic how it all turned out.

Mom and Dad got wind of it all and basically railroaded and guilted them into marrying.

But the one I feel worst for is little Aaron, who is in the situation by no fault of his own...and his little brother who's almost a year old now.

Somehow, as I polish off the potpie and watch the sun spill magenta and orange throughout the sky as it sets, I have the feeling that the coming fall will bring more changes and not just in my career, but in all of our lives.

This isn't going to be the end of our family dramas, I fear.


	2. Chapter 2

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**

_By_ : CNJ

_PG-13_

**2**

Meredith Davis, Nigel and Lynn Hamilton and I laugh as we go over some old memories a week later that weekend in a restaurant in San Francisco.

Nigel, my old friend from grammar and middle school and his younger sister, who is Ruthie's age, now live in San Francisco.

So does Meredith, who I met in college along with her three sisters and one brother.

Once in a while, the four of us meet, usually in San Francisco.

Nigel is a writer for the _San Francisco Chronicle_ while Lynn is in her final year of college and is majoring in psychology.

Meredith is Lynn's age and is majoring in art.

Meredith I actually met through her sister, Christina.

She and her siblings had grown up in foster care.

When the oldest Davis, Christina, started college, the foster system turned out of the home she was in with no place to live, so I took her in my dorm.

Unfortunately, the dorm had rules against overnight guests, so I wound up in trouble with the dorm heads and we both had to move out of the dorm.

I'd asked Lucy's then-husband, Kevin for help in finding off-campus housing.

Dad got himself involved, of course once he got wind of it.

Dad was already upset with me because I'd begun to have an active sex life, but once I told him about the Davis situation, he did soften some, especially once he saw how sweet Christina was and that no, she and I were _not_ having sex as he assumed we were.

I was just trying to find a home for all the Davis kids since they'd been separated.

It was the parents of my high school girlfriend, Cecilia, who'd stepped forward and offered to adopt the Davis children so they could be all together and have a permanent home.

I used to be so afraid of Cecilia's dad; he seemed so intimidating and was always suspicious of me.

Just getting that piercing gaze of his would make my throat go dry.

But now I realize that he has a kind heart, both he and her mom.

As our food arrives, I can see the fog rolling in.

It's chilly tonight, as usual here in San Francisco, definitely colder I remember Glenoak being.

"I used to wonder what seasons we had in Glenoak," Nigel says as he sips his tea.

"Early fall, spring, mild summer," Lynn puts in. "The few times we had a cloudy week was when our old church was burned down...remember, Simon, when we stayed over at your parents' place?"

I nod. "Some...we were kids just then..."

"Hey, doesn't Ruthie have a kid now...or did she get married last year or something?" Lynn asks.

"She has a daughter," I confirm. "She still lives back in Glenoak."

"I wonder if she ever really did get completely over Martin," Meredith adds. "What a shock it was for all of us when Martin got Sandy pregnant...Ruthie had a fit over that one."

Nigel and Lynn know about Martin and Sandy and their saga.

"Why did those two get married anyway?" Nigel wonders. "I know they had Aaron, but that's still not a reason to marry...why didn't they put Aaron up for adoption so he could grow up in a home where he's actually wanted?"

"I wonder that so many times myself," I say. "It was a taboo thing in my family to put up a baby for adoption, let alone consider abortion."

My parents consider unmarried births some 'dirty' little secret also.

"But hey, what could she do? Mac ran off and didn't want to get married...or be a dad...and I don't even think Ruthie wanted to marry either..." I shrug.

We eat for a bit and think about all the little edicts some families have, including mine.

It's kind of embarrassing that my parents have such rigid ideas about what makes a "good" family.

"My dad's a bit traditional in some family matters, but he and Mom always respected us kids, even if we made different decisions...they sure welcomed our cousins without any judgment on my aunt even when she wasn't married and had them," Meredith says.

"Same thing when Keisha came out that she was bisexual," Nigel puts in. "She was a bit scared at first, but Mom and Dad just hugged her and reassured her that it didn't change a thing."

I remember something Matt told me earlier in the week when we finally touched base over the phone...Matt found out that Robbie Palmer, an old boyfriend of Mary's, is also bisexual.

Thinking of bisexuality and families reminds me of Charlotte Kerjez, a holocaust survivor I'd befriended back when I was eleven.

I'd wept oceans of tears over her sad, sad story and her courage.

Her entire family died in a concentration camp.

Her story still brings tears to my eyes sometimes even today.

She's now in a retirement community way in the northern part of this state, in the higher mountains.

Once in a great while I visit her and we write from time to time.

"It sure didn't make a difference who was married or what their sexual orientation was for Ms. Kerjez and her family," I say softly. They all know who she is.

"How is she?" Lynn asks.

"Getting up there in years, but still getting around," I tell her. Charlotte's now ninety-three years old. "Her daughters visit her often."

"Most of the world's wars, including the holocaust, are started over religion," Nigel says.

"I wonder why that is?" Meredith asks.

"Narrow-mindedness," Lynn says. "Too many people with too many rigid narrow ideas about how others should live...no offense on your folks, Simon."

"None taken." I nod and we all laugh a little.

After dinner, we take a stroll around Fisherman's Wharf and strain to see the Bay Bridge and Alcatraz Prison, but the fog makes it hard.

* * *

It's early in the evening when I return on Saturday.

Once I'm home, I check my cell messages.

" _Hi, Simon, it's Mom_... _next weekend is Labor Day and we're having a cookout_... _I hope you can come_... _you really should; it's been so long since you've been home_... _do try to make time to come_... _the family would really like to see you...I hope your cough from last time is better too...is Sarah recommending the right medication for that asthma of yours?_ _I'm trying to get Matt and Sarah to come also, but you know how it's like pulling teeth to get those two to come to any family gatherings anymore_... _if you talk to them, try to talk them into coming..._ " Mom sighs. " _Well, I love you and hope to see you next weekend_...b _ye_."

Lucy's voice shrills through the next message.

" _Simon_... _still not picking up, huh_. _You never pick up, why is that?_ _Well, are you going to send those supplies or not? You never called me back and I still just keep getting your voice mail_."

Lucy heaves a gusty, plaintive sigh. Oops, I forgot about that.

" _Well, Mom's having a cookout Labor Day weekend, so if you can dignify us with your presence, maybe you can bring over the stuff for Savannah_... _I have to keep bribing her to concentrate on the alphabet as it is_... _and Sam and David get loud and silly also...they started school also and Dad is trying to teach them fractions_... _honestly, between those two and Ruthie and her baby...and Mary's even going to be there...I just hope she doesn't get into another of her silly arguments with Dad again like she did last time she was home...Mom's happy about that, but I'm not...honestly, Mom pampers Mary whenever she's home and it just makes me so sick_... _well, come over next weekend, this family needs more time together_... _just find the time to come this weekend, okay? Mom and Dad are really not that horrible that you have to avoid them, then act so skittish when you are around them_." Lucy clicks off.

" _Hey, Simon..._ " I startle at Ruthie's voice. She never calls me these days. " _Hope you can come home for Labor Day weekend. What is up with you that you avoid the family like the plague or something? I know Mom and Dad kicked you around when you were in high school and college and you have that asthma, but grow up already_.... _they get on my case these days for having an out-of-wedlock kid and also complain about Matt never coming home either_.... _oh, hey, I hope Martin's coming to the cookout_... _and don't stay away because of him either; he's tied to that tramp Sandy since he got her knocked up..._ "

Ruthie pauses and I grit my teeth and frown at her badmouthing Sandy.

" _I still can't believe he chose her over me_... _what does Sandy have that I don't have?_ "

"Lots..." I mutter.

I feel disloyal thinking that way about my own sister, but since she was a teen, Ruthie's gotten to be a real pain at times and is rather self-centered and superficial.

And I hate how Ruthie trashes Sandy simply because she used to, or still does like Martin.

" _Well, despite the mess Martin got himself into with her, he's not a bad guy, so you don't have to act all nervous around him_... _and for Sam and David's sakes, don't mope, Simon_... _they think you're a depressed basket case as it is_... _I'm still hoping Martin wises up and ditches Sandy_... _Sandy's a horrible wife and mother_... _I could do a lot better..._ "

"Like shit you could..." I say under my breath.

" _I'm sick of being at home and Mom and Lucy can be such a pain_... _they're always criticizing me and how I raise Kaylee_... _like Lucy's doing any better with her own kids_... _Mom and I end up taking care of Savannah and Rick most of the time and I'm so tired of it_... _not to mention that crap job in Dad's church_... _I do hope you find the time to get home Labor Day weekend..._ "

Ruthie clicks off. I delete the messages.

I debate a long minute on whether to come back to Glenoak, then decide it's worth it even if it's to also see my little brothers and my nieces and nephews again.

I hope I can also see Sandy and Aaron again also.

I really don't know how the Sandy/Martin situation will evolve, but I hope little Aaron and his baby brother, Micheal don't suffer horribly.

They're the ones I feel the worst for.

They never asked to be born into the Brewer "family."

* * *

"So, Simon, you made it," Mom pounces on me with a hug and I hug back.

This is one of the warm parts of Mom, her embrace.

It makes me feel a tad mixed inside because sometimes she's cold, other times warm.

"Matt and Sarah, of course, aren't coming, but what else is new?" Mom complains. "It's like they don't realize they have us as family any more."

Looking around the yard and trying to ignore Mom's complaints about Matt and Sarah, I see Lucy and Savannah.

I wave in their direction as I approach.

"Simon, you finally made it!" Lucy calls.

"I did...hi, Luce...hey, Savannah..." I hold my arms out and Savannah comes over for a hug.

"Hiii, Uncle Simon..." she greets.

"Almost everyone's here," Lucy tells me. "They're around back..."

"Moooom!" I hear Ruthie's voice ring out from the back.

Lucy rolls her eyes and I have to grin. We head to the back, Mom with us.

Ruthie comes up to Mom. "Mom, Sam and David grabbed some of the burgers and are eating them!" she complains. "If they keep eating like that, we won't have any left over!"

At the grill, Dad is tending. "Eric, keep the boys from grabbing too much food before we sit..." Mom tells him.

"They just had three...I can get some more..."

Dad and I greet each other.

"Any luck with work?" Dad asks. "Never heard back from you about it."

"Not yet," I say.

I lean on a table and look around.

Little Rick is tearing about the grass flying a toy airplane and Sam is trying to pull off David's shirt.

David meanwhile is taking bits of grass and dumping it down Sam's pants.

I think Dad sees, but pretends not to notice.

"Siiimon!" It's Mary and she bounds up to me. "Good to see you!"

"Hi, Mary," I say. I reach out to hug her, but she mostly just slaps my shoulder, making me wince. "How's the post office?"

"Boring, but it's a job...no duller than Dad's or Lucy's."

"Mary..." Dad starts.

They stare at each other a moment and I take that opportunity to escape, just walk around. The day is breezy and cool.

"I hope Martin comes," Ruthie sidles up beside me, her dark curls bouncing.

I hope not, I think fearfully, but figure that if Martin comes, Sandy will also and it'll be good seeing Sandy and Aaron again.

"He still comes to see me sometimes," Ruthie declares.

She smiles up at me as we walk.

"That's nice..." I say.

"I think Martin still hasn't forgotten the times we spent together," Ruthie goes on.

I see a spark of dreaminess in her hazel eyes and have an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Does Sandy ever come over here?" I ask quietly.

"No." Ruthie says and looks at me as if I've gone insane. "Sandy has her hands full with the boys and besides, Mom and Lucy can't stand her."

"Why?" I'm a bit stunned.

I also think Ruthie also "can't stand" Sandy, but will not admit it.

"What did she ever do to them?" I ask.

Ruthie rolls her eyes at me as if I'm being dense. "You know about Sandy's past...and how she got pregnant with Martin...I had a chance of something going until Sandy got in the way and wrecked it and ruined Martin's life."

"Come on, as if that's any of their business and besides Martin and Sandy were equally responsible," I say. "If Lucy and Mom have a grudge against Sandy over her sex life, that's lame. And if they begrudge Sandy for having sex with Martin and having his baby, they should blame Martin also."

"Martin was trapped," Ruthie says indignantly. "He didn't know she'd get pregnant."

"But having sex without protection puts you at risk for having a baby, whether you're the mother or father..." I insist. "And it's time the guys started taking their half of the responsibility instead of just blaming the woman. Why is it always the woman's 'fault'?"

"Takes one to know one, doesn't it?" Ruthie says with a cold smile my way.

"Sure, whatever," I don't want to get into an argument with her.

Mom calls us to eat and we walk back to the table.

I think over what different directions Ruthie and I have taken.

We were once so close as kids, being the two youngest.

I really don't know when we began drifting apart.

I could say that it was when I started high school, I guess, but I also remember a time around when I'd first met Charlotte Kerjez and cried over her sad story.

I remember bits and pieces clearly, but Ruthie was five and had drawn all over the walls and Mom scolded her and ordered her to take soap and clean the mess up.

Ruthie had gotten mad and told Mom I hate you.

It had hurt Mom really badly and Mom had cried.

I guess what had shocked me was not Ruthie telling Mom that she "hated" her, but after seeing Mom upset, her not feeling at all bad about it.

I'd tried to get her to apologize to Mom, but she snapped back at me and refused and said more mean things to Mom.

I remember waking up several times and watching my sister sleep peacefully, unmindful of how she'd upset Mom.

It sounds like a small thing, but I'll never really understand why it bothered me so much that Ruthie didn't feel bad about making Mom cry.

Maybe Ruthie felt bad and apologized later; I don't remember how that was resolved.

I also remember that Matt was very upset because he'd had a girlfriend, Joanna and Mary and Lucy were rude to her and upset Joanna and Joanne broke up with Matt.

I remember Matt crying quietly in his room and I'd stood outside and couldn't decide whether to go in and try to comfort him, but having the feeling that he wanted to be left alone.

At the table, we sit. Mom is carrying little Kaylee while Lucy is herding Savannah and Rick to their places at the kids' table.

Dad starts to say a grace, but the gate opens and in walk Martin and Sandy with their boys in tow.

"Hiii, Martin!" Ruthie bellows.

She gets up and gives Martin a hug.

Martin grins and hugs back. Sandy hangs back, looking slightly uncomfortable.

I feel sorry for her, so I get up and give her and her boys a hug.

"Hello, Sandy..." I say.

"Hi, Simon...hi, everybody," she greets.

Mom and Dad greet her and Martin, but I notice neither Lucy or Ruthie do.

Ruthie starts to walk with Martin and tries to direct him next to her, but Mom gives her disapproving stare at Ruthie and sharply points at her to sit down and let Martin seat himself.

Sandy seats the Aaron at the kids' table, but holds baby Micheal.

He's so cute...very tiny with reddish hair and Sandy's dark eyes. Aaron has Martin's pale blue eyes.

Martin winds up two seats from me.

"So...finally we see you again, Simon," he says with a false politeness that doesn't fool me.

I'm the only one who sees the slight curl of his lip.

"Hello, Martin," I greet with a controlled politeness.

I take a fork and try not to stab into my burger and salad too hard and try not to imagine it being Martin's face.

I imagine Martin is having the same lovely thoughts about me as he eats.

Dad smiles at Martin and Sandy and continues his grace.

"And may God continue to bless this wonderful family and this great meal...amen," he finishes.

"Amen..." we all echo and continue eating.

All through the dinner, Ruthie and Martin chatter nonstop.

I talk some with Sandy while Ruthie and Lucy roll their eyes at each other and furtively give Sandy dirty looks.

"Ruthie...I think Kaylee wet herself...could you change her?" Mom says, handing over Ruthie's own daughter.

"Moom, I'm eating and talking!" Ruthie complains.

Kaylee begins to whimper a bit.

"So am I, Ruthie..." Mom's voice has an impatient edge.

"Yeah, hurry up, she's beginning to smell," Sam puts in and holds his nose.

David mock-gags and makes a twisted face and Savannah and Rick giggle.

"And she just farted!" David announces.

"Boys!" Mom snaps and glares at them. "Ruthie, go change Kaylee this instant."

Ruthie jerks up from the table, knocking her chair over backwards and takes Kaylee into the house. Martin and Mary laugh.

"It's not funny! She's so immature," Lucy rolls her eyes. "Mom, Dad, how come you let her get away with all her nonsense?"

"What nonsense?" Mom asks. "I told her to go in and change her daughter, end of story."

"Well, this time you did, but most days, you just take over and do everything for her and never help me with Savannah and Rick when I need it," Lucy rants on. "And Mary here is no help when she's home; all she does is lie around the house, complain and eat up all the food in the house and you pamper her like the prodigal princess!"

"Hey, sis, you're the one who's spoiled around here!" Mary snipes. "Look at you, back at home, Mommy and Daddy waiting on you and Daddy giving you that ministry job and Mom still cooking for you every day and buying you all that junk so you can homeschool and spoil Savannah!"

"I do my own cooking!" Lucy snipes back, her face going red. "And if you remember, I went to college for my minister position and _earned_ my way unlike you, who lazed around in college and today bump from one lousy job after another, not to mention abandoning your husband and kids..."

"That's none of your business what happened between Carlos and me!" Mary yells back.

Both are standing at opposite ends.

Dad waves, trying to get them to sit and stop yelling at each other, but to little avail.

"You just spoil Savannah just like you were spoiled, keeping her at home like she's too good for the world..." Mary barrels on, unmindful of everyone staring.

Everyone except me; I am looking down and wishing I could disappear.

"Well, I homeschool her because I don't want her in any stinking public school with all the drugs, guns, and sex in there these days..." Lucy yells.

" _QUIET_ and _SIT BACK DOWN_ , both of you!" Dad booms, glaring at both of them.

Mary and Lucy sit, still glowering at each other, their blue eyes burning angrily.

"I was hoping this cookout would proceed without the two of you getting into one of your silly, childish arguments. Not another word out of either of you...it's a shame I have to treat you two like kids again, but if you act like it, then..."

Dad lets out a blustery breath and waves his hands in the air.

The rest of the dinner is a bit stilted.

Some of us talk...Mom and Dad do, the kids do.

Ruthie sulkily comes back without Kaylee.

"I put her in for a nap," she tells us and sits. "I could hear Mary and Lucy yelling like babies at each other." She glares at her sisters. "And you tell me I'm immature, Lucy?" Lucy gives her a filthy look.

The sun is getting low as we finish eating.

Sandy and I help Mom clear off the plates.

As we enter the kitchen and put things away bit by bit.

Lucy tells me, "This is how it usually is with Ruthie and Mary around." We're alone for a moment.

"Do you always fight like this?" I ask. "What's dinner like nowadays?" I dread the answer.

"Not as dramatic when Mary's not around," Lucy says. "But usually whenever Mary's around, Mom ignores me and dotes on Mary and takes care of Ruthie's kid. Dad and I try to spend as much time at the church when Mary's here."

I can hear Kaylee crying upstairs.

"And Kaylee cries almost all the time...if Mom didn't pick up after Ruthie, that baby would cry nonstop. Savannah and Rick never cried like that."

Lucy looks around, then pulls me into the dining room doorway.

"Simon...can I tell you something and promise you won't repeat this?"

"What is it?"

Lucy sighs, then says in a low voice, "I wonder if Ruthie is going to have an affair with Martin...he comes over quite a lot and they whisper when they think no one's looking...I came close once and they gave me this dirty look like I'd pried into their private papers or something."

"Have you mentioned this to Sandy?" I ask.

"No...I don't have proof..." Lucy rolls her eyes. "And Sandy's a fool over Martin anyway; the one time I hinted that she needs to rekindle her marriage, she basically told me to back off."

She abruptly changes the topic. "So...are you staying for the weekend?"

"No, I have to head back," I say. "Things to do at home."

"Home...?" Lucy seems confused and I realize that she still thinks that because it's home to her, that it's home to everyone in the Camden family.

"My apartment," I clarify. "Oh, and I brought over some posterboard for Savannah..."

I go out to my car and bring it in and lay it on the couch.

Lucy studies it critically a minute, then nods.

I'm relieved that she doesn't seem to find anything wrong with it.

Mom groans when I say goodbye to her.

"Simon...I've contacted several people who'd love to interview you for a position here," Dad adds as a carrot to try to get me to stay the weekend. "The interview would just be a formality...I basically got you in..."

"Thanks, Dad, but I want to keep trying on my own," I say, trying to be gracious.

Dad huffs a bit, but doesn't put up an argument.

I go over and hug Savannah and Rick goodbye.

As I say goodbye to Sam and David, I smile at them but I still suspect they think of me as gloomy and depressed.

"Bye, Simon...do make sure you pull in those huge lips of yours...they make you look more morbid than you do," David grins.

"And is your nose ever going to straighten out?" Sam adds, referring to my pug nose. "You sure don't look like the rest of us."

I try not to flush, but end up with red cheeks as I stiffly bid them goodbye.

I also bid goodbye to Sandy, but am afraid to hug her since Martin is hovering nearby.

I wish her luck, kiss Aaron goodbye, then nod coolly at Martin, who sneers at me.

I know Martin still thinks of me as promiscuous trash.

* * *

I get home later that night and am happy to see a message from Matt.

I call him back and we talk about the barbecue. I also talk with Sarah.

"Be glad you weren't there, although Mom complained, as usual," I say.

"So...Simon...are you free next weekend?" Matt asks. I tell him yes.

"Do you want to fly over here?" Matt asks.

"I'd love to," I say, my spirits lifting.

I haven't seen Matt and Sarah in ages and they're more mature than the rest of the family.

So is Sarah's family; her parents now live in New Jersey and she has cousins in New York City also.

We make plans for that following weekend and I arrange to take that Monday off for a long weekend.

It'll be a breather after this weekend.


	3. Chapter 3

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**

_By_ : CNJ

_PG-13_

3

"Guest towels are on the blue rack on the right," Matt points as he shows me the bathroom.

I nod as Matt and Sarah leave so I can wash up a little.

I can't believe I'm here in New York City again.

It's so good not only seeing them again, but their twins. Their kids are so beautiful!

Jacob looks a lot like Sarah with curly dark hair and brown eyes while Miriam has curly hair also, but her face looks like Matt's...hazel eyes, brows that promise to be thick, and dark, rather wavy hair.

As I wash my own face, I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror...thick, straight, honey-blond hair, silver eyes that sometimes dull into dark gray when I'm troubled or sad, my upturned nose, light silvery freckles that snow-flurry across my cheeks and over my nose, large lips, and thick, thick brows.

I think about something Sam said at the cookout...how I don't look like the rest of my family.

I put the washcloth down and look at myself more closely.

It's difficult...I don't have the best feelings about myself, especially since a terrible accident I had at seventeen where a kid on drugs without a helmet rode in front of my car and I accidentally struck and killed him.

It took me several years to really recover from that horrible experience and even today, I still suffer from the awful guilt and humiliation.

Even today I still sometimes cry about it.

For a year, I could not even bear to look at myself at all.

Now looking at myself, I suspect Sam is right...no one else in my family has freckles; no one else in my family has the pug nose I have; no one else has the slight almond shape to my eyes that I have; no one else even has hair as straight and flat as mine; no one else has the large lips that I have.

Matt, Mary, and Ruthie all have dark brown hair while Lucy has light brown hair that she often dyes blond; Ruthie and Matt have hazel eyes while Mary, Lucy, Mom and Dad have blue eyes.

Matt and Ruthie inherited their hazel eyes from Grandma Ruth.

Ruthie and Grandma Ruth have curly hair while Matt, Lucy, Mary, Mom, and Dad all have slightly wavy hair.

I think about my grandparents...Grandpa, who we call the Colonel due to his military position, also has wavy hair and Mom's parents did also.

Why is my hair so straight? I wonder.

As always, I come up with no answer to this question.

I turn away from the mirror and rinse my face, trying to clear my mind of the thoughts troubling me.

Maybe I have wayward genes, I thought wryly.

* * *

"How about we try that Scottish place on 137th street?" Sarah suggests.

"Sure..." Matt and I nod.

"Do mens really wear 'kirts in 'cotland?" Miriam asks.

"Some of them do," Matt tells her as we get ready to go. "Only over there, they're called kilts."

It's cooler now, being September, so we take sweaters and Sarah and Matt put light jackets on their kids.

It's not a long walk there, so we get there in no time.

One nice thing about New York and a lot of other cities is that you can walk almost everywhere and if it's too far, there's usually a train or bus that takes you right there, so you don't even need a car.

It sure is different from Glenoak.

There's a twenty minute wait for a table, so we sit in a foyer-like section and continue catching up while the twins play with the little matchbox cars Matt and Sarah brought with them.

"John got his PhD degree," Matt tells us. "And Keisha made editor of _Milwaukee Times_."

"That's fantastic!" I say.

John is a physicist and Keisha works for the newspaper _Milwaukee Times_. John lives in Chicago, not too far from Keisha.

We don't see them very often, but they keep in touch with Matt, Sarah, and sometimes me.

As tables are called, I spot two rather familiar-looking women ahead of us.

They're standing near the inner door and one of them has long golden-blond straight hair while the other has dark brown, shoulder-length hair.

As people move up, the blond-haired woman turns and our eyes widen as Shana and I recognize each other.

"Simon...?"

"Shana...?"

"Heather..." Shana gets Heather's attention and quickly signs.

By this time, Matt and Sarah have recognized them and call to them.

The next few minutes are a sort of re-union.

Shana Sullivan and Heather Caine are former girlfriends of Matt's.

It's great seeing those two again and I can tell Matt and Sarah are pleased to see them.

It's nice because despite the long history Matt had with each of them, there's no awkwardness between them.

Matt introduces them to the twins and Sarah.

Matt's obviously told Sarah about them and has shown her pictures because Sarah seems completely at ease with them.

We also find out that Heather is a professor at Gallaudet University and is divorced with a son, Luke, while Shana is a doctor and widowed with a daughter, Kathleen.

Both now live in Washington, DC and are neighbors.

Shana and Heather are called to their table and invite us to join them, so we wind up sitting together and doing lots of catching up.

The twins are obviously intrigued by Heather and Shana.

"Are you aunties?" Jacob asks. Heather and Shana laugh.

No, we're just old friends of your mommy and daddy," Shana tells him. "My little girl is your age. She's with a family friend for the weekend."

"Maybe we play with her," Miriam adds.

"Maybe, if it's all right with your parents," Heather says.

She is hard of hearing, so she often signs.

Her speech is now clearer than I remember it being years ago when she first dated Matt back when Matt was in high school and college.

"Film producing, you're in?" Shana asks me.

I nod and tell her about my years at college a bit.

I also ask her if it's true that every spring Washington has cherry blossom parades.

"They do...and they're lovely." Shana sips her water.

Our meals come and we start eating.

"Remember when we took the kids last year?" Heather asks. "Luke thought the blossoms were candy or something and tried to eat them. I had to keep pulling petals and buds out of his mouth." We laugh softly at that one.

"Like we gots addle flowers here," Jacob says.

I'm puzzled for a minute, not knowing what he means by _addle_.

"You can eat them...they're little round, red things," Jacob adds.

I realize he's talking about _apples_.

We eat and talk for a long time and find out that Heather and Shana are here on a doctorate meeting.

They tell us that they visited Ellis Island earlier today.

"It's a fantastic historical place to see," Heather puts in.

"I've been there, but Matt, you haven't been...?" Matt shakes his head.

"And you've never been there, Simon," Matt adds.

I shake my head.

"Hey, why don't we go there tomorrow?" Sarah suggests.

It's a good idea since I've always wanted to see the Statue of Liberty.

I suspect the pictures don't do her justice.

* * *

"The pictures don't do that statue justice," I tell Matt and Sarah the next night after a day touring Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty.

"They don't," Sarah agrees.

We're sitting at an outdoor café for dinner.

There's a light fall breeze in the air and a feeling of waiting...waiting for the leaves to change...waiting for winter.

There's an aliveness here that's not in Glenoak.

"You sure were spooked by that one picture," Matt chuckles.

"That Irish woman looked so much like me," I say. "It kind of gave me chills."

I remember her snub nose and her thick brows and just her face...I'd had the strange feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing a female, late nineteenth century of myself.

I'd stood there, my eyes wide and in a sort of trance until Matt had come over and touched my shoulder and asked if I was all right.

"I'd have sworn she was related to us," Matt sips his wine. "But Mom and Dad have always told us that our ancestors come before Ellis Island...I think Mom's came in the eighteen-twenties from Holland and England while Dad's came over at around eighteen-hundred from England, Scotland, and Belgium."

"Mine narrowly escaped the pogroms in Germany and Russia," Sarah adds.

Sarah's ancestors came over in the late eighteen-hundreds and early nineteen-hundreds.

"I guess it's one of those freak things..." I try to dismiss the slightly unsettled feeling I have inside of me. "Unrelated people do sometimes look alike..."

I still can't completely shake the feeling that there's something more about that long-ago ancestor that has a tie to me...maybe us.

* * *

"This weekend went by too fast," Sarah says as we part at Kennedy Airport.

I nod and look up at the electronic screen for my flight.

My flight is a bit late, so we have some extra time.

Fortunately, it is a rare direct flight, so I don't have to worry about catching a connecting flight.

I just have my one carry on, so I don't have to deal with check in or anything.

"Heard anything from the studio here?" Matt asks. I shake my head.

"Those things sometimes take a while...it took me almost five months to hear from the hospital here," Matt adds.

I nod.

"We'll keep our fingers crossed," Sarah puts in.

The twins are peering around the airport, taking in everything with huge, curious eyes.

They have been in airports several times, so this really isn't that new to them, but their fascination never wanes.

"I'm thinking of applying to more places here and maybe even in Washington," I tell them.

"Good move," Matt nods.

He leans down and strokes the twins in their stroller.

Jacob squirms as if he wants to get out and run around.

Miriam twirls her little toy hourglass and watches the bluish sparkles glitter inside.

"Kids, I'm leaving soon, but I hope to see you again soon," I tell the twins.

"Want to give Uncle Simon a kiss?" Matt asks.

He unbuckles them and I pick them up, giving them a hug.

Miriam says something like, _Ummppmmppphhh_ and plants a wet kiss on my cheek and licks it.

I laugh a little and kiss her back. I kiss Jacob also and he leans his head into my neck, so I wind up kissing his hair.

"Good-bye..." I tell them. "Be good and kind and try to help each other and your Mommy and Daddy all you can. I love you both."

"Aww you coming 'gain?" Miriam asks.

I'm touched and have to blink back tears.

Matt, Sarah and I have discussed the possibility of me coming back here for Christmas.

"Of course I will, sweetheart," I tell her.

It's getting close to my flight time and I have to get through security, so I hand the twins back to Matt and Sarah.

Then we all hug and bid each other good-bye.

I wish I didn't have to leave so soon, but I have a new temp assignment starting Wednesday and need to be back.

"Hey, Simon..." Matt says. "Sarah and I can be your references in your search...good luck in that."

"Good luck," Sarah adds.

"Thanks..." I pick up my carry on and head toward security.

I turn one last time to look at them and we wave.

What a wonderful family they've become, I think as I take off my shoes and prepare to put my bag on the conveyor belt.

I really hope I can have a family like that one day.

I really plan to be careful who I marry and I want my kids to have wonderful parents.

I just hope I can be a good dad one day.


	4. Chapter 4

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**

_By_ : CNJ

_PG-13_

4

 _I'm back in Glenoak at my parents' house sitting at the table with my family_... _both of my parents and all six of my brothers and sisters and we're eating dinner_.

 _I don't know what we're chatting about, but I notice Mom's long blond wig is sliding off, exposing a paler color of hair underneath_.

 _I discreetly point and whisper_ , Mom...your thing...is falling.

 _Mom looks at me in apparent surprise_. What's falling off? _She asks me_.

Your wig, _I whisper_.

Simon, you know I don't wear a wig, _Mom_ _says and goes back to eating_. _The wig is sliding to the side now, exposing pale blond curls_. _I also notice that she has false eyelashes and one is coming loose and bounces a little as she eats and talks_.

 _I stare, wondering why Mom denies having a wig and false eyelashes_.

Simon... _Dad says, peering at me_. What the matter?

M-Mom's wig falling and her eyelashes are loose... _I stutter, feeling inexplicably nervous_. _The twins hear and start to laugh at me_.

Simon, you know your mother doesn't have a wig and is not wearing false lashes, _Dad says, glaring a bit at me_.

But... _I start to squeak_.

That's enough, Simon, _Dad snaps and continues eating_.

Your father's right, _Mom adds_. So, let's not have you go into that nonsense again. You know those things you sometimes think you see aren't true.

 _I fight back tears and feel a strange tightening in my stomach_.

 _Once again, I try to tell the truth and am not believed_.

 _Mom gets up and goes to the kitchen and comes back_.

 _Her wig is gone and her pale curls are completely out_... _but that's sliding down and revealing strawberry-blond hair_.

 _I clear my throat, but this time I say nothing, but my family is looking at me oddly_.

 _I also notice that Dad seems to be adjusting his teeth_.

 _I frown, feeling uneasy and the twins laugh again_.

 _Lucy and Mary join in and Ruthie sarcastically says_ , We'd hoped he wouldn't notice it, but he has, Mom...so which of you is going to tell him?

 _She jerks her thumb in my direction and it seems as if her hand enlarges and goes right into my face_.

 _With a cry, I shrink back and my chair and I tumble over backward and I land on the floor_.

 _The twins, Mary, and Lucy are laughing and Ruthie's smirking at me with contempt_.

Hey, knock it off! _Matt barks and comes over to me_.

Hold it, son! _Dad says_. Simon knocked himself over, so he should get himself back up and stop making a fool out of himself and embarrassing this family.

 _I struggle to stand, but it's hard_. _Matt and Dad are shouting at each other, Matt saying something like_ , Haven't you deceived him long enough? _I'm feeling embarrassed, humiliated and close to tears..._

I wake up, my heart pounding, panting and sweat in my armpits and neck, feeling shaken and slightly sick from this dream.

It takes me a minute to break free from the nightmare and stop panting.

With a shaking hand, I turn my bedside lamp on and feel a surge of gratitude just from being in this room, my own place.

This isn't the first time I've had a dream like this where I try to tell my family something and no one believes me.

Sometimes my sisters mock me in the dream.

In some of the dreams I cry in frustration at not being believed.

Sometimes in the dream, Mom and Dad are patient and hug me and tell me it'll be all right.

Other times, they are trying to be patient, but sigh a lot and keep telling me it's just not true and the thing I see or hear or sense just isn't happening.

There are also other variations of this dream theme where Mom and Dad get angry with me.

I've had this type of dream on and off since I was little and wonder about it sometimes.

I know I won't go back to sleep, so I read for a while, then get up to get ready for work...my first day on a new temp assignment.

* * *

"...so all of these minor program fluctuations get sorted and categorized," our supervisor tells the four of us...Kerry Periwinkle, Jason Wheedle, Tara Betinski and me.

There are four of us on this assignment, which is expected to last a month and a half.

So for most of the days, we're busy with re-programming recycled cell phones.

It's amazing how computer and electronic technology have changed in just the past few years alone.

My table area is next to Kerry's.

Kerry is a short, rotund, black woman who is chatty, so she chats with me quite a bit as we work.

I occasionally put in something, but am mostly quiet.

"So...you're the youngest in your family?" she asks me.

"No...I'm the middle of seven," I say.

Kerry chuckles. "Big family...I'm the youngest of three, but I have a friend who is from a family of eleven."

I whistle a bit.

Later, Terry and I wind up in the lounge for lunch.

"Have you temped long?" I ask.

"About a year...I hope to finish my librarian's degree, so I can get something permanent in library sciences...I love to read, so I hope I can get into a library...I might even apply for federal library jobs...pay's good, great benefits, great retirement."

I nod.

"You?" Kerry's small dark eyes peer at me.

"Started last year...graduated from college...hope I can get into film producing and design...I applied to a couple of places here...and New York...one in LA," I finish my tuna mix and push my glasses up my nose.

I also find out that Kerry has three dogs and lives not too far from this building, a fifteen-minute walk.

I smile when she tells me that one of her dogs is a gray sheepdog, which reminds me of Happy, the dog who was part of my family for a long time.

It's not a bad day and I get home, feeling the assignment is moderately dull, but not enough to put me out of my mind.

The people are easy to work with also and the manager just seems mostly to give her instructions, then vanish.

I get home and as I am in the bathroom, I begin to wheeze a little.

I grab my inhaler and sit on the toilet and pump it into my mouth.

I try to will my bronchial tubes to re-open and try not to start coughing.

It takes a little while, but my bronchioles slowly calm down.

I cough a couple of times, but not too much.

I sit for a minute more with my inhaler, but the attack is over to my relief.

I don't have them too often anymore...just once every couple of months or so.

I often cough for a while afterward, sometimes for up to an hour after an attack.

That's such a pain; I hate coughing.

I shakily stand and debate on going over to the corner sub place to eat or whether to eat just the leftover chicken here at home. I decide to eat here after all.

While I'm eating, Sandy calls. I'm nearly done eating, so I pick up.

"Hi, Simon..."

"Hi, Sandy..." I say. "It was good seeing you the other week."

"Same here...you look good," she tells me.

I remember something. "M-Martin's not...?

"No, he went someplace with his dad...I think," Sandy reassures me.

The word is a bit pregnant, so I wait a minute for her to elaborate.

"Simon...I think Martin's cheating on me...with Ruthie," she blurts out.

 _Oh_ , I breathe. I really shouldn't be surprised.

"Do you ever talk to Ruthie any more? I mean outside of family gatherings? Has she talked to you about what goes on with her?"

"No, she doesn't," I say. "She rarely calls me...and I admit I don't call her that often either...have you thought of asking Martin what's going on?"

Sandy heaves a sigh. "He'd deny it, of course...do you think maybe Detective Micheals could secretly find out what's going on?"

"You could try him...I don't really know how much he can find out or what he can do..."

"I know he doesn't love me...he only married me because Reverend Camden," Sandy sighs again.

"Oh, Sandy..." I say sadly. "You've never thought about getting better paid work so you could leave him?"

"I have two little boys, Simon," Sandy says as if I don't know. "Annie has her hands full and anyway, we both know how she feels about me, so she's out...and Martin's dad works full time..."

"How about daycare?" I suggest.

"I don't want strangers raising them..."

"But if you got to know the workers there, they wouldn't be strangers," I insist. "Matt and Sarah have daycare for their twins and the people there are no 'strangers' to them...they love it there and are making friends...you could support them yourself..."

We talk about more. Sandy still seems to be dragging her feet, unwilling to think about making any move to improve her life or her kids' lives.

I guess I can see why because my parents and lots of people in my parents' church see day care as a bad thing.

"Sandy..." I conclude. "Really do consider what I suggested...not only will your life improve, but think about your sons...do you want them to think that marriage is all about tolerating your partner?"

"No..." Sandy says softly.

After we hang up, I clear away my plate, thinking about this whole pro-marriage ethos that I grew up with.

Now that I'm out on my own, I see lots of people from divorced-parent homes and their families are just as happy as married-parent families.

I can actually say many of them are even happier than my family.

But lots of it depends on how the couple handles the divorce. I think of Lucy and Kevin's breakup...Lucy thought it was a huge scandal and almost left the ministry.

Dad talked her into staying, thank goodness.

But Lucy just moved back in with my parents because she didn't want "strangers" raising her kids.

But I have to wonder if Savannah and Rick are really better off in Mom and Dad's house and seldom meeting anyone outside the family.

My cell rings again. I see Mom and Dad's house flash up, so I let the voice mail pick up, not sure who it's from and wanting to see what they want.

To my surprise, it's Savannah. " _Hi, Uncle Simon_... _are you coming back again_... _it's lonely here with just Mommy, my brother, and Grandma and Grandpa..._ "

I quickly pick up. I'm pleased to find out that she knows how to dial after all.

"Hello, Savannah," I greet her warmly.

"Hi...you're home." Savannah chirps.

"It was good seeing you at the cookout..." I tell her. "You're getting to be a big girl...your mommy tells me you're learning new stuff this year."

"Yeah...Mommy's teaching me about nummers and letters...Grandma helps also...it's kind of lonely here...no one 'cept you and Martin visit anymore."

"Oh, Savannah, I'm so sorry about that," I say, my heart going out to her.

I hope it's not too difficult for her, especially with Mom and Dad hawking over that house and Lucy, who's not the most patient person in the world as her mom, let alone homeschooling her.

To be honest, Savannah needs to be in school.

"I just wish I could get on that lickle yellow bus and go to the school like you and Mommy and Aunt Ruthie did," Savannah says. "Why did you go there? Were Grandma and Grandpa real poor or something and couldn't get the stuff to teach you? Did you see lots of guns and drugs there? Is it true people had sek there?"

Oh, gosh, just what has Lucy been telling her kids about schools?

"Well, Savannah, your mom aunts, uncle and I went to school because it was the best place for us...we got to meet lots of new kids..."

I try to figure out a way to tell Savannah the truth...once in a while schools do have trouble with guns and kids on drugs and all, but it's not as horrid as Lucy seems to be making it seem. Lucy's prone to exaggerations.

I fight back to twinge of annoyance at my older sister and try not to be critical of how she's raising Savannah.

"And no, there aren't lots of guns or drugs...once in a while, someone does have a problem with one, but there are wonderful teachers in most schools to make sure that no one brings in any guns...and sometimes when a kid does get on drugs, they get them help at a special hospital," I do my best to explain.

"Do kids really have sek there?"

I am puzzled a second. "What's sek, sweetheart?"

"What you're supposed to do when you get married...but my mommy and Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Ruthie say some people do it before they marry...they act like it's bad...like when they say you did it and when Aunt Ruthie did it."

I realize that she's talking about _sex_.

"Oh..." I clear my throat and once again, struggle to bring a more balanced explanation to a five-year-old. "They wouldn't do that right in classes...in the classes, the kids pay attention to the teacher...usually. Sometimes kids pass little notes and sometimes sleep because some teachers do get boring."

I laugh a little, remembering my own school days.

"But honey...if sex is done with two grown-ups who love each other...it's okay."

I wonder if I'm treading a thin line with my family.

"Hey, Savannah...let's not mention that we mentioned sex to anyone else in your house...all right...deal?"

"Deal," Savannah seems pleased to be in a pact with me.

"Your mom loves you and wants the best for you...maybe you can ask if you can go to school when you're a little older, all right?" I suggest. "You'd have lots of fun making friends at school when you get older."

"Okay..." Suddenly, Savannah lowers her voice to a whisper and I have to strain to hear her. "Aunt Ruthie and Martin just came in the living room...they're kissing and I think they had sek someplace...Aunt Ruthie's been going out with him a lot and she won't tell anyone where she goes...bye, Simon."

"Bye, sweetheart..." I barely have time to say before she hangs up.

I swallow at the realization of her last bit of news about Ruthie and Martin.

So Sandy's right to be suspicious of Martin after all. Should I tell Sandy? I wonder.

Or would I be meddling in something that's not my business?

Maybe Sandy will catch Martin herself and leave him for good.

My stomach turns a bit at the thought of Martin and his treachery.

I also wonder about Ruthie and why she's getting herself into a mess with someone who she knows is married.


	5. Chapter 5

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**

_By_ : CNJ

_PG-13_

5

It's after work several days later when I get a cell message that the film studio in LA has seen my resume and want to set up an interview appointment with me. My heart beats a bit faster.

I leave a return message for them accepting the interview and decide to call them back during my lunch break at work the next day to set a date and time.

It'll be a five-hour drive down south, so I know I should set aside a day free for it.

I've been debating on whether it's worth the risk to call Sandy since she and Martin just have one landline phone, but decide not to risk Martin picking up especially since it was just a weekend.

I want to talk to Sandy without Martin possibly listening in and tell her what Savannah and I suspect.

I feel a bit torn as if I'm ratting out my own sister, but I can't just look the other way while Sandy 's husband cheats on her and not tell Sandy; Sandy has a right to know.

I decide to call Ruthie and indirectly find out if she's with Martin and perhaps try to talk some sense into her.

I really don't know if she'll consider what I have to say, though.

At first she doesn't pick up, but on the third try she does.

I don't want to leave a message, so I'm glad she's available.

I hope she's in her room and not around Lucy and Mom.

"Simon...it's you," Ruthie sounds mildly surprised.

"Hi, Ruthie, it's me..." I respond. "How've you been? How's Kaylee?"

"She's all right..."

"Hey, Ruthie...are you upstairs?" I ask. "In your room?"

"Yeah...why?"

"I just want to ask you something without anyone else hearing...does Martin come over there a lot?"

"Sometimes..."

"Does Sandy ever come with him? Do you ever see Aaron and Mike?"

"No..." Ruthie heaves a sigh. "Simon, you know how it is...you saw at that cookout how Lucy and Mom feel about her...Simon...keep this between us, but I think Martin and I still have something..."

"Oh, Ruthie, please..."

"Really, Simon...he doesn't love Sandy...he wants to split up from her...we go out to eat and to dance clubs sometimes...Mom and Lucy don't know and neither does Matt, so don't tell them..."

"Come on, Ruthie...Martin's..."

"Simon!" Ruthie insists. "When Martin ditches Sandy, I'll let it all out when Martin and I officially get together and don't have to sneak around anymore...look, I love Martin...we always had something special between us..."

"I really don't think it's a good idea..."

"What, after all the crap you did in college?" Ruthie huffs.

"I wasn't fooling around with a married woman," I say quietly. "The women I had sex with were unattached with anyone else and I loved each of them.

I know I wasn't always wise about going about my sex life and I know I made lots of mistakes, but I learned from them and tried hard not to hurt anyone..."

"Well, this is different..." Ruthie says emphatically. "I'm not sleeping around like you do and I've known Martin half of my life...and what Sandy doesn't know won't hurt her...Martin's gonna leave her first, then he and I will get together officially after it's over with Sandy..."

"I can't lie for you..."

"Simon, remember how Matt, Mary, Lucy, and I covered for you when you got drunk back when you were in high school?" Ruthie demands.

I remember that very well. Mom and Dad had found out anyway and had been so furious with me they'd not only grounded me for a month, but also given me the cold, silent treatment for over a week.

I still cringe and shudder at that memory sometimes.

"But I didn't ask you all to cover for me...you decided that on your own...and besides, this is much more serious than getting drunk..."

"You tell anyone and I'll kill you..."

"Ruthie!" I cry, but she clicks off abruptly on me.

My hands are shaking as I put my cell down.

I sit for a minute in a daze. I wish I could call Sandy right now and tell her what's going on, but I know I risk having to deal with Martin and I just know right now I can't talk to him especially now that I know he's sneaking around with Ruthie.

I have no idea what I do for a long minute.

I'm scared...scared for Sandy, scared for Aaron and Micheal, scared for Ruthie some, scared for myself at being put in the middle of this.

I get ready for sleep. As I lie down, I realize that tears are running down my face.

I have to get tissues and wipe my face.

My breath catches suddenly and I feel my brows tighten as I blow my nose.

I turn on a CD and listen to soft music to try to calm myself down.

Tears still run down my face a few more minutes, but then I doze off.

* * *

I try to reach Sandy the next day during my lunch hour at work, calling from one of the building's courtesy phones, but to my dismay, it's Martin who picks up.

"Brewer residence, Martin speaking..."

Without a word, I hang up, my heart pounding.

What in God's name is Martin doing home in the middle of a working day? Why wasn't he at his job?

He's not in the Marines, but he works for them near Dad and Lucy's church.

I try back again a half hour later, then during my mid-afternoon break, but get Martin both times and have to hang up.

I don't want him to know that it's me calling, so I am grateful that I'm not using my cell to call.

The one place I do call and get results is the LA studio.

I set up an appointment for next Tuesday for the interview, Tuesday afternoon.

I manage to arrange to have Tuesday off from my current temp job, so I can make this interview.

I'm glad I've sent my resume to several other places, including two in New York City and a few in San Francisco, so I am not too disappointed if this LA lead doesn't pan out.

* * *

"...so once we get through the other seven candidates, we'll decide," the interviewer, Glen Harriman tells me as I conclude my interview that Tuesday and get ready to go. "It'll be about a month or so before we can let each of you know."

I nod, thank Glen, shake his hand and hope mine isn't shaking too much and go.

Outside, the air is tepid and the sun is brighter than at home.

I decide to eat a light afternoon snack before I head back home.

As I sit and eat my vanilla, peach and lemon smoothie pie, I look around.

Everywhere there are desert shrubs and palms and the air is very dry.

I see lizards scooting around in the grass and notice that they are not all green, but other colors like red, brown, gray and even blue.

One is yellow and peers at me from a pale green shrub.

Its eyes are pale gray and it flicks its tongue at me, then disappears. I have to smile at the sight.

I've only been down here once when I was very little and I don't remember much of it...our family went on some trip down to the beach and visited parts of Hollywood.

I'm not in the Hollywood area now, but on the other side of LA.

LA is a huge, huge city, even bigger than New York or Washington, DC.

I try to imagine what it would be like to live here.

I'd rarely see rain and there's no snow here.

There's also no humidity and it rarely gets very hot, even in the summer.

I imagine it would take some adjusting to living in a big city after growing up in the small town of Glenoak, then living where I live now in a bigger town, but not quite a city.

After I finish my pie, I call Matt to update him on my interview.

"I think it went well, but I don't know if they were impressed with me," I tell Matt.

"I know...he probably had that poker face as he looked at you," Matt laughs softly.

"Yeah...that's about it," I agree. "In any case, they said it would be a month or so before they know who they'll hire...there's about seven other people they have to go through first."

"Well, since you were interviewed for this one, others should come through," Matt says. "And you'll get one of them...just keep sending out the resumes and interviewing...somebody'll see that you're talented, smart and hard-working...and since you've applied to several places, they'll have to compete for you."

"Thanks, Matt," I say. I guess it's another way of looking at it.

One place I interviewed at in early August had twenty people applying for one position.

Needless to say, I didn't hold out much at stake for that position.

Matt and I chat a bit more; I talk to Sarah some and even say hello to my niece and nephew, then we click off.

"Well, well, well..." a familiar voice says and I am startled to see Mary of all people approaching my table. "Look who's down here."

"Mary!" I gasp. "Hi."

"So...finally got sick of the north and fleeing from Glenoak too?" Mary sits beside me.

I laugh a bit nervously. "Not really...I still live in the same place...but I applied for a position down here...film producing…"

"Still into the Spielberg track..." She tosses her long, dark hair and leans back. "I just got off work...was that actually Matt you were talking to?"

"Yeah..."

"He's still not bored with that lofty Doc position...he always was overambitious...so uptight for his own good."

"He went into medicine so he could help people," I say.

Mary laughs. "Of course...but being like Dad or Mom isn't good enough for Matt...if he wasn't busy substituting for Dad bossing us around, he was chasing that all-important doctorate."

Matt, as the oldest, was sometimes bossy, but I think it was because Mom and Dad put the most pressure on him to be the family "example" or "role model" for us younger siblings.

"I guess he felt he had to be this role model for the rest of us," I say. "It's not easy being the oldest of seven..."

"I think he liked being the oldest," Mary retorts.

She stands and peers down at me. "You still look up to our big brother, don't you?"

"I guess..." My stomach turns a bit, wondering what she's getting at.

"I guess you know that he wasn't a virgin when he married Sarah, despite the show he put on for Mom and Dad," she tells me.

"I know..." I say.

Mary looks surprised that I already know about Matt.

Not that it's any of Mom and Dad's business.

"Not even that one of his flings was a gay one?"

I'm a tad surprised by this, but try to stifle it.

Mary unfortunately sees that my eyebrows have gone up against my will and she laughs.

I silently curse my wayward eyebrows that I can't control.

"Well, so..." I ask. "And since it was before he met Sarah anyway, it doesn't really matter."

"You'd say that with all you did in college...but Ruthie took the cake...I'd never figure she'd become a teen single mom in her first year of college...and it's ironic because you all kept thinking I was the one who'd end up screwing around and Mom and Dad expected me to be the one to get pregnant and all." Mary grins sarcastically.

"Yeah..." I say. "But you know...I'm not that surprised...Mom and Dad always lumped these different behaviors together, but I could separate them...Matt and I talked about this..."

"I figured you two do...Matt likes being a dad to you...still sees you as a kid..."

"That's not true..." I start to protest.

"Gosh, Simon, when are you going to grow up?" Mary sighs.

"When are you?" I say.

I get up, toss my cup away and walk away.

"I grew up that day Mom and Dad shipped me off to Buffalo!" Mary calls after me.

I keep walking, not knowing what else to say to her.

* * *

I haven't checked my cell messages all day and only check them after I get home.

There's one from Lucy that makes me cringe.

" _Simon_... _of course you don't pick up, so I'm gonna tell you this and hope you at least hear this and not ignore me this time_... _what do you think you're doing telling my daughter that I'm not good enough for her, that those so-called professional educators can do a better job raising and educating my daughter than I as her_ MOTHER _can?_ " Lucy practically shrieks, then pauses to huff.

" _Just because you left home at what seventeen and ran away from your problems here doesn't make you the world expert on the rest of our lives_... _remember the immoral, promiscuous mess you made of our own life in high school and college_... _maybe Matt and Sarah have a bad influence on you since they always acted like they know best_... _well, let me tell you something, Simon Daniel Camden, you are not going to poison my daughter's mind with socialist, anti-family, screwed up notions and mess up her and our lives too! Whenever you come home, I will_ NEVER _leave Savannah alone with you again, got it? I hope you do because you're not the child and world expert you think you are!_ " Lucy clicks off.

I can just imagine her banging around and probably snapping at everyone in sight.

I'm shivering and I also truly feel for everyone still living there, including Mom, Dad, and Ruthie.

I feel a stab of guilt also, even though I do know that Savannah deserves to know that there is a great big world out there besides her mom, grandparents and her aunt and that it's not a Camden world.

I guess I should have remembered how loud and nasty Lucy can get when she feels that somebody is contradicting her, especially with raising with Savannah.

Lucy used to even go off on Kevin whenever he crossed Lucy in any way in domestic affairs, although for a couple of years, Kevin had been a stay-at-home dad.

It's a large part of the reason he and Lucy split up.

I debate on whether it's worth it to call Lucy back, then decide than I am not up to a fight with her which I know she will just scream at me all the more, so I delete the message and fix something to eat, then get ready for work in the morning.

I really don't think I'll have the energy to deal with Lucy's tirades, especially since I will be continuing my job hunt and possibly preparing to move if I need to.

I need to also focus on more positive people in my life and keep in touch with them then waste energy battling negative, critical people.

I myself realize that I've picked up a few unhealthy habits from my own family that I need to shed if I'm to live a happy, productive life.

Before bed, I call Meredith and Christina and spend a good hour talking with them...I feel better.

I even write Ms. Kerjez a letter and decide to mail it on my way to work.

I go to bed feeling calmer and less stressed.

* * *

At work, we start on a new line of cell phones.

Kerry and I still often eat together.

Kerry's funny and witty and likes needlepoint.

She shows me one of the pieces she's doing...it's something she painted herself and she's making it a picture for her nieces room for Christmas. It's beautiful.

It's a calm-looking lake surrounded by evergreens and some autumn trees.

"Eva likes fall scenes, so this is perfect for her," she tells me as I look it over.

"It looks terrific...I'm sure she'll love it," I say admiringly.

I can draw and have done play and film set designs, but I wonder if I'd ever have the patience to do something so detailed.

My artwork is more of a wider, less detailed scale.

I finally manage to get Sandy calling from work again.

Unfortunately, it seems as if Martin may be around because Sandy is talking in a low voice.

"He's downstairs with his dad and I'm up here...Simon...what is it? You sound really worried."

"Sandy..." I swallow. "Martin is cheating...I've heard about it."

"I thought so..." Sandy sighs, but doesn't sound surprised. "He thinks I don't realize how much time he spends at the Camdens' place...your parents still fawn over him and I think something's going on between him and your sister...I'm so sorry, Simon..."

"Yeah...me too...I don't know why Ruthie just doesn't see..."

"Martin's coming up...I have to go..." Sandy has to hang up before I can ask why Martin's home all day now.

Perhaps he's lost his job? I wonder.

I do hope Sandy gets the gumption to just take the boys and leave Martin...she does have a good chance of keeping custody and she can always go back to work and get financial aid if she wants to go back to school.

I still haven't heard from the New York film companies or the San Francisco one, so I send out three more resumes...one in a town about an hour north and one in Phoenix , Arizona and one in Utah later in October.

I am surprised, however, in the last week of October when I get a call from a studio office right outside of Glenoak that I've never heard of, a Hollingsworth company.

I return their call the next day and it turns out that they want to schedule and interview with me for Friday late afternoon.

"So, how did you hear about me?" I ask, a bit puzzled. I know I've never heard of this place, let alone sent a resume, so I have no idea why they want to interview me.

"It was from your college you graduated from...one of your film production professors contacted me," Tom Sampson tells me.

I'm still puzzled, but tentatively agree to the interview anyway.

I can always cancel it later if it's something fishy.

It's not until the next day that I get a chance to check this interview appointment out.

I contact my alma mater and have to look up several film professors.

I'm surprised, but also suspicious when each of the three professors tells me that they've never heard of Hollingsworth studio or company and have contacted no one.

The last one I call doesn't even remember me, which is not surprising, considering that my history of movies class was very huge.

I also remember that it's the main career center that helps people set up interviews, rarely individual professors.

As I hang up from the last call, I intuitively sense Dad's handprints all over this...I am certain that he set this interview up...after I had clearly told him that I didn't want him spoon-feeding me jobs.

I wait until that Wednesday, then call from work and cancel the interview.

I don't tell them why, I just hint that I landed another job elsewhere.

"You're certain of this?" Tom asks. "You really would have gotten in considering your fa-"

He catches himself and that's all I need to know. "...professor really pulled for you..."

"I know he did and I really appreciate it, but I start this other job in two weeks," I lie.

After I hang up, I think about the lie I just told.

I struggle with mixed feelings about it for a while...I'm angry that Dad is once again disregarding my boundaries and that I am an adult capable of getting my own job and managing my own career; I also feel guilty for lying about a job; sad and a bit hurt that my dad seems to have so little faith in me.

I rush home from work that night and call Dad at the church.

I really don't care if he picks up or not and I don't want to call the house because I am afraid Lucy will pick up and dump more of her shit on me about allegedly "interfering" with her mothering.

Dad answers. "Simon...hi..."

"Hi, Dad...how're you?"

"Busy...and what was it you were telling Savannah at the cookout about how she should be in school?" Dad asks.

 _Damn_ , I mouth in silent fear. I should have figured Lucy would rant to Dad about me.

"Oh...that..." I hedge, not wanting to discuss this with Dad or anyone else in the family for that matter.

"Savannah was just curious about the school bus and what kids do in public school, so I just described a little about teachers and stuff...I never told her that she 'should' be in school...I guess Savannah then got the notion that she wanted to go there and probably mentioned it to Lucy...you know how Lucy gets..." I tell him.

"I see..." Dad mumbles.

I really don't know what he believes, but to my relief he doesn't pressure me to discuss it any further.

I really am not in the mood to have Dad on my back also.

Lucy and Martin are enough of a headache for me to deal with.

"Dad...I also wanted to let you know I have another job lead that's going to pan out...I interviewed for it on Monday...I don't know where it'll be yet, but I just wanted to let you know...I'll let you know when it comes in, so I think my search is over."

"Oh..." Dad says shortly.

He sounds like he doesn't know what to say.

I think he's figured out that I saw through his scheme to "set me up" in that office.

"Well, if this works out for you..." he trails off.

"All's they have to do is a couple of background checks...formalities," I tell him.

"Well, Simon, if for some reason this ends up not working out, you know you can always call me..." Dad says.

"I know..."

After we hang up, I eat. While I'm eating, my cell vibrates with an unfamiliar number on it.

But to my surprise, Ruthie's voice comes on.

She must be calling from one of those old pay phones or borrowing someone else's phone.

The only house I can think of her visiting is Martin's dad and I know she would not go there unless she knows Sandy wouldn't be there.

" _Simon_... _can you pick up? Are you there? I'm calling from the mall pay phone_... _I hope no one we know comes in_... _Simon, I'm pregnant_."

"Shit..." I gasp, dropping my fork.

" _I thought I was avoiding, you know_... _during my mid-cycle_... _I can't believe I'm talking to you about this, but there's nobody else to talk to..."_

 _"Mom_ _and Dad don't know and don't you dare tell them_... _and don't tell Matt or Sarah either_... _I definitely can't tell Lucy_... _she'd have a morality field day on me_... _she's always criticizing me as it is_... _by the way, she's really mad at you because of that junk you told Savannah...she hasn't stopped complaining about that..._ " she pauses.

" _Anyway, Simon_... _I'm gonna get Martin to leave Sandy and marry me before I really show_... _can you talk to Martin_... _don't tell him I'm pregnant yet_... _he doesn't know_... _but tell him why I'd be better for him than Sandy_... _lie if you have to; you can do that, can't you since you've lied to Mom and Dad about your own life_.

 _"Anyway, since you're kind of chummy with Sandy anyway, dig up some dirt on her that will make Martin leave her_... _and just tell Martin that Kaylee needs him around...Kaylee adores Martin and asks if he's her daddy_... _I wish I could tell her that he is her daddy instead of that stupid Mac...please, do this for me, Simon_... _I don't want Mom and Dad to find out too soon and I don't want another illegitimate kid on my hands_." Ruthie clicks off.

"Holy latest of God..." I mutter fearfully, feeling ready to faint.


	6. Chapter 6

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**

_By_ : CNJ

_PG-13_

6

For the rest of that week, I think of my recent lies to Dad and to the Hollingsworth Studio Company, and about Dad's telling the Hollingsworth interviewer to lie to me.

I feel a bit dizzy at the lies Ruthie's telling both others and herself and the lies she's asking me to tell.

It's a sort of shock to me that in an indirect way, Dad has lied to me as well.

For starters, I definitely will have to fight to stay out of this latest mess; I will _not_ help Ruthie lie with having a baby with Martin.

I just will not; I don't care how mad she gets.

If I am to live healthily as an adult, I really have to get myself away from this manipulation 

I debate for a long while on calling Mom and Dad and asking them if they know about what is going on with Ruthie and Martin.

I consider telling them that she is pregnant.

But I remember that Ruthie is technically an adult at nineteen and really should be mature enough to decide on her own whether to tell them or not and when.

But I am glad I've confirmed for Sandy about their affair and I hope Sandy is taking steps to leave Martin. He really doesn't deserve her.

* * *

November. Monday again. I get up and head to work as usual.

I'm glad I have this temping assignment until I can get something permanent and I'm glad I moved away from Glenoak when I did.

It's nice being among the real world.

I've always suspected that I'd come from a strange family and now my young adulthood confirms this.

The weather is cool now and the leaves are beautiful in all different colors.

It's more colorful than in Glenoak.

The assignment is winding down; next week will be the last week.

It's Friday when I get a cell message. It's from Grandma Ruth.

" _Simon_... _are you there? I hope you get this message soon, darling..._ " she pauses. " _It's your grandpa_... _he's had a heart attack and is in the hospital_... _he's stable for now, but I don't think his heart will be the same ever again_... _if you get this message, dear, please call me soon_... _I'm calling your parents and sisters and brother_... _bye for now_." She clicks off.

I call her immediately. She's at home for now, but has been going back and forth from the hospital in Buffalo where she and Grandpa Colonel live.

"Your parents, Matthew, and family are flying up..." she tells me.

"I'm coming also," I tell her, mentally figuring out how I get arrange a fast flight up there. I want to make sure the Colonel's all right...for now. "I'll try to get the tickets for this weekend, just sit tight, Grandma...I love you..." I manage before we hang up.

I quickly get the ticket online. It is almost a thousand round trip, but it'll have to do.

Putting the bill on my credit card, I reserve the airline seat, then rush to pack.

* * *

Mom calls early the next morning as I'm on my way to the airport from her cell and I pick up.

"Hi, Mom...I'm on my way to Buffalo now..."

"That's good...your father and I are there right now...we came last night...Ruthie, Lucy, the boys, and other kids are with us...I left a message with Matt...he and Sarah are on the way up today."

"How's Grandpa?"

"He's a bit better than he was last night...he's regained consciousness, but is on the monitor and is still quite weak...he wants to leave, but they're keeping him in for a few days...I'm at their house now, but in a little while I'm going over to the hospital to relieve Eric and your grandmother...Lucy and Savannah are taking a walk; Rick and Kaylee are napping..."

"Moooo-om, David's throwing dirt out of Granny's plants and tearing them out..." I hear Sam whine in the background.

"Shuuuut upwwhh, tattletale!" I hear David snarl and I hear a thud.

"Uh-oh, you have your hands full there," I joke lightly.

"Simon..." Mom seems to be trying to ignore Sam and David's antics. "I need to ask..."

"Maaaahhhm!" I hear Sam wail more loudly and he seems to be right next to Mom because his voice nearly bursts my eardrum.

"Sam, can't you see I'm on the phone?" Mom snaps at him. "Simon's coming later on today and I'm trying to talk to him, so don't interrupt me again! I mean it!"

I picture Mom's icy glare. It's not common that she scolds the twins, I realize.

"What...is Simon all miserable again?" Sam demands. "And what's the matter with his eyebrows and nose anyway? Why does he have weird eyebrows? Did somebody push his nose in too?"

"Sam, be quiet right this minute or I'm taking you up to the kids' room and you will sit on a chair for the rest of the morning!" Mom orders.

She comes back to me, huffing.

"I'm sorry about the twins...they've been fighting and acting up all morning...and I've been trying to get Ruthie to help, but she just complains and sulks...oh, Simon, I want to talk to you about Ruthie...I have an awful feeling that she may be pregnant again..."

"Have you talked to her?" I feign mild surprise, not sure if I should just tell Mom already.

Unless Ruthie plans an abortion, which knowing her, she will not since she, Lucy, and my parents are vehemently as opposed to abortion as they are to non-marital sex and birth control, she will have to start planning now for the child's future.

And besides, she may be too far along anyway, so I think her two options now are to either keep the baby and try to raise it or place it for adoption.

I hope for her and our family's sake and mostly for the baby's sake, she selects the latter option.

"I have, but she's been evasive..." Mom sighs as I slowly park. "I know she sees a lot of Martin and they sometimes go out, but I just can't believe Martin would do something so...unprincipled."

She's still blind when it comes to Martin.

I roll my eyes and thank heaven she can't see me.

Both she and Dad are, but especially her, Ruthie, and Lucy worship the ground he walks on and make all kinds of sorry excuses for the way he treats Sandy basically like shit.

"And twice last week, I heard her throwing up in the bathroom early in the morning and she seemed to be trying to avoid being heard," Mom adds. "Has she by any chance confided in you?"

_Oh, Christ_ , I think. But I think I must have muttered it out loud because apparently Mom heard me.

"Simon!" she exclaims. "She has told you something, hasn't she...that explains your little...swear right now...I figured that much...she's pregnant and has probably told you to hide it from your dad and me...really, Simon, I thought you'd know that lying and hiding things from us backfires..."

"Mom..." I start, but she's getting angry now and cuts me off rudely.

"After all the times you kids lied for Mary, who by the way, I haven't been able to reach her, and times you tried covering for Matt, not to mention the others lying for you that time you got stone _DRUNK_ and embarrassed us...just what are you hoping to accomplish this time..."

"Mom, please..." I plead. "I've got to go...I have a plane..."

"We'll discuss this more when you and Matt get here...and oh, is Matt in on this latest little family secret?" Mom actually stops to catch her breath from her rant.

"N-n-no..." I stutter. "N-not that I...know of..."

"Well, then I guess I'll have to tell your father and the others soon as if he doesn't have enough on his plate with his father in the hospital..."

"I have to go..." I say quietly, pulling my overnight bag out of the car and heading into the airport.

"Goodbye, Mom," I hang up and go toward my plane terminal and security checkpoint.

Somehow, I get the feeling this visit will be less about the Colonel and seeing him through this heart attack and more about Mom, Dad, and Ruthie and Ruthie and Martin's latest drama.

* * *

I arrive in the early afternoon and am grateful that it is Grandma Ruth who is waiting for me at the airport.

We hug and I inhale her warm, rather spicy scent.

It reminds me of New England and I feel an odd longing for one of my New York City leads to work out jobwise, so I can be near her and New England and come up here much more often.

As Grandma drives and we catch up, I look out at the wonderful fall trees that are becoming bare, I have this idea that I might have some old link in New England.

I don't know why and I brush it away as stress and maybe revisiting old times when I was little and us kids would sometimes fly up here to see the Colonel and Grandma Ruth.

"Hiii, Simon!" Savannah greets me with a little hug as I arrive at the house.

"Hello, sweetie," I say, stooping down and hugging my niece.

Lucy, most likely true to her promise...or threat, is hovering nearby.

I can tell she is protecting Savannah from my allegedly immoral influence.

"You've grown some, I see," I tell Savannah.

She has grown about a half inch since I last saw her on Labor Day.

"Hello, Luce," I greet my sister with slight awkwardness.

"Hello, Simon..." she says, still eyeing me, then Savannah.

I wonder if she's concerned that I've somehow tainted her daughter by merely touching her.

"Come, dear, I'll show you where you'll stay..." Grandma Ruth sweeps in and leads me upstairs.

"Are Matt and Sarah here?" I ask.

"They are, but they're at the hospital," Grandma tells me.

"May I go see Grandpa now...is all right with you and him?"

"Sure, dear..." she smiles at me. Putting an arm around me, we head downstairs.

* * *

At the hospital, Matt, Sarah, and I hug.

My parents are there also and I say hello to them.

I idly wonder where Ruthie is, but am afraid to ask.

"Just how is he feeling?" I ask. "Is it all right if I...?"

"Sure..." Matt nods.

Dad opens his mouth as if to say something, but then doesn't say anything after all.

He just gives me a long stare, then looks at Mom. I try to ignore it and go in.

The Colonel is in his bed. For the most part, he looks the same...just a tad wan and tired and he has a little padlike monitor on his chest.

"Simon, my boy..." he smiles warmly at me. "Come give your old grandpa a big hug..."

"Hi, Grandpa..." I speak softly around the tightness in my throat and walk timidly over and hug him.

He wraps his large arms around me in one of his bear hugs.

"How're you feeling?" I sit on a small chair next to him and hold his hand.

"Better..." he says. "Been building something in film production, haven't you? Any luck out there?"

"Not yet, Grandpa..." I tell him. "But I have a few possibilities and I'm working at temp jobs until I get something permanent."

"Temping?" Grandpa asks. "Not typing bigwigs' papers, bringing them coffee, and scut work like that, are you?"

"No, Grandpa..." I manage to smile. "It's good work, a lot of electronic programming...it pays my rent and bills for now."

"Good to hear you're keeping busy...and your parents can help out any time, you know."

"I know..."

"You know, Simon, you were always the quiet one of our grandkids...shy boy you used to be...even your little sister would push you around...your grandma sometimes worried about you...especially once Mary, then Ruthie got into all that trouble...never thought Ruthie would end up with a baby at eighteen and barely started college...kept telling your dad to let her support the baby and raise it herself and find day care...finish school...but Eric can be stubborn and I guess felt like he had to rescue his little girl...shame he pulled her out of college and she just came back to that house and he and Annie are basically raising that child of hers...and this morning, your mother tells me Ruthie's having another..."

I look down, not sure if I want to go into this now.

"I guess I always knew it, but you and Matt came out on the top...despite your troubles and shyness, you've done well for yourself, my boy."

"Thanks..." I say softly.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Dad peering in the doorway, looking at us with some suspicion, so I whisper goodbye, we hug one last time for now, then I depart from the room.

Dad talks to the Colonel for a few moments, then he comes out.

He, Mom and I get ready to leave.

Grandma Ruth, Matt, and Sarah are staying.

Dad and Mom give me a ride back.

On the way, Mom mutters, "I can never understand why Matt and Sarah dump their kids off in those daycare centers and with all those babysitters...I told Matt he should bring the kids, but he said no, it would be too hard...Lucy brought Savannah and Rick with her cross-country and Ruthie and I brought Kaylee, so Matt can't spare a few lousy miles so we can see our own grandkids?"

"They'll see later when their twins get into trouble and Matt and Sarah can't understand why..." Dad puts in.

He doesn't realize the irony of his statement. I have to stifle a laugh.

Here Mom rarely ever left any of us Camden kids with baby-sitters and never let us go to daycare or even pre-school, yet Mary and Ruthie have gotten into some of the biggest scrapes; Lucy is back living with Mom and Dad and I don't think she's supporting herself.

And there's me...as Mom brings up periodically, I got drunk once in high school, never had much self-confidence, suffered from some bad depressions and nearly got into a bad marriage with someone who just wasn't a good match for me at all.

I idly wonder how Rose is and hope she is happy and that she is all right raising her daughter.

She and the father, Umberto never married and neither live in Glenoak anymore.

Last I heard, Rose owns a small fax/laptop business and is making very good money from it.

One of these days, I will ask Sandy if she ever hears from Rose.

"Oh...Simon," Mom says suddenly as if she remembers that I'm in their back seat. "Your dad tells me you found a permanent job...have you started your new position yet?"

"No," I say.

It's the truth because nothing has started yet, nothing permanent.

"Well, do you know when it starts?" Mom pushes, peering back at me with small blue eyes.

"Um...not really..." I clear my throat. "I have to check my calendar when I get home."

Oh, and yes, the lies all of us tell, despite Mom's staying at home and Mom and Dad grilling us never to lie. Mom gives me a long look.

"Speaking of checking calendars...before we get back to the house..." Dad says. "Your mother and I know that Ruthie's pregnant again and that you knew about it, but didn't tell us...Simon...is there anything else about this affair that we need to know? Like who the father of this baby is? I've asked Ruthie and she tells us it's some random guy she met at the pool hall, but I think it's more..."

I feel a flash of anger at both Martin and Ruthie...Ruthie for putting me in this awkward position and Martin for lying, lying to his wife, lying to Mom and Dad, and still continuing to put on this great show of alleged morality.

"It's Martin." I blurt.

There. One lie uncovered. This time I am telling the truth.

I think I tell also because I am sick of lying and I am really tired of others asking me to lie for them.

"Simon, don't kid about this!"

Mom turns again and this time glares at me. I swallow and my stomach tightens.

"Mom, it is...Ruthie told me over the phone..." I manage.

"Simon, I know you and Martin didn't see eye to eye on some things, but this is ridiculous! We know Martin is married with a son; he's a family man who'd never, _NEVER_ be unfaithful..."

"Mom, please!" I say, feeling tears come dangerously close. "This isn't some personal attack on Martin; it isn't about me at all; it really is true...Martin and Ruthie have been having an affair for the past few months...you can have Martin take a paternity test...he'll probably try to avoid it, which should tell you right there..."

"Okay, Simon, that's it," Mom's voice is so cold it gives me the chills.

We stare at each other for a long moment, her sky-blue eyes clashing with my silver ones.

By now we are parked in the driveway. I see Lucy peer out at us.

Dad turns and looks at me also. Blue eyes also.

I am aware of Lucy's blue eyes staring also.

A world of pale blue ice eyes freezing me with their stares.

I wonder who I have inherited my silver eyes from.

"Annie…" Dad finally says, breaking his gaze from me. "Maybe...we should..."

Mom turns away and I gratefully do also.

Fairly running out of the car, I dash into the house.

Without a word I dash upstairs and wish Matt and Sarah were at the house now.

I'm shaking, feeling as if I betrayed my own younger sister, yet I am angry that she, Mom, and Dad have placed me in this horrible position.

I'm so sick of this family drama and nonsense.

I wish I had a more normal family...no, maybe...just one not like the one Mom and Dad have created.

I don't know how long I lie there, but it grows dark. I don't turn on the light.

Voices rise in shrieks and I can tell that Ruthie's fighting with Mom and Dad in the kitchen.

I hear snatches here and there, but don't have the energy to get up to listen more clearly.

"So my snitch of a brother told you.. "

"Lied to us!"

"Ratted on Martin..."

"Same mistake..."

"You know he's married..."

"Just not done..."

A few minutes later, I suddenly hear Lucy screaming at Ruthie on the stairs.

I shrink back and curl into a ball, hoping I won't be dragged any further into his mess than I have to be.

"You're such an adulteress!" Lucy shrieks. "Am I the only one in this family who has any morals or values at all? Me and Martin? But since you've ruined Martin now, I'm the last one standing upright..."

Ruthie yells back, "Right, you're the sainted little princess of Mom and Dad just because you can turn on the charm and never had sex with anyone but that dullard Kevin...I'm going to marry Martin anyway when he dumps Sandy, so my child will have a father and be legitimate! I'm not like Simon, sleeping around without any commitment! I am moral and have values, but don't smash it in everyone's faces like you do!"

Lying still, I suppress a cough, so my sisters don't hear me.

Good thing I haven't turned on any lights, so I'm in the dark.

"You're really stupid if you think Martin is going to dump Sandy and marry you," Lucy hisses.

"Hey, _QUIET_!" Matt voice suddenly bellows.

I turn over in relief that he and Sarah are home.

"What is going _ON_?" Sarah's voice also booms.

"Ruthie got herself knocked up and Martin's the father!" Lucy announces.

"Well, holy shit..." Matt says, obviously surprised but not really shocked. "But seriously...do you two have to announce it to the whole state of New York?"

"Matt, you really shouldn't be using that appalling filthy language in our grandparents' house in with Mom and Dad right in the den," Lucy lectures and I imagine her eyes all wide in her self-righteous indignation.

She is like Mom in many regards, including facial expressions.

"Just forget my 'appalling filthy language' a moment and somebody tell me why Ruthie wound up in an extra-marital dalliance with a married man...a married father, I have to add," Matt barks.

"Martin and Sandy really don't love each other..." Ruthie explains. "Martin's really miserable with Sandy...he's lonely and needs me..."

"Oh, brouuutherrrr..." Lucy moans. "You're so dull..."

"Shut up, preacher lady!" Ruthie screams. "And stop calling me stupid! I really love Martin and he loves me...Matt, he's leaving Sandy and I'll be here for him...Martin and I are having our baby together...and we'll be a real family..."

"Oh, God..." Sarah mutters. "Forgive my skepticism here, but you'll live happily ever after?"

"Maybe so, your doctors' highnesses," Ruthie snaps. "And don't you two join in judging me because Lucy, Mom, and Dad are already having a party on me already...oh, and guess who ratted me out after I told him this in confidence...good ol' Simon..."

"What a rat..." Lucy huffs. "But this time, I'm glad he snitched on you, Ruthie because what you're doing is sleazy and wrong..."

"That's enough out of you, godlady!" Ruthie yells. "Go butter up Mom and Dad and do Dad's preacher errands...and where is our cowardly snitch of a brother hiding this time? Matt...Sarah...you're not by chance hiding him someplace, are you?"

"No, he's hiding in his room," Sam chimes in. "He looked scared about something and was shaking like he almost always does..."

I quietly get up and actually slide under the bed.

Good thing the bedspread hangs over the edges.

Maybe I am a cowardly "snitch," but I'm afraid that if Ruthie and Lucy and the twins see me, I'll go insane.

Shaking under there, I pray that I won't have an asthma attack.

Footsteps thunk on the stairs and the door opens.

Lucy says, "Not here...where is he?"

"Where's who?" I am startled by Mom's voice asking.

"And why are all of you yelling like this?" Dad asks angrily.

"We're all sick of Lucy's sanctimonious, holier-than-thou preachings!" Ruthie tells them. "And Simon seems to be hiding out since he doesn't want to face the music..."

"No, it's because of your selfish slutting with Martin!" Lucy yells back.

"Come on, I think Simon's probably gone for a walk and wants to be left alone..." Sarah says. I silently thank her.

To my relief, they move back downstairs and I hear Dad mention something about eating a little dinner.

I am not hungry, so I stay where I am under the bed.

I don't know how long I stay there in hiding.

I almost feel like Ms. Kerjez did during the Holocaust, when the Jews had to hide from the Nazis and often they had to make no sound at all.

My attempts to stop my trembling are only partially successful.

Lying on my back, I'm unable to see a thing in the dark, but am thankful that they've moved into a truce.

But I know this false peace won't last long.

I don't know how many hours pass with me under the bed, but I do a lot of thinking and even a little silent praying.

I hope God can see our family and help us undo our lies and help us atone for our sins.

I include myself in this and hope I can eventually find my way out of this web and begin to really do the right thing, regardless of what Mom, Dad, Lucy, Martin, or Ruthie declare is the right thing.

I even want to reconsider what the bible claims to be the right thing to do.

I think of Ms. Kerjez and think of how she and her family and all the other millions of concentration camp prisoners were surrounded by people full of all these declarations and edicts of what they thought the "right" or "moral" thing was.

Tears silently spill over my face as I think of the more than six million Jews that died as a result of these edicts and the Nazi code of "morals."

Realizing how lost several members of my family are makes me cry soundlessly...they are trying so hard to follow this prescribed code of a brand of Christianity and their interpretation of their bible, but have been pulled off course of true morality.

I myself am confused and feel torn...I feel guilt for being so disloyal to my parents and sisters, but also feel guilt at indirectly collaborating with their lies and adding my own lies.

I think of Lucy buttering up Mom and Dad to keep their favor and of Ruthie also.

I also think of Martin also cozying it up with my parents also.

I also think of my own desperate attempts to toe the line with my parents...the lies I've told point to this.

I am embarrassed. In a way, Ruthie's right...I am a coward.

Look at me, just hiding out, afraid of my own parents, my own sisters and Martin.

It's a painful truth that I am this way, much as,I wish I wasn't.

How I wish I had Matt's courage.

I feel a surge of pride in Matt and also Sarah tonight...they aren't afraid to do battle with my parents, my sisters, and I doubt they'd be afraid to fight Martin also.

It's after midnight when I hear Sarah and Matt's voice enter the room and they turn a light on.

I don't move until the door closes.

I am relieved that they're sleeping in here tonight.

Matt calls someone on his cell and I realize it's the babysitter.

He and Sarah talk to Miriam and Jacob, tell them goodnight and click off.

I am glad that Miriam and Jacob don't have to be in this mess this weekend.

"I think he's here..." Sarah whispers.

"Who?" Matt says softly back.

"Simon," Sarah breathes. "Under there..."

I use this opening to slide out from my hiding place.

"Oh...Simon," Matt sighs. "Thank God you're here...are you all right?"

I shrug and sort of collapse on the bed.

"We haven't told anyone you're here," Sarah says. "Thank goodness you didn't get pulled into that argument downstairs...how are you holding up with Ruthie dumping all this on you?"

"I'm trying..." I say. "Thanks, you two for covering my butt."

"No problem..." Matt rolls down the blankets of the bed while I go over and put down the sofabed. "I love my family, but some of them can be the biggest headaches..."

I nod.

"Did you hear our fight?" Sarah asks.

"Yes," I say.

"Simon...you did the right thing...by telling Mom and Dad about Ruthie," Matt says. "She may be an adult, but she's still living under their roof and carrying on that affair with Martin under their roof...and I hope this has ripped off the cover of Martin's facade."

My eyes open wide as I see that Matt sees through Martin's false charm also.

"Yeah, I see Martin as he is...I know about how he's treated Sandy," Matt nods.

"Didn't you once tell him off for badmouthing Simon?" Sarah says.

"Oh, yeah..." Matt grins. "Martin knows to watch his ass when I'm around...I see right through him."

He and Sarah laugh a little and I manage a weak grin.

We talk a little about the twins. Miriam and Jacob like to collect leaves in the fall, so Matt and Sarah have been taking them to Central Park.

They also tell me that Miriam dressed as an airline pilot and Jacob was a Star Trek generic character for Halloween.

I hope I get to see them during the holidays.

I tell them about my interview and about my seeing Mary in LA.

"She probably told you about my sordid past," Matt says.

"Yeah...but it really doesn't matter to me..."

Apparently Sarah knows all about Matt's gay fling because she doesn't show any surprise.

"And Matt...Sarah...I'm worried," I say. "I was hiding under the bed and thinking about our family and thinking about Ms. Kerjez and how easy it is to do the wrong thing and call it "morals" or do it in the name of a religion...I'm confused because I know I've lied and not done much better than Lucy, Ruthie, or Mary or our parents."

"Simon, if it makes you feel better, you are a good person," Sarah says.

I feel a bit better and not so scared.

"Trust me, Simon, I went through the same struggle myself when I left for college...and for years after," Matt lays back and Sarah plops down beside him. "I still something struggle with it today..."

"But you were always so brave with Mom and Dad," I say. "I get their cold glares and even today, I go just cold inside...I'm afraid to lose their love..."

I feel tears in my eyes and look down.

"I'd get that same awful feeling inside, Simon..." Matt tells me. "Sometimes, in private, I'd cry about it just like I know you do sometimes. I'd be scared also...but I know now I have other people in my life besides Mom and Dad...and so do you."

"You have us, for starters," Sarah adds.

"Thanks," I say softly. I go to my sofabed and get ready to sleep.

Sarah turns off the lamp and we talk a little more in the dark, then drift off to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**

_By_ : CNJ

_PG-13_

7

Sunday morning. I am here for one more day, then I fly back home.

Matt and Sarah head back home Monday also.

Mom, Dad, and my sisters are staying until Tuesday.

Matt and Sarah are already up and downstairs somewhere.

I get up, get dressed, and cautiously head downstairs.

I don't see them or anyone else there but Sam and David.

"Hello..." I greet them.

"Hey, Simon..." Sam smirks at me.

David just grunts and keeps eating the stack of pancakes on the table.

I pour myself some orange juice and join them

"Hey, Ruthie's really pissed at you," Sam tells me.

"Oh?" I say.

I know she is, but I try to feign nonchalance.

"Yeah...she says you're a rat because you snitched on her baby and told Mom all her secrets..."

"I see..."

The twins look at me, then each other and kind of snigger.

"What's funny?" I ask, taking my glass and stacking it into the dishwasher.

"Ruthie's also mad at Mom and Dad...she knows something about you and Mom..."

"What does she know?" I ask, getting a tight sensation in the pit of my stomach.

Sam pokes David, then shrugs.

"I didn't hear the whole thing, but she was on the phone with Martin, who's she's been having sex with all month and said something about finding a letter from Mom and she knows you're illegilnate and you don't know yet...Mom lied to Dad and you about it."

"I'm what?" I'm puzzled.

"Illegilnate..." Sam speaks slowly and rolls his eyes at me as if I'm a moron. "You know...when you don't have a dad and your mom isn't married." I realize that Sam means _illegitimate_.

"B-but...Mom was married when she had me...and Dad's around..." I say. "And besides, no person is 'illegitimate'...people don't use that for human beings anymore."

"But Mom and Dad and Aunt Ruthie say…"

"You two know what?" I say tersely. "Never mind what they say about legitimate and marriage and all...because it's really not important whether somebody's parents are married or not...I really hope you don't refer to people with those words."

I don't really know if the twins get my drift, but I only half-care as I walk out of the kitchen and back upstairs.

I pass Ruthie's room where she's leafing through a magazine.

Kaylee is nowhere in sight and I suspect Mom has Kaylee.

"Ruthie..." I knock. She turns a page and ignores me. "Ruthie..." I say, a bit more insistently.

I need to find out what is behind what she's gossiping to Martin about me.

She glares up at me coldly and still says nothing.

"I want to know what you've been telling Martin about me behind my back," I blurt. "What's this about you telling him that I'm 'illegitimate' when you know Annie and Eric Camden are the parents of all seven of us kids?"

Ruthie throws her magazine down and sits up.

"Oh, the boys eavesdropped on me again, huh?"

Well, at least she's acknowledging my presence.

"I never get privacy...even with you...I trusted you to help me with Martin's baby and instead you stabbed me in the back!"

"Ruthie, Mom weaseled..." I start, but Ruthie interrupts nastily.

"You pretend to rebel against Mom and Dad, yet when it comes to me, you wimp out, rat me out and get me into all this trouble! Mom and Lucy are always criticizing me and telling me what a lousy mother I am as it is!" Ruthie yells, standing up so fast I back up a little, my brows tightening along with my stomach.

"Well, I don't know what you expected, but you now have to think of another child here, not just yourself!" I bark back, feeling a rush of anger at Ruthie's refusal to take responsibility for her life and her kid...now kid _s_.

"I expected you to keep my confidence and help me get Martin!" Ruthie screams, her face going pink. "Once I had Martin, I would have told everyone, including Martin about this baby! Martin and I would have gotten married in a couple of months and we would have been a real family! Somebody in this family and that house would have been on my side! But thanks to your wimpiness and cowardice, my family is _RUINED_! And it's your fault!"

"Really?" I bite back. "And what kind of 'family' would this baby, this child have? A father who cheats on his wife, who basically ignores his first two kids, fails to take responsibility for his actions, and who trashes the rest of his family? I guess you're ignoring how for _MONTHS_ Martin snubbed Sandy after she told him she was pregnant, then only after his own dad and after Kevin let him have it, he resentfully decides to have something to do with his own kid!"

"That's because Sandy trapped him and went after..."

"Oh, please, please, please!" I'm really fed up now. "Stop making excuses for Martin! I really think your baby will be better off _WITHOUT_ someone like that as an excuse of a dad..."

"Don't you dare trash Martin!" Ruthie shrieks. "And I'm not going to be one of those unwed mothers either with an illegitimate kid that Lucy's always trying to 'save' with that ministry of hers..."

"You really shouldn't be calling your own baby 'illegitimate'..." I say, feeling my own face grow red. "If you feel that way, then maybe that kid will be better off being put for adoption, so he or she can have the chance to be with a parent...a family that truly wants her..."

"You should talk..."Ruthie snarls. "Mom didn't give you away to strangers when you came...she kept you despite you being the result of her adulterous affair..."

"Oh...what?" I say, my hand going to my mouth.

Somehow, something tells me that she is not just making this up.

"I found a letter from Mom that she never mailed..." Ruthie confirms. "I was looking for her pink pearl lipstick I could borrow in her dresser...the drawer had a fake bottom and she'd hid stuff there...and the letter...I read it and Mom had an affair 'cause she was bored with Dad and sick of taking care of Matt, Mary, and Lucy...she was going to send it to your real father...and it's not Eric Camden...it's some Irish dude...Sean or somebody..she slutted it up in some motel room with this Sean person for six months when Dad was traveling a lot...you, Simon _NON_ -Camden, are the result!"

I can't speak for a long minute. I know she is telling the truth, that she's not just making this up to upset me, much as I wish she were.

"Is this a joke?" I barely manage to get out. I am ready to faint.

"It's a joke on you," Ruthie smirks.

She hands me a copy of a letter. Sure enough, a glance at it tells me it's from Mom to a guy named Sean.

"Just ask Mom and watch her squirm. Now, get out of my room and sight...I don't need traitors in my life or my family's life...and Martin _IS_ going to get together with me...and you won't be part of my family with Martin, so just get out."

"Fine..." I say quietly, my heart pounding.

Slowly leaving, I go back to my guest room and read the letter in full.

It is not a long letter, but it's telling and it's quite shocking.

_Dear Sean,_

_I miss you. I'm sorry things had to end so abruptly_.

_I guess you didn't want to get involved any more deeply especially since you found out about Eric and my being married._

_Eric is back home from Oregon and doesn't know about us and I don't plan on telling him._

_However, you should know that I am pregnant and I know the baby is yours._

_I don't necessarily want you to come rushing back, especially now that you've returned to New Hampshire and have two other kids by another woman_.

_I think I'm two months along now, so tonight I plan to make love with Eric, so he won't be suspicious._

_Let him think the child is his for now._

_But maybe if Eric and I were to ever split, I can tell our child the truth and he'll come to seek you._

_I don't know if it'll ever happen since my husband is a Minister, a Protestant one at that and in both Eric and my family, divorce is just not done._

_If you send me your address to the P.O. Box I just listed, I can send you pictures of our child, so you can watch him grow from a distance._

_I wonder if he will have your freckles and Irish nose?_

_In a way, I hope not; with luck, he'll look like me and Eric will never suspect._

_I have to go now, Eric's at the church and I have to get ready, so I just want to say what wonderful nights we had at the Rock View Inn...you were more romantic than Eric had been in a long time._

_It also gave me a much needed break from the kids._

_I'm glad my mother didn't ask any questions when I asked her to babysit while I was out._

_I guess Matt having his appendix out prompted my mother not to ask where I was going all those nights._

_I still love Eric, but I also still love you and part of me will follow you back to New England._

_Love, Annie_

Tears spill down my face as I re-read the letter several times, this devastating letter that's blowing my world apart.

Hearing Mom and Dad enter, I automatically stand up.

They see me as I slowly make it to the bottom of the stairs.

I don't remember how I even got to the foot of the stairs, just that I'm here now and they are looking at me...my mother and the man who I have thought was my father for all my life.

Mom's holding Kaylee, but puts her down. She toddles into the living room.

"Simon...what is going on?" Mom asks.

"Mom..." I manage to get out. I am clutching the letter.

Mom sees it and I guess she sees the writing on it because her eyes bulge and she shrieks, " _SIMON!_ "

"Mom..." I barely whisper. Dad looks between us, but really doesn't seem too shocked.

"Simon, how dare you...!" Mom starts to scream at me.

"No, how dare you lie to me...to us..." My hand tightens around the letter, crumpling it.

"Annie...Simon, what is going on?" Dad demands. "Simon, have you been snooping around in our private places?" Dad glares at me.

"No...Ruthie's been, though and she found this and handed it to me...she and Sam told me the truth...the truth about how I was really born..."

"Annie, I thought you'd thrown away any evidence of that affair..." Dad...or the man I used to think was Dad...Eric, I guess, told Mom. "How could you be foolish enough to leave a letter in plain sight of one of the kids?"

"I did throw those letters out, but one...I hid it in that fake bottom of my dresser; I didn't know anyone else but you and I knew about it!" Mom shrieks back.

So Dad...Eric knew about this affair.

Silent tears begin to stream down my face at their betrayal and their lies swirling around me, threatening to drown me, drown me in the immense lie they have made of my entire life.

I can't say anymore, so I run upstairs, sobs ripping from me, tears still cascading down my face.

Running to my guest room, I bury my face in the bed and cry.

I don't try to hold it in or fight it; I just cry and cry until my face is sore, wet and probably blotchy red, and my chest is heaving with sobs.

"So, you never even told me that you had _SEX_ with this Sean Gallagher cad and possibly got pregnant with him?" I can hear Eric essentially roar at my mother. "You never even brought up the possibility, but just led me to believe that Simon was my son!"

"Well, the affair was over and there was no need to upset the other kids or have Simon grow up feeling stigmatized at being illegitimate! What would those gossipy church ladies have said if they knew Simon came out of my affair!" Mom screams back. "And you know you would have treated him differently if you knew he wasn't yours!"

"Well, if you hadn't had that affair in the first place, that wouldn't be a concern, would it?" Dad says coldly.

I hear footsteps coming upstairs.

Wiping my face, I contemplate hiding under the bed again.

But it is Ruthie they are after. I hear more yelling and from what I can gather from all three of them screaming at the same time, Ruthie was attempting to slip out of the house and Mom and Eric have intercepted her.

I hear snatches and pieces from all the simultaneous yelling like, "...hadn't done it..." "...nothing to hide..." "...explains what's wrong with Simon...he's not ours..." " _MY_ private letters...had no right..."

The voices move into the large guest bedroom where Mom and Dad...Eric are staying. The door slams.

I feel cold inside and realize that I am shivering.

Feeling a tad sick also, I pray that I don't have to vomit.

My parents...Mom and the man I thought was my dad spent over twenty years _LYING_ to me...lying to all of us kids.

Lying. Deceiving. Betraying.

Misleading their own family, the family they say they love.

"Mom...Dad..." I hear the front door close and Lucy coming in. "Savannah, go play..."

Oh, Savannah...Rick...little Kaylee...Mom and Eric have lied to them also, their own grandchildren.

"Mo-o-om!" Lucy bellows as the climbs the stairs.

I try to get up from the bed, but can't move very fast.

I'm too devastated; everything feels unreal; I'm moving in slow motion.

I realize that tears are still running down my face, now silent tears.

Lucy passes the room and sees me. Too late to hide.

"Simon...what's your problem this time?" She peers in at me.

It takes a couple of attempts for me to speak.

When I do, I manage to get out, "Mom and Dad have lied to us for twenty years..."

"What are you talking about?" She comes in, uninvited.

My half-sister. She's not my full sister.

And neither is Ruthie...my God, that means Matt, Sam, and David are my half brothers, not my full siblings.

I clear my throat and hold out the crumpled letter to her.

"Ruthie found this and Xeroxed it to give to me...Mom had an affair..."

"Simon, stop being ridiculous!" Lucy snaps, shoving the letter back in my face. "You know Mom is too moral to do that kind of sin! I know you and our parents don't see eye to eye, but your accusations are getting out of hand..."

"Lucy, please!" I sob. "Just ask them..." I can't say any more.

They are still in there in the yelling match with Ruthie, which until now, Lucy was oblivious to.

"So, why is Ruthie in there fighting with them?" she demands, still not getting it.

"Because of our...parents' lies!" I wail. "Just go listen..."

I guess she gets my message partly, because she shrugs, then goes down the hall.

She barges in on them uninvited just like she did with me.

"Don't you knock?" Ruthie shrieks.

The door re-slams. There's more shrieking and screaming and blame casting that I can't make out all too clearly, but I think Lucy sees that indeed Eric and Mom have lied to her also.

"Let's go see if we can contain this...try to talk to Simon..." Dad...Eric booms above the others.

No! I don't want them telling me to keep his lies a secret...I'm so tired of lying and I'll be damned if I'm going to lie for my parents! Or Mom and Eric!

Adrenalin giving me an unexpected strength, I leap off the bed and throw my things into my overnight bag.

I'm not staying here another night.

I'm sorry I have to leave so hastily, especially not saying goodbye to my nieces or nephew or Matt and Sarah or to Grandma or Grandpa, but I have to get away...escape.

If I can catch a flight back home tonight, I'll go...if not, I'll spend the night at the airport if I have to.

Looking around nervously to make sure I have not forgotten anything important, I pick up my bag and stealthily, but quickly move down the hall and down the stairs.

"Hey Simon...find out why you're illigimate?" Sam calls from the kitchen door and snickers.

I just shake my head at him and go out the door, leaving the mess Mom and Eric have created behind.

I'll walk or get a cab if I have to. But I am not, not staying another night in that house.

I'll leave a message for Matt and Sarah and another for Grandma and Grandpa, so they don't worry about me; I'll even leave a message Mom and Dad's landline, so they know I went home a day early.

The air is very crisp and chilly and I walk quickly, very quickly.

A few more tears roll down my face, but I ignore them and keep walking.

My emotions are churning inside of me...deep hurt, flashes of anger, a feeling that my world has collapsed under me, a feeling of just being unreal...what am I? I wonder in despair.

A terrible, emptiness fills me, a cold, vast empty space opening up inside of me.

Or maybe it was always there, but Mom's letter just has made me aware of it, able to feel that awful emptiness.

And in that gaping emptiness in me...a very lost me that half-belongs to a stranger, a father I don't know. Sean Gallagher.

Sean Gallagher is just a distant name to me, but somehow he is my biological father, my blood dad.

Realizing that I still have that letter crumpled in one hand, I stuff it onto my pocket.

Had Sean been married also to another woman?

And did he have other children? I shake all over as I realize that if Sean has other kids, they are also my half-siblings.

Is Sean nice or is he as messed up as Mom...or Dad...Eric?

Not only is this empty gap inside of me growing with every minute, I feel as if I am falling, falling way down into a dark hole of deceit.

Maybe I always was falling down that hole and just became aware of it now.

I am also so, so confused. I feel so mixed up about Mom and the man I thought of as Dad.

I love both of them and part of me still wants their love and approval.

Eric did raise me and in other ways, was Dad to me...and Mom loved us when we were growing up...didn't she?

I think of all the great meals Mom used to make for us, all the family meals we had around the kitchen or dining room table.

It was my Dad figure who held me when I cried over Ms Kerjez's sad story; it was Dad who held me when I cried over one of my teachers being suspended; it was Mom who held me when I cried over almost losing Happy, a dog we used to have; it was Mom who soothed and comforted me and brought me juices and snacks whenever I was sick growing up.

I also remember how hard Mom and Eric tried to comfort me after my high school accident that killed Josh Smith; they didn't quite know how, but they did try.

I have never, ever felt as mixed up about anyone as I now do about the two people who raised me.

I love them both deeply, yet part of me hates them.

I feel loved by them, but yet used and lied to by them.

I see how they help people outside the family, yet in their strange way, they tear their own family apart.

They pray to and publicly honor God and Jesus, yet they hurt me and several others and seem to show no remorse.

They claim to instill values and morals in all of us kids when we were growing up, yet they've lied for years and often haven't honored those same morals themselves and seem to show no qualms over violating their own moral codes.

"Simon..." someone is calling.

Freezing, I prepare to run if I have to.

But the voice calling doesn't belong to Mom, Lucy, or Dad.

It's Aunt Julie. She's been able to come after all.

"Hello, Aunt Julie..." I call.

I wonder if she knows anything, but looking at her face, she doesn't seem to.

"Where are you going?" she asks. "Are you all right?"

I came over to her car, unsure of whether to get in.

"Not really...I'm heading to the airport...I have a flight to catch tonight."

That's kind of a lie, but it can be turned into the truth.

"I just got here a bit earlier this morning and went straight to the hospital to see the Colonel...he's doing better and I'm glad I finally got off work to drive up here...maybe I can give you a lift to the airport?"

"Would you?" I am relieved to feeling something else and am thankful.

I get into her car and buckle the seatbelt. "Thanks, Aunt Julie."

"No problem," she smiles at me as she turns toward the airport. "Simon...you look a bit flushed and funny...is something the matter? Something in the family that's going on?"

For a long minute, I debate telling her about what I found out about myself.

But I am afraid I'll get more upset than I already am.

I don't want to completely deny anything's wrong, though.

"I have a problem with my parents...I found out something today about something they've kept from me for years...I'm n-not ready to discuss it now, but I'll call and tell you after I get home...when I get a few things sorted out..." I feel a tear run down my face and wipe it away.

"Something big, isn't it?" Julie asks quietly.

"Yes..." I say.

Luckily, she doesn't ask any more. The rest of the way to the airport, we mostly catch up.

Aunt Julie is a high school principal in New Jersey and her daughter, Erica, is now eight and in third grade.

My breath catches as I realize that I now know that neither Erica or Aunt Julie, who is Eric's sister, are related to me.

I start to shake a little as I also realize that the Colonel and Grandma Ruth are not biologically related to me.

Thanking Aunt Julie for her ride once I get to the airport, I try to control the shaking in my hands as I gather my bag and leave her car.

"Simon...are you going to be okay...is this problem you're having...should I keep it between the two of us?" she asks, peering out at me.

"If you can...but Mom and Dad are part of my problem...and Ruthie and Lucy already know...no, it's all right, you can ask..." I tell her.

"Are you going to be...?"

"Yes," I manage to nod. "I just need to get home quickly...bye, Aunt Julie...I'll call you..."

"Bye-bye, Simon..." she says.

She watches me until I get inside the airport.

I can tell I've worried her and feel a stab of guilt, but I can't do anything about that now.

I'm glad she has a cell, so I can call her when I get home and let her know I'm home at least and not about to commit suicide or have a breakdown right in the airport.

But I don't really know if inside, I will be all right for a very, very long time.

* * *

In the airport, I am relieved to find out that I can move my flight up to early evening tonight.

It is an extra hundred dollars, but it's worth it.

I'm going to have a large bill in December.

I feel like I just paid a fee just to keep my sanity.

I have to get home and be by myself, away from some people in my family.

There is not a long line through security, so I make it through in just ten minutes and go directly to my gate terminal.

While I am waiting, I have a snack and call Grandma and Grandpa.

I don't tell them about Mom and Dad's lie just yet, but I tell them I am on my way home right now and wish for Grandpa to keep getting well.

I tell Grandma Ruth how sorry I am to leave to suddenly without a face-to-face goodbye.

"Are you all right, dear? You sound funny."

"Yeah...I just had some problems with my...parents and need some time to think them through..."

Next to call are Matt and Sarah.

"Simon!" Matt says. He knows, I can tell. He sounds almost frightened. "Are you all right?"

"Yes...I'm...I'm at the airport...oh, Matt..." my voice begins to wail and tears come to my eyes again.

"Simon..." Matt sounds close to tears himself. "Sarah and I came back to the house and we heard everything...I just got into a huge fight with Dad...Sarah and I are on the way home now ourselves...how could Mom do this to you...just lie...cheat on Dad...and Dad help her cover up..."

I begin to cry again. People turn and look.

Feeling embarrassed, I turn toward the wall.

"Simon..." Sarah's voice comes on. "Matt and I are here for you...this is hardest on you and no matter what, Matt and I will always be your family..."

"Th-thanks..." I manage to sob.

"And no matter what lies Mom and Dad tell us, you and I...will always be brothers..." Matt's voice sounds a bit high and I realize that he's crying also.

"Im'mmm..." I manage. I grope around for a tissue, but can't find one.

"You're heading home now, right?" Sarah asks.

"Yes...I have to think all this over...but I just wanted to l-let you know...s-s-so you don't worry..." I'm trying to stem my tears.

It's not easy to talk and cry at the same time.

"We'll call you later on..." Matt says. He sniffles. "Have a safe flight home...oh, Simon, I'm so sorry about all this..."

"I'll call you when I'm home...thanks, both of you...you've both been great...and give the kids a kiss for me..."

"We will," Sarah says.

"Hang in there, Sime..." Matt says, his voice stable again.

We say goodbye and hang up. My flight is soon, so I go into the men's room, pee, then wash my face.

My eyes are bloodshot and there are circles under them.

The rest of my face looks wan and sad with my large lips drooping and tight and my thick brows knotted together in a troubled frown.

Horizontal little lines wrinkle the middle of my forehead.

I try to relax my brows and clear away the wrinkles, but without success.

I look like a young man haunted and betrayed, I think wryly.

Like someone who doesn't know who he is or where he belongs.

A non-Camden. I take a breath and head to my flight.

I wonder if the ticket taker sees the pain and troubled emotions in my eyes as I hand her the ticket.

Of course, she'd never comment since I am a stranger to her.

"Enjoy your flight..." is all she says as I board.

It gets dark on the flight home and I alternate between sleep and brooding.

Thankfully, this one is a direct flight, so I get home within a few hours.

It's late when I make it home, just past midnight.

I see my cell phone flashing with messages, but ignore them for now.

Mom's cell number appears, then Dad's and also Lucy's and Ruthie's.

I only leave messages for Matt, Sarah, Aunt Julie, and Grandma letting them know that I've made it home safely, then fall into bed.

I also leave a message on Mom and Dad's landline, but plead with them not to call me for at least a few days, that I need to sort this out by myself for a while.

When I will be able to deal with them again, I don't know.

I don't bother getting undressed or brushing my teeth or hair when I fall into bed.

I don't have to return to work for a couple of more days, so when I wake up the next morning, I catch up on my messages. I see one from a Beverly Kerjez.

I decide to bypass the other messages and go to Ms. Kerjez's.

" _Simon...this is Charlotte Kerjez's daughter, Beverly Barcheva...she's told me much about you...hello, I hope I can meet you someday...Simon...I want you to know...Mama...Charlotte Kerjez is dying...she hopes she can see you before she goes, but if she doesn't, she wants to say goodbye and pass this on to you...she has maybe a week...days...she says goodbye and thanks you for being a special part of her life...and for letting her tell you her story when you were just a little boy of eleven...well, I wanted to make sure you know...goodbye now..._ " she clicks off.


	8. Chapter 8

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**

_By_ : CNJ

_PG-13_

8

I reach the retirement community in just under an hour.

I drive more quickly than I have since my accident a few years ago, but still am cautious.

Walking through the brisk November morning, I walk through the complex to Ms. Kerjez's apartment.

A sober-faced middle-aged woman with the same reddish-light brown hair as Ms. Kerjez lets me in.

"Hello..." she greets. "You must be Simon."

"I am."

"I'm Olivia, her granddaughter," she introduces herself. "Come in..."

Olivia leads me to the bedroom. There is a group of people there, many who look like family. Some are crying; others are just serious-faced.

I'm shaking a little, afraid to go over.

I haven't seen Ms. Kerjez since last spring.

It doesn't seem real that she's dying, despite her age of ninety-three.

"Go on..." a heavy gray-haired woman softly ushers me forward.

Ms. Kerjez is lying on the bed, her eyes closed, and her silvery-white hair is limp on the pillow. Her breathing is shallow.

"Ms. Kerjez..." I quaver. "It's me...Simon..." I don't know what else to say.

Her eyes open and focus on me as I move close to her bed.

"Simon...you've come...I am so glad to see you vuone last time before I go..."

Tears well in my eyes and spill over before I can stop them.

I'm a tad embarrassed at first, but she casually reaches over and wipes them away like a grandmother.

Like a grandmother...I think of Grandma Ruth...but she's not really my grandmother.

Something tells me that now would not be the time to say anything about what I've found out about my parents and my not being Dad...Eric Camden's son.

Now's not even the time to dwell on it at all.

Now's the time to hold Ms. Kerjez's hand and tell her goodbye.

So I gently take her hand and she squeezes gently.

"I remember so vell vhen you were just a little boy...so curious...so serious for your age...older than your age..." Ms. Kerjez whispers. "Your father thought perhaps you vere too curious...but I never told you...I vas glad you asked me...about my life...I knew you cared...I knew you vere very mature for eleven years...even when you cried, your mind stayed clear..."

Fresh tears spill over my face. "You were so brave...getting up in front of my class and telling something that had to hurt...I'll always thank you for it...I want to say goodbye...and hope your light after this life is bright..."

"I'm sure yours vill be also...and your soul vill go to that heaven your family believes in..."

Ms. Kerjez's eyes droop and her hold on my hand goes limp.

Tears still falling, I lean over and kiss her goodbye.

My heart is pounding as I realize that she's slipping away right now.

I hear others crying also and step back to give her family one last chance to kiss her goodbye.

They take turns holding her hand, kissing, and whispering.

At first, I still hear breathing, and then it becomes quickly rapid, then slows.

Then I hear a faint rattle for along minute...then absolute stillness.

A doctor who's been in the room steps forward and checks her over, taking a pulse...but the pulse is gone.

"She's gone..." Dr. Hervey tells us softly.

Beverly Kerjez hugs me suddenly. "Thank you, Simon, dear...for being a good part of my mother's life...she told me so much about you."

"Thanks for calling me..." I say.

"Are you in college...or have you graduated?" she asks me.

"I graduated..." I tell her as we slowly head downstairs.

A few of her family members trail.

"So, what are you doing for a living?"

"I'm going into film production...I'm working temporary jobs until I can find something permanent."

We stand and talk for a bit more and Beverly tells me that her mother is being flown to Colorado for burial tonight.

"That's where she settled after coming here to the States and she raised us kids there," Beverly tells me. "She had three of us...Jack, my older brother, me, then my younger sister, Kristin."

I nod.

"Simon...are you all right?" she asks me.

I shrug.

"My mom hinted that you'd been through a lot in the past few years...is everything all right in your family?"

I look at her, deciding what I should tell her.

"Things aren't, are they?"

"Not really...I found out some things about my parents...they haven't always been honest with me..." I say.

I really am not ready to discuss Mom and "Dad's" deceptions or my sister's lives and Ruthie and Martin's affair and lies.

She gives me one last hug. We also exchange e-mails so we can stay in touch.

As I go, she calls, "Simon...you can e-mail me or call if you ever feel ready to talk..."

We wave goodbye as I head out to my car.

On the way home, my mind is a whirlwind of cascading thoughts and emotions.

They jumble about like the autumn leaves swirling around outside.

* * *

It's mid afternoon when I arrive home.

More messages are flashing from my cell as I ascend the short steps to my apartment.

More from Mom and "Dad." One from Lucy, one from Sandy, and also one from Matt.

I figure I might as well listen to them and get them cleared.

I also make a mental note to call Matt back.

There are three from Mom...

" _Simon...Simon, please pick up...don't tell me you just went home without a word to me and yes, your father since he raised you...Simon, that affair was long ago and it really shouldn't make a difference since it was Eric who raised you and he's still your father in every way that counts...see, back then, I was overwhelmed, lonely...I had three kids, one still in diapers and two not in school yet...then Matt had appendicitis and had to be rushed to the hospital...and even when he come home, he had to take it easy for a week afterward..._ "

Mom pauses and I think I hear a sob.

" _Simon, please talk to me...your dad and I were doing the best by you...we always stood by you...well, I have to start packing to head home...Simon, please call me back..._ "

I sit on my bed and keep listening.

Another from Mom. " _Simon...still not picking up...are you still upset with us? Please, don't be...your dad and I and the rest of the family just arrived home..._ "

Suddenly, she's talking to one of the boys.

" _David...what is it? Can't you see I'm on the phone and your dad and I are tired?_ "

" _If Sam doesn't stop annoying me, I'm gonna..._ "

" _Just stay quiet and find something to do!_ " Mom snaps. " _Go work on those math sheets you haven't done...yes, the ones your father assigned last week..._ "

She comes back to me. " _Simon, please don't shut me out like this...you have this habit of just shutting me out...you've always done that since you were a kid...please stop doing this...let's talk this out..._ " She clicks off.

The next one is from Dad. " _Simon...I know you're there, but just refusing to answer your phone...listen, I know I'm not your biological dad, but I am still your father in every important way...Simon, I hope you won't use this as an excuse to shut me out..._ "

Tears are running down my face once again and I try not to start sobbing.

" _Simon, why don't you come on down to Glenoak this weekend and we can meet and talk this out...Ruthie was wrong to tell you the way she did...your mother and I chastised her...I'm sure she will feel bad about it in time...we know about her affair with Martin...I can't believe Martin let himself be swayed like this...and he'll have to support another kid...he's stuck between Sandy and Ruthie now...so...let's meet and we'll talk...talk this out and be a family again..._ " Dad clicks off.

Lucy. " _Simon...well, I know this is a big shock for you, but think about our family...I'm shocked also; I never thought Mom could do something like this to Dad...Martin is going to break up with Ruthie and end his affair...by the way, Sandy knows and they had a big fight...I'm going to try to help them fix their marriage...those boys need them together...I told Ruthie what she was doing was wrong...so, Simon, I can be on your side in all this.. just give me a break here and don't ignore me...I'm still your sister...come on, call me back and let's talk..._ "

The next one is from Sandy.

" _Hi, Simon...I hope your granddad's all right...Simon, thanks for letting me know about Martin...Lucy's trying to get Martin to stay, but I think I'm going to leave him...you know he's gotten Ruthie pregnant...this isn't good for my boys...I've called Rose and she's invited me to stay with her until I can figure out what to do next...she's looking for a house big enough for both of us to rent...and I'm going back to work...thanks for your support...bye now..._ "

I'm relieved that she's finally getting the gumption to leave Martin.

Matt next.

" _Hi, Simon, I'm glad you made it home all right..." he pauses. "Simon, again, I'm so sorry about all you must be going through...Sarah and I both are...we both love you and hope you'll be all right...I can understand if you don't feel like talking to anyone now...but call us back whenever you feel up to it...let us know how things are...Jacob and Miriam send their love also...bye now..._ " Matt clicks off.

Mom for a third time.

" _Simon, it's me again_ …" Mom pauses. " _Simon, when are you going to call me?_ "

I hear her sniffle and even cry some.

My heart jolts and I feel a stab of guilt.

I'm so mixed up about my own mother.

I still love her and want to please her...but she lied for twenty four years to all of us. But I love her anyway.

She sobs a minute, making kind of _uhhh-hhuuunh_ sounds, then I guess gets herself together and goes on.

" _Your father wants us all to get together to try to work this out...please, Simon, say yes and just hear what we have to say...you don't have to agree with our actions, but your dad and I did what we did out of love...we didn't want you to be stigmatized or feel different from your family...and we are still your family, so don't shut us out...call me..._ " She clicks off.

I sit for a long minute, everything still swirling around me.

I am still not ready to deal with Mom or "Dad" yet.

I call Matt back and we talk. I also talk to Sarah.

I tell both of them about Ms. Kerjez's death.

"Simon..." Sarah says after we talk a bit more. "Do you want to find out more about your biological dad?"

"Yeah..." I say. "I do."

I'd like to find out more about my blood dad and also my other half-siblings.

"If you want, Matt and I can hire somebody to find out more…we'll make sure he really wants contact...you have to be ready for the possibility that he doesn't want to get in touch..."

"No problem..." I say. "If he doesn't, I'll respect that."

The last thing I want to do is try to impose myself on somebody who wants to forget an affair.

I just hope the breakup wasn't too painful...and I hope he was not married also when he had the fling with Mom.

Sarah lets me say hello to their twins before we hang up. I also call Sandy back.

"Hi, how's the house search coming?" I ask.

"Not sure...Rose has her eyes on something in Colorado...Martin doesn't know yet, so don't mention anything to anyone...right now, we're sharing this tiny place...Martin just thinks it's a temporary thing..."

"I won't..." I promise.

"I talked to a lawyer and she says I should be able to keep custody of the boys...Lucy's having Martin over and I think she's trying to tell us to stay together...do you ever talk to Lucy?"

"Sometimes..." I admit. "But she's never told me anything about what goes on in her counseling sessions."

"Martin told me he's broken things off with Ruthie...but she's pregnant with his kid...and by the way, he lost his job, so he's unemployed..."

I'd figured that explained his being home during a weekday.

"And Simon...I heard about what happened between you and your mom...about her affair and Reverend Camden not being your dad...I'm sorry..."

"Me too..." I say softly. "Thanks..."

"I think Ruthie or Lucy must have told Martin because he came and told me...he's practically gloating about it...and by the way, he's been badmouthing your mom also...both of your parents actually..."

"Somehow I'm not surprised," I say.

Martin is good at putting on a big show.

But I get the feeling that deep down inside, he really doesn't have any respect for anyone but himself.

I wish Sandy good luck, promise to keep in touch and we hang up after she promises to call and give her new address after moving.

* * *

I'm rather sorry that this is the last week of this assignment.

I keep hoping something permanent comes very soon.

Work takes my mind off my family and emotional problems.

Our staff is just about done reprogramming this batch of cell phones.

Kerry and I have our last lunch together.

"I'm going to miss you," she tells me.

"I'll miss you too..." I tell her.

We exchange e-mails and numbers, so we can keep in touch.

She tells me about two books she's reading, _Summer Sisters_ by Judy Blume and _Parts of the Sky_ by a Pat Jaquin. Both books sound interesting.

I tell her about the book I recently read about a project in Washington DC to clean and refurbish an Anacostia River there.

"Sounds like a wonderful project..." Kerry says. "If only they'd do that here with some of their rivers and lakes...I once went to the lake at the edge of town and that lake is a mess..."

"My brother lives in New York and he says they did something like that with the Hudson River years ago...it seems like the big cities move first...I wonder why?"

"More resources...more people who speak up..." Kerry sips the last of her soda.

"I guess in some smaller towns where the suburbs are all wide and neat, people get complacent and stop caring about the other parts like the water masses."

Glenoak mostly recycles and basic things, but there's never any bigger overhaul like the ones that most cities often have.

I think over how most of the jobs I've applied to are in the big cities.

LA. San Francisco. New York. Washington, DC.

I still haven't heard from any of them yet.

But I suppose it'll be a few more weeks.

* * *

Matt calls when I get home and I am able to pick up.

"Matt...hi..." I greet.

"Hey, Sime...how you holding up? Mom and Dad called with the guilt trips and excuses?"

"They have some...Mom's called about three times, begging me to call her..."

We talk a bit longer and I find out that Matt and Sarah are going to a medical convention in Virginia later on this week.

"And Simon...Sarah and I have good news...we found out that birth father is Sean Gallagher; he and his wife live in New Hampshire and they have three kids and they want to meet you after all..."

"Oh, thanks, Matt!" I'm touched. "Tell Sarah thanks also..."

"Here she is..." Matt says "I'm putting the speaker on..."

"I was telling Matt and you...thanks for finding out about Sean...my dad for me..."

"We can all thank Shirley Bancani...she was the one who looked up Sean and talked to him and his family...it turns out he was not married when he was with your mom...he and Gena had been seeing each other on and off and had two of their kids...but once Sean broke things off with Annie, he got back together with and married Gena two years later and they had another daughter..."

"Was she able to find out the kids' names?" I ask.

"I think so...Matt...did she...?" I hear them ruffling around through papers or something.

"Micheal's the oldest, Erin's the second one about Lucy's age, and Linda's the one who came after you...she's in college and is three years younger than you," Matt tells me.

My spirits are slowly rising at the thought that I might have this other family out there...possibly one that hasn't spent twenty-four years lying to me.

"I've heard good things about these people..." Matt goes on. "And all of them want to meet you..."

"Oh, this is great..." I'm relieved.

Now I know it's safe to find out more about them. That empty space that gaped inside of me is beginning to fill again...possibly with something more positive.

"Thank you both again...and Matt...Sarah...no matter what with the Gallaghers, you two will always be part of my family...maybe if they're open to it, they could meet you two..."

"Possibly..." Sarah agrees.

I hear two small voices in the background.

"Hang on...I think our kids want to say hello...want to talk to them?"

"Sure...hi, Jacob...Hi, Miriam..." I say.

""Lo, Unca Simon" "Hiii, Sime..." the kids say.

"Good talking to you...how've you been?"

"Fiiine..." "Good..."

We chat a bit, then I talk to Matt and Sarah a bit longer before we hang up.

Siting for a long minute, I look at the notebook page that has the information about my birth dad and his family.

I feel as if a missing piece of a puzzle has finally been found.

I decide to wait until the following day to contact the Gallaghers since New Hampshire is several hours ahead of California and it is getting late over there.

I don't want to wake anyone if they go to bed early.

* * *

I have to send my resume off to several places today, so most of the next day, I do this. I also hear from my other dad...

" _Simon...come on, let's talk...we're still family...don't do this...your mother and I feel bad about misleading you...we truly were doing the best we knew how...please call us back...your mother's been crying for days...she's really upset and this hurts her as much as it hurts you...and with Matt not talking to us either...we really don't want to lose you...with Thanksgiving almost here, do you really want to have this rift between us...we'll work this out...we always have..._ "

I get home later that afternoon, debating on whether to call Eric back to placate him and Mom.

And part of me does want to work this out, figure them out and figure out why they really did the things they did and still do.

I eat, then decide to call Eric back after all.

He's not at the church, so I have to call him at the house.

"Well, Simon, it's about high time you graced us with a voluntary call," Lucy answers.

"Hi, Lucy," I say, tired already.

"I'm trying to support you here, so don't punish me for Mom's stupid mistakes," Lucy snipes. "Anyway, Mom feels bad enough and has been driving all of us crazy with her little crying spells and complaints...Sam and David are fighting nonstop and torment Kaylee nonstop and Ruthie won't do a thing about it and Mom's too wrapped up in this thing with you to do anything about the twins, so I have to step in...so I'm basically raising Kaylee for Ruthie and if this drama with you and Mom keeps up, I'll end up taking care of Sam and David also on top of home-schooling Savannah...so I'm getting stuck taking care of the whole family here...so, Simon, just try to move on and talk to Mom so she'll stop carrying on like this." Lucy complains.

"So, what about Dad...surely he's doing something..."

"He does what he can, but we both have the church and Dad's always trying to quiet Mom...Simon, you need to talk to Mom...she's still your mother and you can't just blow her off because she lied to you...after all the times you lied to us..."

"Luce, I didn't call to discuss our lies with you...is Dad around?"

Lucy pauses a long minute and I wonder if she's going to get Eric or just hang up on me.

But she sighs and mutters, "I'll see if he's around...he's been locked up in his study all afternoon..."

It's a ten-minute wait and I hear somebody screaming in the background, then Ruthie yelling at someone.

Wincing, I hope it's not one of the kids.

I shiver slightly and worry about Savannah, Rick, Kaylee and even Sam and David.

One of the babies is crying...either Rick or Kaylee.

"Lucy..." I hear Ruthie scream. "Get Rick...he's crying again and I'm trying to tape this show...Lucy!"

Lucy shouts something back that I can't hear.

"He's your kid...you ignore him, then have the nerve to criticize how I raise my kid!" Ruthie shrieks. "I've had enough of this! I'm sick of you acting so above me...I know you're happy Martin dumped me and I'm gonna have to raise another kid without a father..."

"Ruthie, shut up for a change and do something for somebody else for a change!" Lucy screeches back. "I'm the one taking care of everyone in this darned family and you don't lift a finger...you just watch those stupid reality shows and fool around with that internet all day! With Mom in her mood about Simon not to mention Simon's little traumas and his blowing us off, I don't have time for your immature crap! You brought your mess on yourself and have no one to blame but yourself for your Martin fiasco...so you shut Rick up for once if he's such a bother to you!"

I hear another cry and know Kaylee's joined Rick.

" _NOW_ there's your kid!" Lucy snaps. "Shut her up!"

There's more screaming between the two of them, then I guess Eric's come out of the study because I hear him roar at them to be quiet.

"She started..." I hear Ruthie complain, but Eric butts in. "I don't want to hear it...both of you get upstairs and take care of your kids! Your mother and I have enough on our hands without you two complicating everything more!"

I guess they go and I hear Lucy say, "Oh, Dad...Simon finally decided to call...he's might still be on the phone if he hasn't hung up already and gone back to his stewing over Mom...I was going to tell you before Ruthie's rude interruption...and Dad, try to talk some sense into Simon...he's almost as bad as Mom is with the sulking and grudges."

Eric finally comes on the phone.

"Good, you haven't hung up," he says.

"Nope...still here..." My voice catches and I worry that I'm about to cry also.

"Simon...can we please get together...just you, me, and your mother? Thanksgiving's not far away and I want you here for the holiday and not on bad terms...just give us this chance...I know what your mother did was wrong and perhaps I made a mistake in going along and covering this up...but I'm still your father in all other ways and want you to continue being part of our family...as it is, Matt's not talking to me...right after you left, Matt and I had a big hullabaloo over this thing with you...Matt accused me of being two-faced and 'collaborating'...honestly, I don't know what gets into Matt sometimes...he too often acts like he knows better than me...has he told you anything...has he been badmouthing me to you?"

"No..." My voice cracks a little and I clear my throat.

"Surely he's told you something..."

"Just that you two had an argument...nothing more..."

I have the feeling "Dad" is trying to fish dirt out of me. I won't give him that pleasure.

"Simon, you don't have to do this...protect your brother..."

"Listen...Dad...I don't want to discuss that fight anymore...what is going on at the house?" I ask. "Do Lucy and Ruthie carry on like this all the time? What about the kids...my two younger brothers, my nieces and nephew...your grandkids...do they have to live with this every day?"

"Simon..." "Dad" kind of lets out his breath with a _pwwwphhh_. "Okay, Lucy and Ruthie do fight sometimes and sometimes over the kids...and this thing with you and your mother is making things tense also...the kids know something is going on with you...they're merely reacting...especially since your mother's been out of sorts for days..."

"What about school?" I say.

"School?" "Dad" echoes. "Lucy's teaching Savannah and I'm schooling the boys and I help Lucy with her kids...and you know Kaylee and Rick are too young for school...but what does this have to do with you and your mother?"

"Well...I think maybe the boys and Savannah need to get away from this for the weekdays...and school...outside would be good for them...for part of the day...you and Lucy could still teach them some things...and Kaylee and Rick could have daycare for a couple of hours..."

"Hey, hold it, Simon...I know you think escape is the way to solve problems, but it's not, at least for us...the boys are happy at home with your mother and me...Savannah's learning how to read well because of her mother's fine teaching...they don't need so-called 'professionals' to do the job we can do easily ourselves.

And the kids are learning to work problems out, not hide from them."

"I see..." I wince, knowing that "Dad" thinks of me as "hiding" from my problems.

Maybe I do hide sometimes, but it's the only was I can keep sane and not be dragged into Ruthie, Martin, and Lucy's mess as well as Mom and "Dad's" web.

"You know Lucy's been counseling Martin...she's teaching Martin not to hide from his issues with Sandy...they're going to work this out and be a family again...and Martin will do the right thing and support Ruthie's baby...I'm glad we have most of our family still deal with our problems instead of running away..."

"Has Lucy talked to Sandy also?" I ask.

"Sandy hasn't come...Lucy tried calling her, but Sandy hasn't returned her calls...Simon...can we meet and work out the problems you and your mother are having...I might not be your blood father, but I am and will continue to be your father in every way that's important...how about this weekend?"

Too soon, I think. I'm not sure I'm ready for them face-to-face yet. I feel tears squeeze into my eyes.

"Simon?" "Dad" prods.

"I'm...occupied this weekend...but I'll come on Thanksgiving..." I manage, my voice cracking again into a slight rasp.

"Dad" sighs. "I guess that'll have to do...we really want to see you again...I'll let your mother know...then maybe she can get out of this mood she's in...I think her mood is dragging all of us into a funk..."

After we disconnect, I finally call Sean.

I get Gena, but I'm lucky because both of them are home.

They go on speaker and greet me.

"Sean...Gena...hi..." I say timidly.

"Hello...Simon...is your name?" Sean asks.

His voice is soft and rather deep.

Gena's is bell-like and kind of husky.

"Yes...my name's Simon...Camden...I live in California now..." I give him my address.

"What color are your eyes?" Gena asks.

"Silver...sometimes gray..."

At first I'm puzzled by the question, then realize that it's a basic identity question.

"Just wanted to make sure...Shirley told us your eyes were silver...your brother and sister-in-law hired her..." Sean adds.

My heart pounds as I realize that the man on the line is my actual birth father...I guess Gena's my step mom then.

We talk more and I am relieved to feel at ease with them.

They seem at ease with me and sound so warm.

I tell them about my job hunt and my temp jobs and that I have six other siblings on Mom's side.

"Simon...I'm so sorry you've been hurt...I didn't find out your mother was married until we'd been...seeing each other for almost six months...and I never knew your mother was pregnant with you...Gena and I weren't together at the time..."

So Mom lied to Sean as well.

"We married after Sean ended things with your mother...we'd already had Micheal and Erin and two years later we had Linda."

They tell me a little about their kids...all grown with Linda in her third year of college and majoring in advertising.

Micheal, the oldest is engaged and is an editor for the _Boston Globe_ while Erin is an accountant and lives in Vermont.

I also find out that they are Irish Catholic.

That explains my upturned nose and freckles, I realize.

I give them my e-mail and get theirs and we promise to send pictures to each other.

When we hang up, I feel good about the Gallaghers and see how proud Gena and Sean are of all three of these kids.

I smile softly for the first time in over a week.

* * *

Later on in the week, I go to another interview, this one in Arizona.

It's a day to drive there and back.

I get home and see a voicemail from a Rosina Glass. Sarah's mom.

As I listen to the message, I at first wonder why she has called.

" _Simon..._ " Rosina is crying. My heart begins to pound in fear before the news comes out.

" _It's Rosina Glass...bad news...it's Matt...he's..._ " she cries harder. "... _gone...died...stabbed on the way back from a conference...I called your parents...they're coming up..._ "

Oh...God! Tears begin to run down my face as the impact of what she's telling me sinks in. Matt is dead.


	9. Chapter 9

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**

_By_ : CNJ

_PG-13_

**9**

Almost all of us are back in New York again just a week after our last trip there...Mom, Eric, Lucy, Ruthie, Sam, David, me, and Ruthie and Lucy's kids.

Grandpa Colonel and Grandma Ruth are there also.

So are the Glasses, including Miriam and Jacob...because we are here to bury Matt.

Yes, he's dead. Dead as the result of a brutal random stabbing at a train station in Virginia.

I haven't stopped crying since Rosina Glass called me with this awful news.

There's another gaping hole that's been ripped open inside of me.

My tears seem to be coming from that hole and into my eyes and streaking my face.

My crying has been so bad that I'm not even able to wear my glasses and I'm having a hard time seeing.

Sarah and I have been clinging to each other for most of this past day since we arrived.

Neither Sarah or her parents have stopping crying either and I know they've each had a huge hole torn out of them also.

My heart aches for Matt and Sarah's kids, who huddle together, tears on their faces as they cling to their grandparents as we make our way to the synagogue where Matt's funeral is taking place on this cold, cold, cloudy, windy morning.

Sarah and I walk not too far behind, clinging to each other.

Her face is very pale and tears have been streaming down it nonstop, her eyes bloodshot.

I know my eyes are bloodshot also and I feel my own tears continue to come...I can't stop them.

I feel lightheaded today and keep fearing that I will faint in a heap right on the street.

Fighting the urge to faint, I keep going, holding on to Sarah.

Not far behind us, Ruthie and her parents walk slowly also.

Mom is also crying, letting out occasional _uhhh-huhh-huhh_ wails and wiping her face with a handkerchief.

Her crying sounds are the only noise around; the Glasses and I are crying quietly.

Even their twins' crying is silent, silent and deep.

At three, they seem to understand that their dad is never returning.

I feel a twinge of pain in my stomach for them and know that what they are enduring is far worse than any of the rest of us are going through.

"Dad," I notice, doesn't pay much mind to Mom.

His eyes are also a bit bloodshot and he just stares vacantly ahead.

Ruthie alternates between walking between her parents and with hanging to the side.

I cannot tell if she has cried yet or what she is feeling.

Grandma Ruth and the Colonel are walking behind Ruthie and her parents.

Grandma Ruth is holding Kaylee, who looks around in bewilderment and fear.

Sam and David walk near our grandparents, sometimes talking and even having the nerve to giggle at one point.

Do they even grasp that their oldest brother is dead?

Do they really know just what has just happened to our family?

Lucy is not with us right at the moment; Mom said something about her being detained back at my grandparents' house and Savannah and Rick are with her.

I vaguely wonder what that something is, but really don't care.

As we reach the synagogue and sit, I wince, then feel my brows tighten and my mouth go stiff as I see Matt's casket up front.

I try not to let out another keen, but it escapes anyway and I feel myself shake a little.

I can't believe my older brother is gone! Gone. Dead.

It was just a short time ago that I talked to him on the phone about finding my biological dad and about his kids...now he's just gone.

The actual funeral is a big blur. The Hamiltons are all there, all six of them.

So are Hank and Julie and Erica. Julie's face is streaked with tears.

She and I exchange looks of sympathy before I have to look down again, my tears still flowing and flowing.

Heather and Shana also come in a minute later, their eyes filled with tears.

Sarah limply waves them over and the four of us hug and weep.

"I just...can't believe this..." Heather sobs.

"It just doesn't seem real...just not fair..." Shana adds, wiping her face.

Loads of other people come in also.

Most of the rest of the Glasses' extended family...neighbors of Sarah and Matt.

Friends of Rosina and Richard. It's a very large gathering; so many people who feel the loss of Matt Camden.

It's obvious that many of them are also his colleagues and some are his patients.

I find it hard to pay much attention to what is said.

At one point, Rabbi Glass gives a eulogy, tears streaming down his face, his voice heavy and thick.

My heart goes out to him. I know he and Rosina loved Matt like a son.

Soft sobs tear their way out of me and I try not to keen again, but it's not easy.

I let out a few high-pitched wailing keens and press a hand over my mouth.

None of us in the Camden part of our family have spoken to each other much at all.

I arrived early this morning and do not know where I will stay tonight.

Lucy, Savannah, Rick, Mom, "Dad," Kaylee, Sam, David, and Ruthie are staying with Grandpa Colonel and Grandma Ruth; they all arrived the night before.

I went there briefly this morning and saw them.

Savannah had come over and given me a hug and I hugged back, my tears flowing nonstop.

Lucy practically raced over and pulled her away.

Even with Matt's death hanging over all of our heads, I am amazed that my sister can still be so concerned about my "bad" influence over her daughter.

Now I wonder if Lucy is going to miss this funeral.

I can tell Mary is going to miss it; this morning before we started to walk from Matt and Sarah's place, I heard Dad complaining loudly about the messages from him and Mom that Mary has ignored.

As the ceremony ends, some of us come to look at Matt's body...his body.

My vision is blurred and I don't want to look, but feel I have to.

I get the feeling Sarah is feeling the same way, so we go up briefly together.

Matt's face is so expressionless...I feel an actual pain in my stomach as it lurches.

More keening rips out of me as I quickly look away and shrink back.

Sarah catches me and holds me as she sobs.

It is a short walk to the cemetery, but it feels like it takes years to walk there.

On the way, I think over the whole unfairness of this...Matt, a great dad and husband is dead.

It's not right. It's not right. No! I don't want Matt to be buried.

We need him here. Please, God, help us! I silently wail.

But nothing comes from above, no miracle happens.

I know Sarah also does not want to bury her husband, the father of her children.

It's unfair that she has had to tell Miriam and Jacob that their daddy is gone forever.

This is just not right. No. Please, God, I silently plead.

We arrive at the gravesite just before the six pallbearers carrying the casket do.

Shutting my eyes, I must to look away.

I feel Sarah's hand grasping mine and we hold on to each other for dear life.

On the other side, I hear Mom sob noisily.

"My zzzzon...deaaaad!" she wails.

I open my eyes to see her sink down onto her knees as she watches the casket being brought to the grave hole.

"Mom!" Sam snaps impatiently and he and David roll their eyes at each other.

"Dad" stares upward and his lips soundlessly move as if he's silently praying.

Feeling sick, I have to avert my eyes from my younger brothers.

Mom stays on her knees, not seeming to care if her black skirt is getting dirty.

I myself really don't care that my eyes are a puffy bloodshot wreck and I am sure none of the Glasses are caring about appearances at this time.

The rabbi reads one more prayer.

As she completes the prayer, a car pulls up abruptly outside the graveyard and stops with a squeal of brakes.

I am stunned to see Lucy and Martin get out.

Savannah follows and they approach.

Neither Lucy or Martin are crying.

Savannah isn't either, but she pales a bit as she sees us.

My eyes completely fill again, blurring the image.

I feel my niece's arms around me.

"I know you miss Uncle Matt and I will also...I know you're sad..."

"Th-thank you..." I manage to get out and hug her. Savannah hugs Sarah and her parents also.

"Savannah!" Lucy snaps and waves her hand impatiently.

Savannah reluctantly pulls away and trots back to her mother, who glares down at her.

'Why is Martin here?" Ruthie demands. A tear rolls down her face.

"Martin..." Eric says, smiling briefly at him. "Good to see you..."

"I just thought I'd come and offer my support...I never knew Matt that well, but I know you all loved him very much...despite his being so far and marrying outside of our family bonds, I'd grown to love him also..."

He reaches out and pulls Mom to her feet.

Mom clings to him for a minute, wailing, then pulls back.

"Oh, Maaaartin, I'm glad you've g-go-ome..." Mom wipes her face. "I really g-gouuuuld use your subborrrt..."

"Any time you need me, Mrs. Camden, I'm here," Martin smiles, then as if he remembers it's a funeral and not a cookout, he pastes on this fake somber expression and adds, "We all know Matt's in a better place with God...and I know just what you and Mr. Camden are going through since I lost my mother also..."

I have to fight the urge to throw up at Martin's phony flattery. I try to ignore him.

Sarah and her parents look as if they've been slapped.

Shana has a hand over her mouth.

Fresh tears well in her eyes as her brows slant.

Nigel and Lynn look at Martin, then at each other in shock.

My stomach lurches and I fear that I will vomit right there on the cold grass.

Martin discreetly gives me a dirty look as he and Lucy stand at one end of Dad.

I have to swallow hard to keep from puking as I try to get my stomach under control.

Sarah's face is stark chalky white and she spends the rest of the rabbi's speech staring at Martin in disbelief.

Martin sees it and looks coldly back at her.

I am just as shocked, if not more so, to see Lucy stand next to Martin and actually have this little smile on her face.

Ruthie twists over and glares at both of them.

Lucy and Martin ignore her, although I know they see Ruthie's glare.

As the casket is lowered into the ground, the Glasses, their kids included and I step forward and we each drop a flower, our silent tears intermingling.

So do Shana, Heather, and the four Hamilton siblings, tears streaming down their faces.

My face tightens and my brows pull upward at the bridge of my nose as my tears gush harder again.

I try to whisper a prayer for Matt, but just can't.

* * *

We're back at Sarah and Matt's after the burial for the post-funeral gathering and where Sarah and her family will be sitting Shivah for a week.

Lots of their neighbors have brought over food.

I can't eat, however, so after I give Miriam and Jacob huge hugs and let them cry a while on my lap, I quietly stand in one corner and just watch the others...tears still are trickling down my face, but I am not crying as hard.

I put my glasses back on. Nigel and Lynn come and stand next to me and all three of us just quietly watch the others, not really saying anything.

John and Keisha along with John's wife Priscilla and Keisha's partner, Natalia are sitting with Sarah and her parents.

Jacob and Miriam are sitting with them also.

"It's still so unreal that he's gone..." Nigel whispers.

"Unbelievable..." Lynn adds.

The place is muted, people are talking, but softly.

Ruthie is with Mom and Dad looking around for someone.

I wonder if they are seeking Lucy or Martin...Lucy and Martin in by the large table with the food, eating grapes and talking.

At one point, Martin even pops a grape into Lucy's mouth and she seems to be giggling.

My heart jolts briefly as I start to wonder if Lucy picked Martin up at the airport and why they seem to be by each other so much at this funeral.

Martin obviously wants something...I wonder what?

We stand quietly for a few minutes until Ms. Patricia and Reverend Morgan Hamilton come over and give all three of us hugs.

"Simon, darling, how are you holding up?" Ms. Hamilton asks.

"We're all so shocked about what happened to your brother..." Reverend Hamilton adds.

"Thank you..." Tears begin to fall harder again and I lean on them for a minute. "It's going to be so different...strange without Matt."

"Give yourself plenty of time to grieve..." Ms. Hamilton says softly and strokes my back. "Any time you need to cry and grieve, just let it out..."

Nodding, I am unable to say more for now.

They slowly drift off and I turn and see Mom and "Dad" approaching.

"There you are..." "Dad" says.

He gives me an uneasy hug. I just stand there and nod. I can't bring myself to hug them.

Mom comes to hug me, but I think she feels my stiffness when she starts to put her arm around me and pulls back.

"Things aren't going to be the same without Matt..." I say, my voice rather hoarse.

I wipe tears off my face, but they still slowly come.

"No, they won't," Eric agrees. "Which is why...Simon...can we talk about what's going on...with last week and what you found out about us?"

"With Matt gone, we all have to band together now more than ever," Mom says.

She takes out a linen handkerchief and blows her nose loudly.

Her eyes are red and she looks ready to start crying again.

I really don't know what to say to her...or even to the man I thought was my father for twenty-four years.

I can only just stare at them, my own eyes filmed with the tears I still need to shed...thousands to gallons of tears I suspect.

But my tears are for our family that is now without Matt...and for the Glasses, who have also lost Matt and for Miriam and Jacob, who have lost a wonderful father.

"Simon..." Eric puts a hand on my shoulder, which causes me to stiffen involuntarily.

Why are they so concerned about their lie and the aftermath of their lies now when we are dealing with the far greater fact that Matthew John Camden is dead...gone forever from our lives?

"Simon, don't do this..." Mom pleads.

Tears fall down her face and she reaches out, but I pull away from both of them, my own tears coming harder again.

"I know we've hurt you, but it's hurting us that you won't talk to us about this...we need you to forgive us..."

Beginning to cry full force again, I have to look away.

I try to speak, but then have to turn away and leave.

Walking, I trip over a chair. I debate on heading to the bathroom, but feel a soft hand on my back that is fortunately neither Mom's or "Dad's."

I wipe my eyes trying to see clearly again and have to take my glasses off.

"Hey..." John says softly.

He's with Priscilla. I lean gratefully on them and just cry for a long minute.

I feel their tears dripping also and know they are grieving.

I can imagine they feel pain just as intense since John had been Matt's best friend for so many years.

"This is rough..." Priscilla says. We slowly pull away, wiping our eyes.

"This is so weird...strange..." John whispers. "The ones I feel for are Sarah and their kids..."

"Me too...they've lost a wonderful husband and father...oh, God, it hurts to see..."

It's another minute of deep weeping for me before I can slow my tears.

"Thank heavens Sarah has her parents, aunts, and uncle and some cousins...and you, Simon..." Priscilla says. She gives me one last hug.

"Thanks...let's all be here for her...and the kids...I know her parents loved Matt like a son..." I add.

Across the room, I spot "Dad" talking with the Glasses briefly.

The Colonel and Grandma Ruth join them. At the table, Sam is licking a plate.

I'm a bit horrified to see David throw a glass of juice at his face and Sam start to chase David around the table and grab the seat of David's pants and yank.

I am relieved when one of Sarah's aunts stops them before Sam depantses his brother right there at their own brother's Shivah.

The aunt, who is Felicia, seems to have spoken firmly with them because they stop carrying on.

I hope they're beginning to at least realize that it's a funeral and not a park fair.

It is my hope also in time, they begin to realize that this is not just any Shivah and funeral, but that of Matt Camden.

But if that's too much for them to comprehend, I'd like to hope they can have some measure of respect for the Glasses and the others who feel the loss of Matt.

"Did something happen between Ruthie, Lucy, and Martin?" John asks suddenly.

"Wha..." I'm startled a minute, then follow John and Priscilla's gaze across the room to the food table.

Martin and Lucy are still there, eating and talking. Ruthie is across the table and giving them filthy glares. "Oh...just some family problems..."

John and Priscilla nod, but don't ask any more questions.

The Hamiltons are good about respecting others' privacy unlike my mom and "dad."

We stand a few more minutes before the other Hamilton siblings along with Heather and Shana drift over to us.

So does Sarah and her twins. We give her hugs again.

"Sarah...we'll be here for you...always," Keisha adds. "We also loved Matt like a brother...and Miriam and Jacob...you two have many people here who love you and miss your daddy also..."

She leans over and gives them each a kiss.

"Thanks..." Sarah says, a few more tears running down her face. "You all have been...great...a big support..."

She puts her arms around her kids.

My heart squeezes as I see the three of them...from now on, it'll be just the three of them in this house.

Oh, how strange they must feel without Matt...I know they will miss Matt even more than any of the rest of us will.

* * *

I don't go back to my grandparents' place that night since Sarah invites me to stay at her place for the night.

So I wind up spending the next two nights at her place and try to be there for her, her parents, and for Miriam and Jacob.

John and Priscilla come for the next few days also and bring food from the nearby store. Nigel and Lynn are stayed at a hotel near the airport in adjacent rooms.

Shana and Heather stay two nights in a hotel room nearby, but have to head back home to Washington the third day.

I hug them goodbye outside Sarah's doorstep.

"Good luck, Simon," Shana says.

"Let's all keep in touch..." Heather adds.

"And give your kids a kiss for me...I'd love to see them sometime..." I add.

We stand quietly for a minute with the wind swirling around us.

The clouds are streaked gray and white and blowing across the November sky above the now-bare branches.

The outdoors seems full of life, just like Matt was full of life.

We're all cried out for now and starting to see and think more clearly again, but know all of us will feel an empty space inside each of us for a very long time...years perhaps.

"Simon...are your parents wheedling you over for Thanksgiving?" Heather asks.

I'm surprised for an instant, but realize that Thanksgiving is in one week.

"Thanksgiving...oh, it's next week...I forgot it's coming...yes, they have...I think I'll go for a couple of hours..."

Heather and Shana know about Mom and "Dad's" lies and what I found out about my birth dad and my mom.

"Well, very good luck with that...and any time you need us, we're here for you..." Shana gives me one last hug.

"Yeah...good luck with your family...I know how hard it's been for you," Heather adds before they leave.

After they go, I walk around the block and think about families...Shana grew up with an alcoholic mom and a dad who walked out on their family...her brother had serious emotional problems growing up and their mom had been abusive toward her brother, who then would take out his anger on Shana.

I am thankful that things are now much better in the Sullivan family.

Shana's mom got real help and is sober and her brother also got counseling and now all three of them are much closer and no longer abusive.

Shana told Matt, Sarah, and me in a recent e-mail that her brother, her mom, and she all got together last year and talked some and cried over old pictures together.

It really went a long way in healing their family.

I also worry a lot about Lucy and Ruthie's families and especially their kids...I only hope that Savannah and Rick get a chance to attend school so they can have some normalcy in their lives.

I dearly hope that Kaylee gets love from somewhere and also a sense of peace and normalcy.

If Ruthie can't parent her, I pray that somewhere, someone around can give Kaylee the nurturing she needs.

Mom tries, but I have the feeling that Mom is often tied down with Lucy's demands and often takes care of Lucy's kids.

Despite my anger and disappointment with Mom and "Dad," I also feel for them since this setup is really not fair for them.

They raised five of us kids and are now raising Sam and David, who are a handful.

But now I suspect they have ended up taking care of Lucy and Ruthie's kids and supporting them.

Thinking of Lucy also makes me wonder what is going on with Martin...I know Lucy's told me that she's been counseling Martin, but I also get the creepy feeling that it is something more.

I wonder if they will have the gall to carry on something right in front of Ruthie considering that Martin just broke up with Ruthie and also considering that Sandy has just left Martin.

Well, whatever it is, I absolutely refuse to lie for either one of them or get in the middle of it in any way.

Mom and Eric will probably end up dealing with whatever goes down between the three of them.

* * *

I hug Sarah long and hard the late afternoon before my flight home. I also hug Miriam and Jacob.

"I'll be back soon, I promise..." I tell all three of them. "I love you...kids...remember your mom loves both of you very much…we all miss your daddy..."

Tears fill my eyes. I try not to wipe my eyes because I know I'll start crying again full force and not be able to stop for a long time. "But we all love you also..."

"Bye..." "Bye...love you, too, Uncle Sime..." the twins tell me, hugging back.

I'm crying anyway as I get into the cab to the train and to the airport.

But it's soft, quiet crying. I think the cab driver sees my tears, but doesn't comment and I am grateful.

Once again, I am heading back west.

I remember briefly that I have two job leads here in New York City left and hope that it pans out...they told me they'd get back to me about it in early December.

Meanwhile, I guess I'll see my parents, my sisters, and two of my nieces and my nephew back in Glenoak for Thanksgiving and hope it's not too much.

I purposely told them I'd come for just a couple of hours, although I know Mom will probably try to guilt me into staying the whole Thanksgiving day and that Friday after, if not all weekend.


	10. Chapter 10

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**  
  
By: CNJ  
  
PG-13  
  
10

Thanksgiving Day. All week, I'd forgotten that it was coming, despite Matt's death and now I wake up from a vague nightmare and see my calendar and reality slams down upon me that the actual Thanksgiving holiday is here.

It takes me a while to get up. When I finally do, my phone rings. It's Christina.  
  
She wishes me good luck today and tells me that her parents and siblings are spending the day with Cecilia. I wish her a happy Thanksgiving.  
  
She, Cecilia, and the rest of the Davis family know about Matt and all have sent me wonderful sympathy cards.  
  
The Davises also know about Mom and "Dad's" lies to me.  
  
"Simon...good luck with them today...and don't let them guilt you into staying longer than you're comfortable with," Christina tells me.  
  
"I'll try," I tell her. "And tell your family thanks for all your support..."  
  
I also call Sarah and wish her good luck for Thanksgiving.  
  
It is very hard on her and her kids, harder than for the rest of us.  
  
She's spending the weekend with her great-aunt and parents in Long Island.  
  
"Maybe next year.. when things heal some.. " Sarah says and I know what she means.  
  
Without Matt. I feel tears spurt into my eyes and close them briefly.  
  
"I know..."  
  
"I almost forgot the other day that Matt is gone...I was at the store and had just picked up a packet of the tuna Matt always...liked...I got to the checkout...and it j-just hit me...he's gone..." Sarah sobs a bit.  
  
"Yeah…I wake up and at first things seem normal..." I say, tears still in my eyes. "Then it smacks me...bam..." We're silent and crying softly a minute.  
  
"Shana and Heather have also been great..." Sarah adds softly. "Especially Shana since she's been through something similar...her husband died of cardiomyopathy...she's been there..."  
  
"I'm glad to hear that..."  
  
"Simon...are you going to your mom's today?"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"Well...good luck...and let's make plans to see each other soon...the kids want to see you again..."  
  
"I want to see them again...and you also," I say. "No matter what, Sarah, you'll always be my family...always my sister-in-law..."  
  
We talk a bit more before hanging up.  
  
Right after we hang up, Lucy calls.  
  
"Hi, Luce..." I say.  
  
"Simon...you picked up for a change...you are coming down today, right?" Lucy demands.  
  
"Sure..."  
  
"I hope so...with Matt gone, Mom and Dad really could use all the family they can get...and Mary's coming, which means Mom's going to be fawning all over her, so I could use some support...and besides Kevin's mother is coming in an hour..."

She makes the phrase _Kevin's_ _mother_ sound like some character from the black lagoon.  
  
"I'll be there...how's everyone doing...coping with Matt...being gone?" I ask.  
  
"Mom cries on and off and Dad mutters things about regrets with how he handled Matt growing up and looks like a great stone face," Lucy tells me.  
  
"Ruthie's not speaking to me and she and the twins fight almost all the time...thank God for Martin and me...without me, this whole house would just fall apart...Martin's been helping me with the stuff and with Savannah around the house...Simon, I really wish you'd try to get along with Martin...he's a great guy..."  
  
"Is he going to be there?" I ask, afraid of the answer.  
  
"Yes," Lucy says almost coldly. "And show up and try to be civil..."  
  
I can't stifle a small groan.  
  
"Simon!" Lucy snaps. "I said, try to be civil...I know you and Martin don't see eye to eye on things, but just...don't start trouble today...not when we're still in mourning over Matt...and Martin is going through a lot also...you know Sandy's left him and taken his boys...I heard she's staying with your dreadful ex-fiancée Rose...he was hoping they could work things out, but he just told me that Sandy's filed for divorce and custody of the boys...just don't take the bait if he says something you don't like...and I'll tell him to be civil to you...although he usually tries to be..."  
  
"Sure, Luce..." I mutter.  
  
I really don't feel like discussing Martin or listening to her extol Martin's virtues, so I ask her if she needs me to pick up anything at the store on the way over.  
  
"What?" she says.  
  
Closing my eyes briefly, I try to take a calming breath.  
  
I feel a hint of a headache coming on and pray it won't become full-blown before the morning's over. I'll need to take some ibuprofen.  
  
"What?" she demands again.  
  
"Do you need me to pick up anything for dinner on the way?" I ask patiently. "From the store?"  
  
"No..." Lucy tells me. "Dad, Martin, Mom, and I have everything under control here, so just bring yourself...but please...leave the long faces at home...we're all upset over Matt, but we're trying to keep the holiday cheerful for the kids' sakes...they don't need you acting miserable and brooding around..."  
  
I wonder just how in Heaven's name this holiday without Matt is going to be "cheerful."  
  
I guess Lucy has delusions that her ministry position has given her the Godlike power to erase the fact that Matt is dead.  
  
"Hey, Lucy, is that Simon?" I hear Sam holler.  
  
"Yes, so don't interrupt me," Lucy snaps.  
  
"Is he still crying over Matt?"  
  
"No, so get lost...he's coming for dinner," Lucy tells him. She comes back to me. "So, when are you coming?"  
  
"In time for dinner...that's still around four, isn't it?"  
  
"You're just coming at four for dinner?" Lucy sighs.  
  
"I have some things to do here...but I'll try to be over sometime before dinner...maybe three or so..."  
  
After we hang up, I call each of the Hamilton siblings and wish them a peaceful Thanksgiving, then call Sean...my birth dad to thank him and his family for the wonderful sympathy cards they sent me.  
  
It's so good hearing his and Gena's voices.  
  
"The other kids are here...Mike...Linda...Erin...do you want to speak to them?"  
  
My other half-siblings. "Yes.. sure...are they there?"  
  
"Yes, dear..." I hear footsteps and voices, a bit excited. "Our brother..." "...really there..."  
  
"Hiiii, Simon!" Three voices come on speaker.  
  
"Hello..." I say, tears filling my eyes. "I w-want...to thank you for the great cards you all sent...they mean a lot..."  
  
"You're welcome...we are so sorry about your brother...Matt..." Micheal says. "Mom talked to him and Sarah briefly...he sounded like a swell guy..."  
  
"How're you holding up?" I think it's Linda talking now.  
  
"Some days are better than others…it's hard...it's unreal that the holiday comes anyway..."  
  
"I can imagine..." I think it's Erin now talking.  
  
My spirits rise slightly for the first time since Matt's death.  
  
My heart is still heavy and will be for a long time, but this pain is easier to bear knowing that I am not alone in missing Matt.  
  
I do hope I and others can offer the same support to Sarah.  
  
We talk a while more and I find out that they are spending today through Saturday at their parents' house in New Hampshire.  
  
"We'd love to have you over here one day, Simon," Sean tells me.  
  
"I'd love to meet all of you...I hope I can soon..." I think briefly of the two New York job leads, but don't say anything yet.  
  
I'm not saying anything definite out loud to anyone until I have landed a permanent job.  
  
I also call Rose and she tells me that yes, Sandy and her sons are staying with her for now.  
  
"I'm glad to hear that..." I say. "She and Martin were never happy...how've you been?"  
  
It's actually good talking to Rose again. I find out that she, her daughter, Sandy and the boys are heading to Umberto's mom's place for Thanksgiving.  
  
I've taken a shower and am getting ready to head to Glenoak early that afternoon when Nigel calls back.  
  
"Hey, Sime...how long are you going to be at your mom's?" he asks.  
  
"Just for dinner..." I tell him as I get into the car. "I'm coming back tonight...are you at your parents' now...?"  
  
"Yeah...but Lynn, Meredith, and I were talking...would you like to come over to Frisco on Friday and spend the weekend at my place?"  
  
"Sure..." I agree. It's been so long since I've been to San Francisco...not since last summer.  
  
"We can eat Thanksgiving scraps and eat out also...I've invited my siblings and the Davises and Cecilia...and we'd love to have you..."  
  
"Thanks...I'd love to see the gang again..."  
  
"Nooo, not those!" I hear Mom shriek as I step in the front door. "Those are for after the turkey!"  
  
Sam and David are plastered in front of the television where a football game is blaring from  
  
"Hi, guys..." I greet. Sam looks at me and kind of laughs, then nudges David.  
  
David regards me briefly and blankly, then both turn back to the game.  
  
"Mommy, Grandma...Uncle Simon's here!" Savannah calls as she runs down the stairs to greet me.  
  
I put my arms out and let her dive into them and mock-grunt.  
  
"Hello, Savannah...you're getting to be a big girl," I ruffle her fine hair.  
  
"Hello, Simon..." Lucy calls from the kitchen.  
  
"Siiimon..." Mom comes out of the kitchen and gives me a hug also.  
  
Hugging her back, I still feel very confused about her.  
  
"Hi, Mom..." I manage to say, despite a lump forming in my throat.  
  
Through slightly blurred vision, I see "Dad" come out of his office. I let him hug me.  
  
"Hi, Dad..." I feel tears in my eyes and try to blink them back.  
  
"Are you still sad. Simon?" Savannah asks, stroking my arm.  
  
"Yeah...I miss your uncle Matt very much...he was very special...Aunt Sarah misses him also..."  
  
"I'm glad you made it...despite everything..." Eric says. "Hey, Sam...David...Ruthie...Simon's here!"  
  
"We know..." Sam calls. Neither David or Ruthie answer "Dad."  
  
The table is mostly set and I can smell turkey and a potpourri of other food.  
  
I still don't have much of an appetite, but will try to eat something.  
  
"Simon...you're here..." Martin says from the dining room door.  
  
"Yes, I am...hello, Martin," I say in an attempt to be civil.  
  
Martin nods coldly and turns back into the kitchen. He and Lucy whisper among themselves.  
  
"Simon...you made it," Mary comes in also.  
  
"Oh, hi, Mary..." I say.  
  
"Still mooning over Matt?"  
  
"I guess so..." I know she and Matt were not on good terms, but I'd think she'd show a little respect.  
  
"I wanted to make the funeral...but post office hours..." Mary wanders upstairs.  
  
I see Kaylee toddling toward the kitchen.  
  
"Hi, Kaylee…remember me?" I greet her.  
  
She peers at me with large green eyes, then smiles a little. "It's your Uncle Simon...your mommy's brother..."  
  
She's so cute. I idly wonder where Ruthie is, but figure she's upstairs.  
  
"Ready for lots of turkey and goodies?" I ask her.  
  
She grins and nods. Then she toddles over and gives me a hug.  
  
I stoop and hold her for a long minute, just savoring her sweet, warm babyness.  
  
If only Ruthie had been older and more mature when she had her...Kaylee's such a sweet kid who deserves better.  
  
I briefly fantasize that she's mine...I want to be a dad someday...I hope I can make a good one...and I won't lie to them for years either...I'll make sure they attend a good school...have lots of love...  
  
"...let's not bring it up again!" Lucy's voice explodes into my consciousness as she and Ms. Kinkirk and the others spill back into the dining room.  
  
"Savannah does not, does not need to be exposed to all the drugs, pre-marital sex, and immorality that goes on in those schools!"  
  
Kaylee toddles toward them and I reluctantly stand. "You must be Simon," Ms. Kinkirk says.  
  
"Yes...pleased to meet you Ms. Kinkirk," I shake her hand.  
  
She's a rather small woman who has black hair turning gray, but Kevin's facial features.  
  
Mom and Lucy at least let me help carry in the dishes from the kitchen. All of us then sit...except Ruthie, Rick, Sam, and David.  
  
"I'll get Ruthie..." Dad says, heading upstairs.  
  
"I'll get the boys..." Mom mutters, looking annoyed.  
  
She disappears into the living room and I hear them arguing.  
  
There's slight thunk and David shrieks something about his brother doing something.  
  
"Boys, that's just about ENOUGH!" I hear Mom shout. "I'd think you'd show some appreciation for our family and for some of your relatives coming all this way! Now turn off that TV and come eat!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, Mother..." I hear Sam snark.  
  
"SAMUEL!" Mom bellows.  
  
Somehow she gets them to join us. They do so very sullenly.  
  
David's seat is next to me and he scowls at me, not wanting to sit next to me. Sam laughs.  
  
"Do I have to sit here?" David groans.  
  
"Yeah..." Sam keeps laughing and starts to grab the sweet potatoes. "Right next to mopey Uncle Simon and his bashed-in nose...but is he really our uncle?"  
  
Sam laughs harder at his idea of a joke. He's the only one who's laughing.  
  
"Sam...no eating until everyone's here and we say grace!" Lucy snaps.  
  
"But Ruthie's going to take a year to get herself down here and I'm starved!" Sam protests.  
  
He continues to serve himself and spills nearly half of the potatoes on the tablecloth.  
  
"Samuel Camden, do you want to go to your room for the rest of Thanksgiving and not eat at all?" Mom asks.  
  
Sam pauses a minute, then sulkily says, "No..." and puts down the sweet potato dish as Ruthie and Eric enter the dining room.  
  
With a gusty sigh, Mom takes a napkin and tries to wipe up the mess Sam made, but without much success.  
  
The dark orange stains even seem to spread.  
  
Ruthie groans. "Do I have to sit there?" It's next to Lucy.  
  
"Yes." Mom gives her a nasty glare.  
  
Ruthie glares back and I wonder if she will argue.  
  
"Sit." Eric points sharply. "And we will all be thankful for having family to sit next to, even if we don't like them at the present time..." he progresses from this little lecture on family appreciation into the grace.  
  
"AAAAAMENNNN!" Sam practically interrupts "Dad" and grabs the sweet potato dish and once again, shovels it onto his plate.  
  
"Sam, leave some for the rest of us!" Lucy snaps.  
  
"Sure..." Sam shoves it across the table and it nearly tumbles into Ruthie and Lucy's laps.  
  
"What a pig..." Ruthie mutters, glowering at Sam.  
  
"Heeeyyy, I waaanted some!" David whines. "Mom, tell Sam to pass the stuff to meee!"  
  
I try not to make a sound as I silently serve myself turkey and string beans. I am not hungry, but I will try to eat something.  
  
Mom tells Sam in a weary voice to pass things to David.  
  
He does, but ends up dumping half of it on David's lap.  
  
No one really argues out loud; everyone except me makes polite small talk, the little passive-aggressive wars goes on around the table.  
  
Sam is "accidentally" dropping food on David; David is chewing loudly in Sam's direction.  
  
Ruthie shoves at Lucy's plate a few times and at one point, "accidentally" tips over apple juice on Lucy's ruffled pink blouse.  
  
"RUTHIE!" Lucy shrieks, jumping up. "You ruined my best holiday blouse!"  
  
"Sorry..." Ruthie mutters, although I can see she's not sorry at all.  
  
Sam and Mary laugh.  
  
"It's not funny!" Lucy scowls at them, her face turning red.  
  
She stamps into the kitchen and I hear water blasting.  
  
Martin gets up to join her. Ruthie gives him a dirty look.  
  
Mom and "Dad" occasionally give each other accusing looks.  
  
I also noticed that they've spoken to each other very little.  
  
"I no fee gooo..." Rick moans from his booster chair. I hope he's not getting sick.  
  
Mary makes some excuse to head over to the kitchen.  
  
She says something sarcastic and Lucy snaps back at her, "Martin and I are taking this slow, so butt out and don't announce it to the world!"  
  
"I feee siiii..." Rick's holding his stomach.  
  
"Mommy will be back in a minute..." Mom says, reaching way over to stroke Rick's hair.  
  
I notice he looks pale and fear he will vomit.  
  
"Mom..." I whisper. "Should I...?" I start to stand to get Lucy.  
  
"Is he...?" Ms. Kinkirk asks.  
  
"I'm sure she'll be back..." Mom says. Mary comes back and sits again, smirking.  
  
"I think Lucy and Martin are becoming an item, so Mom...Dad, you'll be happy to know that Martin's sticking around..."  
  
"That jerk..." Ruthie mutters. She slams her juice glass down.  
  
"Why can't Lucy keep her dirty paws off other girls' boyfriends and husbands?" she wails.  
  
"Same reason you couldn't," Mary tells Ruthie. "You're reaping what you've sowed...and another illegitimate member of this clan as if Kaylee and Simon aren't enough..."  
  
"Mary!" Dad says sternly.  
  
"I wish you people wouldn't use that term on human beings," I say.  
  
"Why not...it's true," Mary insists.  
  
"No, all of us are legitimate because we're born..." I say quietly.  
  
"It's a nice sentiment, Simon, but it doesn't give us the license for immorality..." Lucy says as she and Martin have returned and are sitting.  
  
"Well, I think it's immoral to label human beings as 'illegitimate' because their parents aren't married..."  
  
"Really, Simon, I know these past few weeks have been upsetting for you, but let's not go back on those old arguments again like we did when you first started having pre-marital sex back in college...and not in front of the kids..."  
  
"Fine..." I mutter, not wanting to get into an argument at the table and create more tension than there already is.  
  
"Lucy should talk..." Ruthie snarls.  
  
"Martin and I are NOT sleeping together or having sex, so shut up, Ruthie!" Lucy snaps, then stabs her turkey piece so hard it flies across the room and lands in Sam's juice glass with a splash.  
  
Some of it splashes on Sam and David.  
  
"HEYYY!" Sam yells and flings his juice and turkey piece back at Lucy, who ducks and shrieks.  
  
It splats on Martin and Ruthie. Mary and David laugh.  
  
"You absolute BRATS!" Ruthie screams and Martin scowls at them.  
  
"SAM!" Dad bellows. "Go upstairs to your room right now!"  
  
"But Lucy threw..."  
  
"You heard your father...upstairs!" Mom points.  
  
"I always get blamed for everything...and for everybody else's crap..." Sam stands so fast he knocks the chair over backwards and storms upstairs, smacking David on the head as he goes.  
  
Rick starts to cry and Savannah's eyes fill with tears. I reach over for Savannah's hand.  
  
Ms. Kinkirk gets up and holds Rick a minute.  
  
Kaylee is shivering slightly and I fear she is about to cry also.  
  
My own hand is trembling and I fight to steady it.  
  
"Grandma...Grandpa...why does Sam act like that?" Savannah asks.  
  
"Like what, honey?" Mom asks.  
  
"Always calling everybody names and yelling at us...and he laughs at Uncle Simon all the time...and now Uncle Simon's sad..."  
  
"Well, we've been through a rough couple of weeks," Eric tells her. "Sam's going through a bad time..."  
  
"And why do Aunt Ruthie and Mommy yell at each other all the time?" Savannah asks and my heart goes out to her. "I bet in school, everybody doesn't act like this..."  
  
"A good reason to have her there..." Ms. Kinkirk tells Lucy.  
  
"Just butt out..." Lucy snaps. "Savannah, things are bad in schools...it's not safe there..."  
  
"And you like being with Grandma, don't you, sweetheart?" Mom adds, getting up and ruffling Savannah's hair.  
  
"Yes..."  
  
"So why go and spend all day surrounded by strangers who don't care for you the way your family can?" Martin puts his two cents' worth in. "And risk having terrible things that make you messed up...depressed..."  
  
Martin kind of gestures and I realize that he's gesturing toward me, implying that I am one of those "messed up" people who went to the alleged "horrors" of a normal education.  
  
"Yeah, Martin, why go and be exposed to the great big world out there?" I say, picking up a few dishes and helping Dad and Ms. Kinkirk carry them to the kitchen.  
  
I come back and add, "Why learn to think and why meet a variety of people? No, stay in the narrow world of your house, so we can marry and have kids too young, marry somebody they don't love and cheat on them..."  
  
"Simon, that's enough..." Martin snarls, his lip curling.  
  
He turns and glares at me and I glare back.  
  
"Gentlemen..." Eric says, approaching us. "The two of you need to stop this silliness..."  
  
"Simon needs to grow up..." Martin starts indignantly, his pale blue eyes flashing.  
  
Just ignoring him, I slip past, carrying the rest of the things to the kitchen.  
  
"See how he just stirs up trouble, then pulls his vanishing act...he does this and doesn't want to face the consequences..." Martin complains on.  
  
My headache is coming back, slowly throbbing around my head.  
  
I'd managed to eat some of the turkey and some mashed potatoes.  
  
Mom is trying to wheedle us into desert, but I don't think I can take another half hour at all.  
  
I'm also worried about Savannah, Rick, and Kaylee and want to get back home to peace and quiet to think about it.  
  
"Mom...Dad...everyone, thanks for the great dinner...I'm heading back home, so..."  
  
"Simon, don't go so soon!" Mom says, holding my arm as if she's afraid I'll vanish right on the spot. "We haven't even had dessert yet..."  
  
"I'm sure it's delicious, but I'm stuffed, " I say.  
  
"But you hardly ate..." Mom says, her eyes narrowing slightly as if she's suspicious.  
  
"I...just didn't have much of an appetite today, Mom," I say weakly.  
  
"Are you still upset...these past few weeks have been hard on all of us, honey, and I know you're still upset with your dad and me, but it's Thanksgiving...let's put all grudges aside...surely you can tolerate us for a few more hours..."  
  
I shrug and stare at her and the man I thought of as Dad for a long minute.  
  
"I guess a bit...a few more minutes...I can't eat anymore...but..."  
  
I do stay for almost a half hour more...Sam, thank goodness stays upstairs.  
  
Mom takes Kaylee and Rick up to sleep and I lean over and kiss them goodnight.  
  
Martin and Lucy sit close and whisper, and at one point, kiss and Ruthie gives them one last filthy scowl and gets up so fast she knocks her chair over backwards and storms upstairs past Mom, who looks at her, amazingly clueless.  
  
David reaches over and finishes off the last half of Ruthie's pumpkin pie.  
  
He's sitting in Mom's seat and is not happy about surrendering it.  
  
He gives me a dirty look, then starts to move toward Ruthie's empty chair, which is next to Savannah's.  
  
Savannah, not happy about having David next to her, comes over and sits by me, I put an arm around her and pull her close, wishing I could protect her from this family's mess.   
  
I'm having a hard time even protecting myself.  
  
Lucy gives me a dirty look from across the table and I try to ignore it.  
  
Ms. Kinkirk is small-talking with "Dad" as she drinks her coffee, then she and I get a chance to talk some.  
  
I tell her about college and about my budding film director career.  
  
For Mom and "Dad's" benefit, I leave out that I haven't found anything permanent.  
  
"So, Simon...when does this job start...or has it started...?" Dad asks. "And where will it be?"  
  
"I'm not sure yet...but New York is one possibility," I tell him.  
  
"New York...?" Mom says, her eyes widening. "You're moving east?"  
  
"Possibly..." I say.  
  
Mom and "Dad" exchange looks. "So when were you going to tell us about this possibility?" Dad asks.  
  
"Tonight...now..." I say.  
  
"You know, Dad could have found you something here so you wouldn't have to make this big move across the country..." Lucy puts in.  
  
"I know...and as I discussed with Mom...and Dad, I want to do this on my own...I need to..." I say.  
  
I know Mom and "Dad" are not happy about this and I'm sorry about it, but they're going to have to accept this.  
  
"He's right, you know..." Ms. Kinkirk says.  
  
Mom's eyes get that appalled glare, but Ms. Kinkirk is able to ignore it and add, "He needs to look back on this as an opportunity he built on his own, not anyone handing him the job...just like my own three made sure they landed their job appointments on their own..."  
  
"Yeah, and Kevin felt free to run out on me, thanks to your hands-off parenting," Lucy mutters.  
  
"I am sure it was more than this that led to whatever marital issues you and Kevin had."  
  
"Can we not discuss Kevin over the table?" Lucy snaps. "At least he backs me up in schooling my kids, which is more than I can say for you...Savannah, it's almost your bedtime, so we're going up..."  
  
"Bye, sweetie..." I hug my niece one last time.  
  
"Bye, Uncle Simon...good luck in New York..." She reluctantly leaves and goes with her mother upstairs.  
  
Feeling an ache in my chest, I wonder if she realizes how far New York is from here.  
  
I do plan to try to keep in touch with her, though.  
  
I don't know how with Lucy hovering over her, but I'll think of something.  
  
"Mom...Dad...everyone...I'm going, so goodnight..."  
  
I stand and give Ms. Kinkirk a hug. She hugs back and gets up also.  
  
"Simon, are you sure you don't want to spend the night?" Eric tries to wheedle, but I shake my head no.  
  
"Things to do early tomorrow," I say.  
  
Mom also tries to get me to stay overnight, but I manage to hold firm and leave.  
  
"You seem so eager to get away from us," Mom sighs. "We're still your family, you know...there's no need to shun us..."  
  
"Goodnight, Mom," I say quietly as I leave.  
  
I really don't know what else to say to her and Eric these days.  
  
Besides, I am worried about greater problems right about now that Mom and "Dad" should also be concerned about...like the kids and their environment.  
  
As I'm walking out to my car, Ms. Kinkirk also is leaving.  
  
"Simon...are you as worried about those kids as I am?"  
  
She comes over to me. Nodding, I feel tears glisten in my eyes.  
  
"Me too..." Ms. Kinkirk says. "I know Savannah needs to be in school...and Kaylee and Rick aren't in a healthy environment..."  
  
So someone else besides me has seen this firsthand and is not blinded by Mom or Dad's lies or Lucy or Martin's phony facades.  
  
Somebody besides me sees through their grand words of "morality" and "values" and how those words are not matching their actions.  
  
"Whenever I call over there, Ms. Kinkirk, I usually hear someone fighting and screaming...and I'm worried about how it'll affect the kids...and Lucy has Savannah practically under lock and key..is Kevin any better?"  
  
"I wish I could tell you something differently..." Ms. Kinkirk says somberly. "Kevin's seeing her this weekend...but he backs Lucy on keeping my granddaughter isolated...they rarely let me see her as it is..."  
  
"Grandparents' rights..." I whisper.  
  
"Grandparents...what was that, dear?"  
  
"What about...I've heard of some places...organizations that help grandparents fight for the right to see their grandchildren...maybe you could insist on your right to see Savannah and Rick...then they wouldn't be so isolated..."  
  
"That's an idea..." She leans on my car and we stand in silent thought for a few minutes. It's nippy and dark out.  
  
Upstairs, I see Lucy peering out a window.  
  
"Listen...Lucy's watching us now, so let's keep in touch and see what we come up with..." I say.  
  
We exchange e-mails and phone numbers and I tell her where I am living now, then we part ways, promising to talk further about this.  
  
Maybe with a little luck, Ms. Kinkirk and I are not completely powerless over our own relatives' kids.


	11. Chapter 11

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**  
  
By: CNJ  
  
PG-13  
  
**11**

"So with the more rapid growth of the new trees and bushes, the earth's greenhouse effect can be reversed more quickly," Natalia tells us on Friday night.

  
We are all over at Nigel's apartment in San Francisco...by all of us, I mean the four Hamilton siblings, Priscilla, Natalia, Cecilia and the four Davis siblings.  
  
Natalia is an environmental scientist, so one of her topics of interest is reversing global warming.  
  
"What about humidity?" Cecilia asks.  
  
"That too," Natalia takes a sip of her beer.  
  
We're winding down on a dinner of Thanksgiving leftovers.  
  
The Hamiltons brought back a ton of leftover turkey and other food and now we're eating it.  
  
It's so good seeing all of them again...my stomach's relaxed considerably today.  
  
Unlike with my own Glen Oak family, I am not wary or nervously wondering when the next drama or blowup will be.  
  
Here I don't live in fear of accusations or attacks. It's safe here.  
  
"That should make people back east happier..." Nigel puts in.  
  
"Why the east...?" Meredith asks.  
  
"It's more humid there," Lynn replies. "Remember how humid it was that one summer, Nigel...you and I went to New York?"  
  
"Yeah...it felt like a steam bath," Nigel helps himself to more turkey. "Here we don't have that humidity...lower altitude on the east coast..."  
  
"Sarah knows all about it..." I add. "Probably Heather and Shana..."  
  
They've told me that Washington summers are almost as humid as New York summers.  
  
I feel a pang thinking about Sarah...and Matt.  
  
The Hamiltons and the Davises as well as Cecilia have been great tonight...we kind of said a short memorial prayer for Matt before we started eating this dinner.  
  
John and my eyes meet in a silent fleeting thought of how we both miss Matt.  
  
"It's the humidity that traps the heat," Keesha puts in.  
  
"Speaking of trapping heat..." John pours himself more wine. "Simon...think Ms. Kinkirk will be able to wake up your folks and sister into putting your niece in school and possibly Sam and David?"  
  
"I really don't know..." I say softly. I've told them about what is going on and about Thanksgiving day over there.  
  
"Perhaps she could talk to Sergeant Micheals...remember him?" Cecilia smoothes her gold hair.  
  
I nod. He's a detective on the Glen Oak police force and knew my family for a very long time.  
  
"There is a law mandating that police officers have to report unhealthy domestic situations to social services," Christina says.  
  
"Whoa, wait..." I say in alarm. "I...I don't want Savannah and Rick to end up in..." I clear my throat.  
  
"Foster care like we were?" Jamie puts in.  
  
"Yeah..." I conclude. "I just want to see them be able to have a normal...happy family life...and be in school and with friends their own age...like us..."  
  
"I know..." Lynn puts in. "Mom and Dad always told us kids that having that support group of friends is important...when the chips are down, that group will be there...and it starts young..."  
  
"School certainly teaches us more than just math, reading, and all," John says. "There are lots of life lessons we can't get at home alone…parents can teach a lot of things, but not everything…"  
  
"So...they're not even in daycare...pre-school or anything outside of their house?" Natalia asks.  
  
"No..." I say.  
  
I'm dismayed to think it over and realize that other than occasional visits from Mary and me, basically Savannah, Rick, and Kaylee have only Mom, Eric, Lucy, Ruthie, and Martin in their lives...no other kids, not even anyone their own age.   
  
"And especially Savannah needs other girls her age to play with," I add.  
  
"Maybe Sergeant Micheals and Ms Kinkirk...if they have to involve social services can find some way to keep the three kids together...and you could visit them," Meredith suggests. "They can petition social services not to separate them if Ms. Kinkirk can't take all three of them in..."  
  
"I wish either Aunt Julie or Uncle Hank could take them in if it comes to that," I say sadly. "But I don't think social services is willing to relocate them that far...and anyway, it's unlikely they'll be really taken out of that house because there's no outward abuse going on..."  
  
"There is psychological abuse...and educational neglect going on," Lynn says. "Haven't you mentioned that there's often yelling going on when you call there...surely that can't be healthy for any of the kids, not to mention being isolated from normal peer contact."  
  
"I know..." My throat tightens. "But it's hard to prove...I can't prove any outward abuse...I can't get anyone there to really tell me what's going on…as it is, my mom, Lucy, Ruthie, Dad, and Martin don't trust me...Lucy always keeps guard over Savannah especially if I'm there...she acts like I'll taint Savannah or something..."  
  
Shaking my head, I fight back tears.  
  
Nigel reaches over and touches my hand.  
  
We're quiet a minute as we finish most of the food.  
  
"I'm sure all of us can figure out something..." he says softly. "I get the feeling Ms. Kinkirk's a smart lady and with Sergeant Micheals to help...who knows..."  
  
After we take the remains of dinner to the sink and put the food left in the refrigerator, we congregate in the living room for a few rounds of Uno and talk more about all different things.  
  
It is there that Keesha and Natalia have news...they are adopting two little girls from China in the coming month.  
  
"Congratulations!" "Swell!" "It's girls!"  
  
The rest of us cheer them on and the cards scatter as we reach over and give them hugs.  
  
"You two will make great moms," Lynn says, her eyes shining. Nigel and I nod.  
  
My heart lifts for the first time in a long time.  
  
I'm glad for them...they deserve this break...and it's high time we got good news among us.  
  
"We should go out tomorrow and celebrate!" John crows.  
  
The next night we go out to an Italian restaurant.  
  
The entire city is decorated for Christmas and Hanukkah.  
  
There are little Christmas trees all around the restaurant and lots of people have bundles of stuffed bags with them. Holiday shopping, I think as we sit.  
  
It's going to be a very strange holiday this year...I get the feeling that Thanksgiving was just the beginning...Matt not being with us is just part of it also.  
  
"To Matt..." John says softly once we get our drinks.  
  
"To Matt..." we all add, clicking our glasses and sipping.  
  
As we order our food and talk amongst ourselves, my mind wanders back to when Grandma Jenny died way back when I was ten...I hardly remember Grandma Jenny, but I remember feeling scared.  
  
Mom and "Dad" told us that she'd gone to heaven and to my ten-year-old mind, heaven was this mysterious place up in space or something...so I went around asking people where heaven was and no one could give me any real answers...I remember feeling scared at realizing that Grandma Jenny seemed to disappear into this strange place and fearing that other people I loved would go there also.  
  
I remember Mom crying a lot and feeling afraid for her also.  
  
I feel a sadness in the pit of my stomach thinking back to how I just trusted my mom...I'd brought some food up to her to cheer her up and she'd thanked me and we'd talked.  
  
I'd felt her love then and I remember feeling a huge rush and love and sympathy for her.  
  
I still love Mom so much...yet I feel like I lost her also just as surely as I lost Matt...I guess I felt I was losing her whenever she turned on me and seemed to withdraw her love.  
  
It hurts me that I feel as if her love was not constant, but seemed to ebb and flow...back and forth, confusing and frightening me.  
  
As I watch the Hamilton siblings, Lynn even tells a funny story of their mom shooing them off the cookie racks on Thanksgiving day so she could get the cookies together and bring them in after the main dinner.  
  
I feel a trace of envy that the four of them are just so sure of Patricia's constant love for them...even when they sometimes got into trouble like all kids do, I don't remember even hearing of or seeing Ms. Hamilton withdraw from them like Mom has from us...and Nigel has told me of times when the four of them had gotten into boatloads of mischief growing up and how their parents knew how to scold them big time.  
  
I sadly wish my own relationship with Mom and even "Dad" was not so complicated.  
  
I can't even talk to them about things most other young people can at least discuss with their parents, even if they don't agree.  
  
Much of our conversation is about our memories of Matt.  
  
"...So I was trying to tell him that maybe this girl wasn't into him..." John is saying. "Matt, though, always had to test things...find out directly...he later comes back and tells me that she was legally blind."  
  
"You mean the hard way," Keesha smiles softly. "Matt kind of held all of us together when our church was burned down."  
  
"He still worried about us kids even after he moved out," I add. "That time Mary got into that gym vandalism mess and I got in trouble with Mom for giving that finger, Matt almost moved back in with us."  
  
"Thank God he changed his mind about that," Nigel spears a tortellini bite. "Or you would have gotten stuck with that fist-thunker hulk as a roommate, John."  
  
"Matt was always one of those who came back to reality in the end," Lynn says.  
  
As we talk and eat, lots of images go through my mind...it's going to be a very strange Christmas this year...and for Sarah and the kids, a strange Hanukkah.  
  
"I hope this year's holidays aren't too hard for Sarah and their kids..." I say softly.  
  
Fortunately, I have a fairly peaceful rest of the weekend and don't return home until early Sunday evening.  
  
A week-long temp assignment starts for me the following day, so I get ready to go to sleep early.  
  
I call Sarah and Ms. Kinkirk. It was a sad, but peaceful holiday for Sarah and her kids and parents...lots of crying of course and Sarah says she couldn't eat much...but being around her family helped ease the weekend.  
  
I call Ms. Kinkirk with my suggestion that Sergeant Micheals might be good to talk to about the three kids back in Glen Oak...two of them her grandkids and also my nieces and nephews.  
  
"I don't know if he'll remember me, but I think he'll remember you," Ms. Kinkirk tells me. So I agree to call.  
  
It's Tuesday during my afternoon break from my temp assignment before I get a chance to make that call.  
  
"Simon!" his familiar voice booms over my cell. "Good to hear your voice again...and let me offer my condolences on the loss of Matt."  
  
"Thanks..." I say.  
  
"So...what can I do for you?" he asks.  
  
"It's about a sort of legal and emotional problem that's going on in my family that has me worried about my nieces and nephew," I tell him.  
  
"Oh?" He waits for me to elaborate, so I do...about the kids and that Lucy and Eric are home schooling them, but they need to be out among others their own age.  
  
I also tell him about the frequent yelling whenever I call there.  
  
"I see..." Sergeant Micheals muses. "Well, Simon...I don't know what else to tell you other than unless they're breaking any laws, there's little we can do...your best bet is to contact a lawyer or school official and see what the home schooling laws are and make sure your family is complying with them."  
  
"I understand...so is there any way we can make their environment...less tense...less toxic?"  
  
"It's hard to do unless we can prove that abuse is going on...have you ever seen any mysterious injuries...or have any of the kids told you about any violence going on...either at them or anyone else?"  
  
Unfortunately, I have to say no.  
  
"So, otherwise, there's little we can do at this point...but Ms. Kinkirk can petition for her rights as a grandparent so she can stay in touch with and visit her grandkids...that way they have contact with an extended family member..."  
  
Sergeant Micheals gives me the numbers of several grandparents' rights organizations and of some lawyers who specialize in grandparents' rights.  
  
"And Simon...tell Ms. Kinkirk hello and good luck...you also..."  
  
"Thanks, Sergeant...this helps..." I say before disconnecting.  
  
My break is almost over, so I have to go back to work.  
  
It's only after work that I can finally call Ms. Kinkirk.  
  
She's back in Buffalo, so I have to remember not to call her after six-thirty or so here since over there it's nine o clock.  
  
Fortunately, I manage to get her directly.  
  
I tell her what Sergeant Micheals has told me.  
  
I also give her the names and numbers Sergeant Micheals gave me.  
  
"Thanks, Simon...it's a long way, but I hope I can get visiting rights and show my grandchildren some normalcy..."  
  
As we're talking, I remember that Rose's mom is a lawyer.  
  
I don't think her specialty is family law, but perhaps she can point me to a family lawyer close to Glen Oak.  
  
"Ms. Kinkirk...I just remembered about Rose's mom..." I tell her a little bit about Ms. Taylor. "She'll be close to Glen Oak and she knows my family better than another lawyer just out of the blue...and maybe the one from your end can get in touch with her..."  
  
"Good idea..." Ms. Kinkirk seems to mull it over a minute. "Let's do this...I'll contact one of the numbers you gave me and you get in touch with Rose and see if you can talk to her mother...then we'll touch base again later in the week...let's call over the weekend and see what we've come up with and how we can proceed from there."  
  
"Good start," I agree.  
  
I am just getting into my car when we disconnect.  
  
Sitting, I turn the key, but there's nothing but a slight splutter...I try again, but get dead silence. Several more times.. nothing.  
  
"Shit..." I mutter.  
  
I suppose I knew this car would someday start breaking down since it is old, but it seems to have just died cold right here in the parking lot of work. Good thing it's just a short drive home.  
  
I reluctantly get out, gather my things, then call the towing company to haul it to the service station.  
  
Maybe with a last whiff of luck, it can be salvaged and run a few more months...at least until I get settled into a permanent job and have the money to replace the car.  
  
Until then, it's back to walking and taking buses and cabs.  
  
It's almost a half hour walk, but I am able to walk home from work.  
  
Other than my car, the week passes fairly quickly.  
  
I have to leave very early for the rest of this assignment, before it's even light out, so for part of the time, I'm walking in the dark, but there are streetlights all around, so the path is well-lit with lots of traffic.  
  
I get hold of Rose on Thursday once I get home.  
  
She tells me about her and Sandy's Thanksgiving and Sandy and I talk some also.  
  
"How did you survive with your family?" Sandy asks.  
  
"I did all right...I'm still sane..."  
  
"It's a good thing Rose's mom is a lawyer and is offering to represent me at a low fee...Martin tried to sue for custody of the boys this week..." Sandy tells me.  
  
"Oh, God," I say. "You fought back, I hope.. "  
  
"Yeah...thank God the judge saw that it was just a ruse to get me to go back...I think the judge will grant me custody...I'm never taking Martin back...you know he's seeing Lucy now..."  
  
"Yes, I can tell...Ruthie's not happy about it...I think she still wants him back and is furious with Lucy..." I say. "And my mom...and dad...are still fooled by his act..."  
  
"I figured..." Sandy muses.  
  
"Hey, San, did you tell him about what Sam hollered out the window when Martin and Lucy went out Saturday night?" Rose is back on the line.  
  
"No...what happened?" I ask, curiosity getting the better of me despite my better judgment.  
  
"I was at the store and was driving back...I happened to be heading past the Camden house...and I see Lucy and Martin heading out...they're all kissy and cuddly...the upstairs window opens and Sam sticks his head out and yells, _Bye_ , _you_ _lovers_... _don't_ _do_ _anything_ _one_ _of_ _the_ _old_ _church_ _ladies_ _wouldn't_ _do_...  
  
"Lucy looks up and is kind of annoyed...she tells Sam to shut up, the neighbors can hear him. Sam grins, ducks in briefly and with a tube device, shoots something out the window at them...it lands on Martin's shoulder.  
  
"Lucy screams...it was a condom. So she brushes it off and acts like it's some horrid roach or something.  
  
"She's screaming, _Martin_... _did_ _you_ SEE _what_ _my_ _brother_ _just_ _threw_ _at_ _us?_  
  
"Sam is sitting there laughing at her. Martin gets this disgusted look on his face.  
  
"He wonders if you'd by chance given it to Sam...so Lucy's making more noise than Sam and the next door neighbors come out and see what's going on.  
  
"They kind of laugh when the look and see that it's just a condom and the lady just picks it up and puts it into her purse and Lucy has this disgusted look on her face...she fairly shrieks, _Don't tell me you actually_ USE _those awful things!_  
  
"The couple looks at her and kind of laugh.  
  
"The lady says, _Actually, we did in our young days_. And they head back inside.  
  
"Lucy screams up that she's going to tell their mother, but by then Sam's ducked inside," Rose finishes.  
  
She and Sandy are laughing and I manage a weak laugh myself.  
  
It is the first time I've laughed since I've found out about my birth dad.  
  
"By then, a lot of the neighbors were out and watching Lucy carry on...she finally realized this and rushes Martin to his car and Martin speeds off," Rose adds. "So...did you really give Sam that rubber...or is it one of Lucy's speculations?"  
  
"Speculations," I tell her. "I never gave him that condom...as it is, Mom and Dad kill me enough as it is..."  
  
I hope Mom and "Dad" don't get wind of this and accuse me anyway.  
  
"I take it you avoided being seen by them."  
  
"Sure did...I paused way down the street and watched the Camden show," Rose confirms.  
  
I'm so glad I moved out of that house when I did.  
  
"So...anyway...my mom says she'll be able to finalize this divorce by Christmas..."  
  
"That's good..." I'm glad the days of long divorce proceedings are fading.  
  
I know some divorces are still long and messy, especially if the couple is fighting over money and property and all, but now divorce is easier.  
  
It's one thing kids don't need to be in...long court battles.  
  
"So, Simon...I get the feeling you wanted to ask something...about my mom and law?" Rose asks.  
  
"Oh...about Savannah, Rick, and Kaylee..."

I tell her about Ms. Kinkirk and how we are attempting to pull the kids out of this isolation and trying to bring some normalcy into their lives.  
  
"Wow...that's tough...those poor kids..." Rose says, her normally ringing and loud voice going quieter. "Let me call my mom and talk to her about Ms. Kinkirk's rights...she doesn't do family law, but maybe she can refer her to somebody...a colleague..."  
  
"Thanks..." I say.  
  
We chat a little bit more about mundane things and a little about Matt.  
  
"Tell Sarah and her kids to hang in there," Rose tells me before we hang up. "You also, Simon."  
  
Friday is the last day of the assignment.  
  
It's a quiet day and me and the other two temps bid each other happy holidays before we part.  
  
Walking home, I look around at the lights going up on the windows.

A menorah adorns one of the house lawns.

The wind is picking up again, causing me to wrap my jacket around myself. December weather, I think.  
  
Glen Oak would get cold, but not as windy as this this and unlike here, Glen Oak never got snow.  
  
Here we get snow, not much but some in January and February.  
  
I wonder if New York will get snow this year.  
  
I faintly remember some of my childhood visits to the Colonel and Grandma in Buffalo during holidays and there was often snow there for Christmas...Buffalo is much further north than New York City and of higher altitude.  
  
Matt had told me that only sometimes New York City would get snow…and other times they didn't.  
  
Once I get home, I eat. As I am washing and putting away my plate and glass, my cell rings.  
  
Mom and "Dad's" number appears I and wonder who of them is calling.  
  
I hope it is not Lucy calling with accusations of "corrupting" Sam with an "awful" condom.  
  
Instead, I am rather startled to hear Savannah's frightened voice and one of the babies crying.  
  
"Simon...Simon...are you there? Can you come over? I'm alone here with Sam and David...and Kaylee.. Mommy was screaming because Rick got sick or something and she and Grandma and Grandpa left the house...I don't know what's the matter with Rick...or why Mommy was screaming...Ruthie was here, but she left.. I think with Martin...I don't know it they went to have sek again or if they just went to the store...they didn't tell me or anybody where they were going or when they'd be back..."  
  
There's some crashing in the background and hear running footsteps. I scurry to pick up my cell and answer.  
  
"Savannah..." I say.  
  
"Uncle Simon!" Savannah says, her voice thin.  
  
Near her, one of the babies is crying and the crying is growing louder.  
  
"Oh, God...are you all right...what's going on?" My heart is pounding in fear.  
  
"Rick had a cold or something, but I think he got worse because Mommy started screaming and acting like Rick was dead or something...she was all crazy and running around and yelling for Grandma to help her...Grandma and Grandpa took her and Rick to the hospital and told Ruthie to watch us...but Ruthie left...she went someplace with Martin and didn't tell us where or when she'd be back..."  
  
I hear Sam yelling something in the background and another crash.  
  
"Owwwww, Sam!' David shrieks.  
  
"Then get off my comic books!" Sam screams. "Now look what you did, you ripped them...I'm gonna kill you, you stupid jerk!"  
  
"You said I could read them any time...I was with you when you bought them!" David yells back.  
  
"That was before I knew you were ripping and cutting them, you retarded moron!" Sam shouts.  
  
"Can you come over.. I'm scared...and I think one of them has Grandma's kitchen knife..." Savannah sounds on the verge of tears. "I'm in the kitchen cabinet, so they don't see me...I have Kaylee here and she's scared also..." So it's Kaylee who is crying.  
  
Swallowing, I think a minute.  
  
"Savannah...let me see what I can do...my car broke down this week, but..."  
  
I decide then to just take a cab if I have to and just charge it to my card.  
  
I have to make sure my nieces and nephew are safe.  
  
"...I can get a bus or cab...I'll try to get there as soon as I can...hang on, honey...can you hang on for a while?"  
  
She's silent a long minute and I fear that she's may be too frightened to speak.  
  
"Savannah?" My voice quavers.  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"I'm coming..." I tell her. Right before we disconnect, I hear a loud thud and one of the boys lets out a huge _AAAAAAAAAAAAH!_


	12. Chapter 12

Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other  
  
By: CNJ  
  
PG-13  
  
12

It takes two buses and a forty-dollar cab ride, but I make it to Glen Oak more quickly than I'd initially thought.

On the way, I call Detective Micheals, who then contacts the 911 division of the Glen Oak police department.  
  
I am so sorry it's come to where I have to call 911 on my own family, but I am not taking any chances with the safety of two innocent kids, possibly four.  
  
I have the cab driver drop me off about a block away from the Glen Oak house. The house appears quiet. Only a light seems to be on in the living room and in one of the upstairs bedrooms.  
  
As I approach quietly in a brisk pace, I also see a silent police car across the street from the house.  
  
I wonder if either Detective Micheals or any other police are there and what has happened since Savannah's call.  
  
Lifting my cell, I dial, but only get the voice mail, so I hang up without a word and just keep walking toward the house.  
  
As I walk, I see that many of the houses have Christmas lights...in fact, most of the houses on Alder Drive have some form of a holiday decoration...except Mom and "Dad's" house.  
  
Mom and "Dad" used to put the decorations and our tree up by the second week in December, sometimes right after Thanksgiving...and right now it is almost the end of the second week in December.  
  
In the yard of the house, I see little bits and pieces of things in the yard.  
  
In the dark, I strain to figure out what it is.  
  
It looks like clothing and torn papers all over the front lawn. I even see a broken chair by the porch.  
  
Peer at the lit window, I see no activity in either of the lit rooms.  
  
I stand for a long moment, fearful of what I'd find inside.  
  
I glance back at the police car, reassuring myself that possibly the police might have been able to avert anything horrible from happening.  
  
That hope in mind, I head up the front sidewalk toward the large porch.  
  
I am startled to hear something rustling in under the porch and freeze.  
  
I wonder if it's a stray animal, but instead a figure hurtles out from under the porch and almost runs into me.  
  
It's David and he lets out a shriek and dodges past me on down to the street.  
  
"David!" I cry.  
  
David ignores me and keeps tearing onward, down the street.  
  
His shirt is almost torn off and his pants and underwear are missing.  
  
I get another shock when a shadow that turns out to be Sam flings down off the porch roof, still holding Mom's knife.  
  
Sam lunges toward me and I step back in fear.  
  
Sam's mouth is wide open and he screams so suddenly, "GET BACK HERE, YOU STUPID IMBECILE!" in my face that I fart with an embarrassing pwwwit sound and fall over into the grass.  
  
Sam slows a bit when he sees me. "Oh...what are you doing here, dogface, besides farting on our lawn?" he demands.  
  
"Sam..." I squeak, struggling to stand. "Wh-what is...g-going on?"  
  
"W-whaaat is g-g-going on..." Sam mimics me nastily. "Why don't you stick around for a change and find out, especially since that nasty little creep David's been stealing from me!"  
  
Sam dashes off after David. I finally am able to stand, but my legs are so shaky I nearly lose my footing again.  
  
For second, I debate going after the boys, but decide that I should make sure Savannah and Kaylee are unharmed first.  
  
I run up and try the door. The front one is locked, so I must go around and try the back door.  
  
That door is unlocked. I open the door cautiously and slowly and come in, breathing hard and still shaking.  
  
No one's in the kitchen. The light from the living room reveals a huge mess in the kitchen...dishes, some of them broken are scattered all over the floor; silverware is also sprinkled among the dishes.  
  
Two of the cabinet doors are broken with loose wood splintering out and some bits of wood on the floor.  
  
The wall clock is also broken and dangling perilously by one hook; the fridge is open and pieces of meat have been dumped into a heap on the floor and some flung onto the countertop, which has several knife slashes in it.  
  
One of the kitchen lights is also broken. Walking slowly through the kitchen, I nearly trip over a loose tile and see that the linoleum is also cracked with several loose tiles.  
  
The twins did this? I wonder fearfully.  
  
"Savannah!" I call.  
  
"We're in here..." To my relief, it is Detective Micheals' voice coming from the living room.  
  
"Oh, Detective..." I wail, entering the living room.  
  
Tears of relief well in my eyes when I see him, another officer, who introduces herself as Sergeant Baxter and the kids on the living room couch.  
  
"Uncle Simon..." Savannah hops off the couch and I hold my arms out for a hug. We cling to each other for a long minute.  
  
"Oh, Savannah..." I tell her. "I'm so happy you and Kaylee are all right..." Savannah and I sit.  
  
"What happened?" I ask the police officers, who also are taking down notes.  
  
Sergeant Baxter lifts a camera and snaps an occasional picture.  
  
It is then that I also see that the living room window is broken and the coffee table is overturned also, the top broken.  
  
"We came and found the house like this and Savannah and Kaylee huddled in the kitchen closet," Sergeant Micheals tells me. "No one else has come back yet."  
  
It occurs to me that the officers don't know that Sam and David were just out in the yard, so I tell them about what I saw.  
  
"We heard some yelling out there, so I called the station for backup to investigate," Sergeant Baxter tells me.  
  
"You did the right thing by calling..." Micheals tells me.  
  
"Both of you..." he addresses both Savannah and me. "We've seen the kitchen...and have seen some damage to the upstairs bedrooms."  
  
Kaylee then toddles over to me and I give her a huge hug. "It's all right now…I'm here and these police people are here..." I whisper.  
  
She peers at me with huge eyes and I so wish I could take her and Savannah back home with me tonight and adopt them. But I know it's not possible.  
  
"No one's called?" I ask the officers. Both shake their heads.  
  
"Simon...we had to also call social services and leave a message with them...we don't know what will happen next, except that there will be questions asked...we've also called Karen Kinkirk and she told us she is catching the next plane out, so we shouldn't be surprised to see her here in a few hours," Micheals adds. I nod, sort of in a daze.  
  
"Are you going to find Aunt Ruthie too?" asks Savannah.  
  
"Yes, honey, we will...I am sure she will be back soon," Baxter tries to reassure her.  
  
The officers make another round about the house while I stay in the living room with the kids.  
  
"She went out with Martin again..." Savannah tells me. "Martin had this dark, square car and Ruthie went with him...she told us she and Martin broke up and she's going to have another baby, so why did she go out with him again? Did she lie?"  
  
I am momentarily at a loss of what to tell her about Ruthie's lies.  
  
My first instinct is to say that yes, Ruthie did lie again, but I really don't want to be telling my niece that her aunt lies.  
  
"Simon, did Aunt Ruthie lie again?" she asks me.  
  
"I don't know, sweetheart..." I fumble for an honest, yet not badmouthing explanation. "I think this baby is making her confused, so that might be why she's seeing Martin again...I think she and Martin aren't sure of how they feel about each other or the baby."  
  
"Do you get confused?" Savannah asks me. "Martin says that you lie and that you're...prommikuious..."  
  
"Lots of times," I tell her, silently cursing Martin out for badmouthing me to my niece. "I'm sometimes not sure of what to do also...but I do try not to hurt anyone else..."  
  
"Is Martin confused also? I think he is because he was having sek with Aunt Ruthie, then broke up with her and starting taking Mommy out a lot...and he and Mommy sometimes yell at each other...I heard them outside once when I was in bed...they'd come home and were yelling and Mommy came in and slammed the door and stamped to her room."  
  
"Wow..." I say.   
  
Martin and Lucy apparently aren't exactly in seventh heaven either.  
  
I'm tempted to tell her that this is because Martin is an asshole, but resist the temptation.  
  
I have no intention of sinking to Martin's level, especially in front of my nieces.  
  
"Do you know what kinds of things they fight about?" I ask.  
  
Savannah shrugs. "Just yelling...I don't think they are having sek because Mommy told Grandma and Grandpa that she isn't...and I know Grandma and Grandpa don't like single people having sek."  
  
"Did the boys mess up the house?" I ask.  
  
Savannah nods. "They always fight and Aunt Ruthie always fights with them and sometimes Mommy yells at them...and Mommy and Grandma yell at each other about them...anyway, Mommy wants to marry Martin...Martin wants Mommy and me to move with him to his daddy's house...but Mommy doesn't want to...she wants to stay here...that's one thing they fight about..."  
  
I close my eyes momentarily to hold back tears. "I think you need to be in school...remember what the officers said about social workers?"  
  
Savannah nods. "What are they?"  
  
"They're people who check and make sure families are working well…and that the kids are getting good care and education…maybe when they come, they'll persuade your mom to let you go to school...and have your brother in a good pre-school program…they'll tell your mom and grandparents why it's a good idea...and we both know since Grandpa is a minister, he'll want the community to know that he's providing the best for a sweetie like you and your brother...and maybe they'll even persuade your Aunt Ruthie to even have Kaylee in pre-school and have her talk to someone about her feelings...be less confused..."  
  
Savannah sits back and brightens a bit at the hope of going to school, a hope that I silently pray will not be an empty hope.  
  
Hours seem to slip by quickly and it is almost morning when Micheals and Baxter get the call that the twins have been found and are now at the police station.  
  
The frequency signal reports that David is still pantless and that they've gotten Mom's knife away from Sam.  
  
I wonder if the twins are going to end up arrested and in a juvenile facility, especially Sam, who should not have had the knife to begin with.  
  
I hear someone at the door about an hour later, just as the sky is growing light outside.  
  
By then the kids have fallen asleep on the couch. Micheals and Baxter are waiting.  
  
It's Mom, Lucy, Dad, and Martin. Ruthie and Rick are not with them and I wonder where they are.  
  
"Detectives..." Eric's eyes widen in shock. So do Mom and Lucy's.  
  
"What are they...?" Martin huffs.  
  
Eric holds up a silencing hand and demands of the officers, "What's happened?"  
  
He looks around the messed-up living room. "We know Ruthie was supposed to be home..."  
  
Eric looks at Martin, who shrinks, but has the nerve to glare back.  
  
"It wasn't my fault that Lucy went into a huge panic and left Ruthie stuck with those kids again..." Martin starts to protest.  
  
"Because Rick is sick!" Eric shoots back. "He has whooping cough and is going to be in the hospital for a few days…the least Ruthie can do is watch her own kid and the boys for a few hours..."  
  
"SIMON!" Mom and Lucy scream simultaneously at the sight of me.  
  
"Hello..." I say softly, my heart hammering as I rise from the sofa.  
  
"Hello?!" Mom echoes. "Did you know anything about the MESS in this house?"  
  
"Why are you here?" Martin demands nastily.  
  
"Did you call the cops on us?" Lucy shrills, her face going dangerously red.  
  
"Several neighbors did..." Micheals steps forward between them and me. "There was a disturbance that Sam and David caused, which frightened Savannah and Kaylee...this occurred after Ruthie and Martin left..."  
  
He tells them about what he and Baxter saw last night.  
  
"Mommy..." Savannah has awakened and she stands.  
  
Lucy waves her over. I stroke her back quickly as she goes over to her mom.  
  
"Is Rick all right?" she asks.  
  
"Yes, but I want you and Kaylee to go upstairs right this minute and don't come out until I say so..." Lucy points to the stairs.  
  
"But I want to stay with Uncle Simon...he came and made sure we weren't hurt..."  
  
"Go!" Lucy jabs her finger toward the stairs, glaring. Kaylee starts to cry.  
  
"Mommyyyyy..." she wails. "Wheeere's myyy mommyyyy..."  
  
I start to go and pick her up to take her upstairs, but Mom rushes over and practically shoves me over in her haste to pick up Kaylee and carry her upstairs herself.  
  
On the way, she takes Savannah's hand and takes her up also.  
  
"Goodbye, kids..." I say to them.  
  
"Bye, Simon..." Savannah gets out before Mom pulls her up the stairs.  
  
"Okay, Simon...just what are you doing here and what do you hope to accomplish this time?" Lucy snarls, advancing on me. I swallow, backing up.  
  
"N-nothing...I just wanted to make sure the kids were all right...and where is Ruthie and what's this about Rick having whooping cough...I thought there were immunizations...?"  
  
"Ruthie had a miscarriage," Martin chimes in.  
  
I gasp. "Is she all right?"  
  
"She's fine, not that it would concern you or Lucy...I was the one who had to take her to the hospital since none of you were here for her..." Martin barrels on.  
  
"Which you would not have had to do if you had not come by and talked Ruthie into going out and leaving those kids unattended!" Eric exclaims.  
  
"Don't blame Martin, Eric," Mom is back downstairs, glaring at him. "Ruthie was the one who chose to leave the kids, including her own daughter unattended and look at the mess this house is in..."  
  
"Reverend...Mrs. Kinkirk..." Baxter puts in. "The destruction of this house is Sam and David's work...you both should be aware that your sons are now at the police station and that Sam had one of your kitchen knives..."  
  
She also tells them about the call to social services.  
  
She and Micheals also tell Eric and Mom that they will be back with Sam ad David in a while.  
  
"Oh, for lands..." Eric heaves a gusty sigh. "Of all the irresponsible, foolish...Annie, did you tell..."  
  
"NO, I DIDN'T, ERIC, SO DON'T EVEN THINK OF BLAMING ME FOR THIS MESS!" Mom shouts.  
  
"That's right, nothing is ever your fault, Annie!" Eric shouts back. "Nothing is ever your or Martin's fault!"  
  
"This isn't my fault either!" Martin yells. "I just came to pick up Ruthie because she was feeling low because her own sister and dad treat her like crap, she gets stuck watching the kids, including those two little twin terrors, not to mention that Annie's dealing with crap from Simon..." he glares in my direction. "And don't try to slink away from this, Simon whoever you are, because you are not blameless here!"  
  
"I never said I was..." I say, glaring back at Martin.  
  
"Why did you get Micheals involved?' Lucy shouts. "Not to mention my mother-in-law...yeah, she called me and had a good time blasting me on what an awful mother I was and thanks to you, she's coming here!"  
  
"SIMON!" Mom shrieks, adding her glare on me. "Did you tell Ms. Kinkirk things about us?"  
  
"I...told her I was worried about the kids...I hear a lot of fighting whenever I call.. "  
  
"You almost NEVER call, Simon, so how can you claim to know what is going on here?" Lucy demands.  
  
"I don't know everything, but I've sensed some things..."  
  
"Oh, please, Simon..." Martin curls his lip at me. "You're just looking for trouble to stir up as if you don't have enough in your own promiscuous, immoral life...look at you...miserable, illegitimate...are you trying to get back at Annie...?"  
  
"This really has little to do with Mom or me..." I bite back. "It has everything to do with three innocent kids whose emotional health may be at stake here because of issues none of us have really worked out..."  
  
Martin laughs with a rude, noisy snort. Since his face has been edging toward mine, he practically spits in my face. I jump back.  
  
"Get your face away from mine..." I put out a warning finger.  
  
"Simon, you really shouldn't point at people," Mom butts in. "And you are a fine one to talk about 'working out issues' since you haven't returned any of my phone calls nor are you willing to talk to me about the issues you and I have...despite my trying to protect you from the painful truth about where you came from..."  
  
She's moving close to me and once again, I must move back.  
  
I'm struggling to avoid invasion...space invasion...emotion invasion.  
  
"I told you I was willing to work this out with you...explain my reasons for doing what I did..." she continues.  
  
"I think I've heard enough excuses from you, Mom," I say angrily. "I really am not interested in hearing any more...please, Mom, don't get any closer..."  
  
Mom stops and stares at me for a long minute as Lucy and Martin yell at each other about Ruthie and Kaylee, then Martin and Dad exchange a few barbs.  
  
"It's still the same..." Mom shakes her head at me, but at least she's stopped invading my space. "You've always had a way of pushing me away from you...and for years, I let you do it..."  
  
"That's because you'd get so cold toward me!" I shout back at her, getting something off my chest, something I'd been wanting to say since childhood.  
  
"Cold!" Mom screeches. "I'm cold?" Mom dramatically pounds her chest and gasps. "I stayed home for all of you kids and devoted my life to raising you kids.. even though, you, Simon, I knew you were different...more withdrawn...you'd pull away...I even talked to your second-teacher about you and she excused you on the basis that you were 'introverted' or some nonsense like that...I tried to draw you out more, but you had this way of pushing me away...especially me...and you call me cold!"  
  
I'm shaking, but I must add more, clarify. "Sometimes...and other times you could be warm and caring...especially when you'd be making us something special...but sometimes if I misbehaved...got in trouble, you'd get so cold, I'd get scared..."  
  
"That's because you got into a lot of trouble!" Lucy says self-righteously.  
  
"You pulled a lot of crap, too Lucy!" I snap back. "Just because Mom and Dad didn't get on your case doesn't mean you were any angel either...and you still leave Mom to deal with the kids and Dad to support you..."  
  
"Well, I'm not the one who slept around and got drunk!" Lucy yells. "And I'm not the one who goes around breaking up families!"  
  
"Just what are you talking about...breaking up families?" I ask.  
  
"You got the cops and social workers involved in your own family...basically betrayed Mom and Dad and me...face it, you did...and you broke up Martin's family also..."  
  
"Martin and Sandy's family was already broken...that was no marriage..."  
  
"Who are you, you illegitimate spawn, to say what is a marriage and what isn't?" Martin hisses at me. "Since when do you get to decide those things...?"  
  
"You know that you didn't love Sandy, Martin, so you can drop the facade now," I yell back. "And stop playing games with my sisters also...think of the kids involved in this mess you're helping to create!"  
  
"Simon, you need to stop blaming everybody else for your issues and start looking at yourself and your part in this!" Mom shouts. "You refuse to get past your issues with me and Martin, but instead keep blaming us for your issues and pushing us away..."  
  
"Mom, I'm really not ready to discuss..."  
  
"WHEN WILL YOU BE!" Mom screeches. "How long are you going to keep shunning me and making me pay for a mistake I made a LONG time ago?"  
  
"Mom...you're not the only one paying here...we've all lied and made mistakes and it's up to each of us to amend for them, not make excuses..."  
  
"Is hiding any better?" Martin sneers at me. "You talk a great line about amending and all, yet I guess this applies to everyone but you, right, you promiscuous hypocrite?"  
  
"Look who's talking hypocrisy!" I bark at Martin. "Don't forget you were criticizing me for being sexually active in college, yet you turned around, slept with somebody, then ditched her and tried to avoid her and her baby for months!"  
  
"Okay, that's enough out of you, Simon!" Lucy yells. "Attack, then run, that's the way it is with you, isn't it!"  
  
Lucy and I are squared off once again while Eric and Mom are yelling over the twins and whose fault it is that they are messed up and now at the police station.  
  
"You're a coward, Simon, you always have been!" Lucy shrieks.  
  
"Maybe so, but I don't pretend to be perfect like you and Martin!" I snipe back. "I know I've made mistakes and sometimes did things wrong, but I own up to my mistakes; I don't hide behind some 'perfect' facade..."  
  
"That's right, you HIDE, period" Martin butts in. "Lucy's right, you are a coward...a stinking, amoral, low-class coward..."  
  
"I'd rather be a coward than a phony…" I yell back.  
  
We're still all screaming at each other about accumulated stuff.  
  
I think it is things that have built up over the years...small hurts that haven't been dealt with, that we haven't been able to heal from.  
  
I know I have issues and don't heal easily.  
  
One thing that is confirmed for me this early morning is that I, like Mom, tend to hold onto issues sometimes.  
  
It bothers me that I am like Mom in that respect and I know I need to work on it.  
  
I really don't want to be the kind of person who holds long grudges.  
  
I know I will never be able to forget the lies that Mom and the man I used to think of as "Dad," but I do hope that one day in the future, I will be able to forgive.  
  
It is mid-morning before Micheals and Baxter bring the twins back.  
  
They've apparently found pants for David since he has on a loose gray pair.  
  
Our yelling fest stops mid-air and the silence falls over the room.  
  
"Where the heck were you?" Sam demands. "And is Simon still here?"  
  
"Boys..." Mom says.  
  
"The house stinks...I hope Simon didn't fart all over it..." Sam sneers and David laughs.  
  
"Just go on upstairs to your room and don't let me hear a sound out of either of you," Dad tells the twins sternly. "Your mother and I will deal with you boys later." The twins go rather sullenly.  
  
The phone rings and Mom, who is closest, answers.  
  
"Thanks, Ms. Kinkirk, but you really don't need to come...it's under control here...Ms. Kinkirk don't...!"  
  
I guess Karen must have told her she was on the way because Mom bangs down the phone with a gusty sigh.  
  
"She's on the way over here..." Mom tells us.  
  
"Thanks, Simon..." Lucy tells me sarcastically.  
  
"You're quite welcome..." I say coolly.  
  
"Simon, this is not funny," Eric tells me. "We could be in real trouble and you've had a hand in it with Ms. Kinkirk...if this family is broken up by those social worker people..."  
  
"I wasn't being funny...this is serious and we all should be concerned...we should all be concerned about three innocent kids who didn't ask to be born into our issues we all will be forced to face sooner or later..." I say.  
  
I've realized that in many ways, this family is already broken.  
  
"Eric, make him stop..." Mom gasps dramatically.  
  
"No need to...I'm through..." I finish quietly.  
  
And I am finished with them. Somebody has to start a way out of this mess or only heaven in the skies would be able to help any of us.  
  
I go over to the officers and softly ask if social services is on the way and if they need me for any questions.  
  
"They won't come today...but if they need you, they can look you up and call you...I think it's best if you go home and get some rest..." Micheals pats my shoulder. "You look like you're had a rough night."  
  
I thank both of them.  
  
"There he goes again, Dad..." Lucy says. "Shutting us out and talking only to others...he doesn't think his own family, who he's betrayed to outsiders, is worth it..."  
  
"Lucy..." Mom sighs. "Don't start him up again."  
  
"What, Mom?" Lucy counters. "You're just going to let him get away with betraying us!"  
  
"I haven't left yet and can still hear you," I say. "But I am getting ready to leave..."  
  
"Fine...go..." Lucy glares at me. I glare back.  
  
As we stand a silent minute, all of us like statues in the ruined living room, I see Savannah and Kaylee edge back down, peering at us timidly at the foot of the stairs, frightened by the mess we've all created.  
  
Apparently, Lucy has seen them because she screeches, "GIRLS, GET BACK UPSTAIRS!"  
  
Then she screeches at me, "And you, Simon, just get out of this house and don't ever come back!"  
  
I move back, then instinctively hold out my arms to the kids. They run into my arms.  
  
I guess because Micheals and Baxter are still here, no one tries to get in my way or the kids' way.  
  
I stoop as the girls rush into my arms and I give them a hug that I fear might be the last one.  
  
Tears spurt into my eyes as I hold their warm bodies close to me for a long minute.  
  
I barely hear Martin mutter something derogatory, but I ignore him and focus on the kids.  
  
"Bye, kids...keep being your wonderful selves...I love you and Rick and always will..."  
  
After the kids go, I shakily stand. Lucy gives me one last glare, points toward the door and herds the kids back upstairs.  
  
I turn and with silent tears streaming down my face, head out the door of the house I grew up in, perhaps for what may be the last time.  
  
I know I will not be coming here for Christmas...I don't know where I'll spend it, but it won't be here at this house.  
  
I walk until I am out of sight of the house.  
  
On the next block over, I call and leave a message with Ms. Kinkirk, update her a little about what happened and tell her than I am on the way home.  
  
I get a few blocks away before I call a cab to take me to the bus stop.  
  
It is when I get into the cab that I decide that while I am still in Glen Oak, I might as well check up on Ruthie and make sure she is all right.  
  
So I have the cab take me to Glen Oak hospital.  
  
Outside the hospital, I call and a doctor confirms that Ruthie is a patient there. I go in.  
  
Being there brings a tight pang in my stomach because it brings Matt to my mind.  
  
Matt had worked stints at this hospital when he was first starting out before he moved to New York.  
  
Fighting back the tears that blur my vision, I walk up to the desk, asking for Ruthie's room number.  
  
I produce my driver's license so they know that it is her brother who is visiting and not a stranger.  
  
She's awake and I guess open for visitors, so they allow me up.  
  
She's on the fifth floor. On the way, I stop at a gift shop and buy a flower and a card for her.  
  
It's a sympathy card, but I also add a get-well message and write how sorry I am about the loss of her baby.  
  
The flower is a simple single white daisy, nothing fancy, but pretty and one that won't require much care.  
  
I timidly enter. She's lying in bed, watching TV.  
  
At first, I'm not sure if she even notices me, so I softly say, "Hello, Ruthie..."  
  
She turns and stares at me, then her face kind of falls some as if she were expecting someone else.  
  
She says nothing for a long time and I softly walk in, feeling a tad awkward.  
  
"I'm...sorry about your loss...and all..." I whisper.  
  
I hold the card and flower up and quietly place it on the little table beside her bed.  
  
"Anything good on?" I ask, looking up at the screen...it seems to be one of those reality shows.  
  
I can't really make out which one it is, but it seems to involve several former teen stars and they are complaining about how miserable their lives are now that they are no longer in the limelight and that kind of blather.  
  
"Oh, it's you...Simon..." Ruthie snarks.  
  
"Yeah, it's me," I try to smile at her, but she glares back. "Again...I'm terribly sorry about your baby..."  
  
"Did Sarah send you here? Or Grandma Ruth or the Colonel? Because I'm really not in the mood for their speculations..."  
  
"What?" I say, stunned. "No...no one 'sent' me here...I just heard about your...miscarriage and wanted to make sure you were going to be..."  
  
"Yeah, whatever..." Ruthie snaps and turns back to the TV. "Tell whoever you talk to these days I'm fine...is Lucy still around and screaming over whatever her latest crisis was?"  
  
"Her son was sick...whooping cough...she had to take him in also..."  
  
"Great...another excuse for her to grab the attention in this whole stinking family...I was waiting for Martin actually...so you really should leave before he gets here...I don't think the nurses want to break up any of your silly fights with Martin..."  
  
"I'm done with him...and I hope you are too, Ruthie...you and Lucy both...what do you see in him that's so..."  
  
"I almost had him!" Ruthie sits up and pounds her fist on the bed frame. "But stupid princess Lucy, who can do no wrong in Mom and Dad's eyes, got to him with her so-called counseling crap over Sandy and she used that to steal him from me! Then you ratted me out and made me even look worse to Mom and Dad and now they ignore me...and without Martin, I don't have anybody!"  
  
"Is that why you went out with him last night and left the kids by themselves?" I ask softly. I try not to sound accusing, but I think she does take offense. "Are you that convinced that Martin is the best you can..."  
  
"I don't have to justify myself to you or anyone else in this stinking family!" Ruthie yells, now furious. I jump a bit. "As it is, Mom and Dad were giving me these accusing stares last night before they went back to pampering Lucy and her brats while I sat there and lost my baby...my and Martin's baby..."  
  
"I'm sorry..." I tell her. "But right now, the police were questioning Mom, Dad and Lucy...they've said that social services are coming during the coming week...why don't we worry about the three innocent kids..."  
  
"Yeah, right...like anyone has ever worried about me!" Ruthie shrieks. "The only person who's ever been concerned about me is Martin...no one, not Matt, you, Lucy, Mary, or Mom and Dad have ever shown any concern for me...not even my own daughter does; most of the time she ignores me anyway...maybe if the socialist busybodies haul her off to a foster home, she'll sit up and take notice when her mommy's not around to pick up after her!"

"Ruthie..." I say, stunned. I don't know what to say next.  
  
Despite all the stuff that's gone down between us, I do care about her. I start to tell her so, but she rants on.  
  
"No, you don't! You only come home only if Mom guilts you...you came home at Thanksgiving not to really see me, but to shut Mom's big mouth up, fawn over my daughter and Lucy's brats, and compare notes with Kevin's mother on how messed up this family is! Were you the one who called the social people?"  
  
"N-" I try to say, but once again I am cut off by Ruthie's rant.  
  
"Nice job, freckled, illegitimate freak...I always knew you were a freak even from the time both of us were little, but you've grown more and more depraved over the years! Maybe that's why Mom kicked you around in high school...you were such a freak it embarrassed her to have a freak son..."  
  
Stung and stunned, I stare at her, my face reddening and tears filming my eyes.  
  
Ruthie sees my face and snorts, lying back down.  
  
She flips more channels until she finds a stupid cooking show.  
  
"You know it, Simon, so don't give me that little shocked look and don't start crying all over me...just get out of here...none of you except Martin really care about what happens to me...maybe he'll get me away from the rest of the miserable excuse of a family, especially Lucy...just go wad yourself into a ball or something...just away from me..."  
  
"Goodbye, Ruthie..." I say softly and turn and leave her room.  
  
I am shaking a little and stop in the men's room and steady my shaking hands and wipe the tears from my eyes.  
  
Glancing at my reflection, I am not surprised to see how haggard I look with dark circles under my eyes, which appear dark gray...dark gray like a winter sea before a winter storm.  
  
On the way down, I ask a passing nurse for the pediatric ward.  
  
She points me down the all on the second floor.  
  
Stopoong at the desk, I present my license and ask for Eric Kinkirk, nicknamed Rick.  
  
I pray that Lucy or heaven forbid, Martin have not come back here.  
  
Thankfully, they haven't, but I am relieved to see Ms. Kinkirk sitting in the room with Rick.  
  
"Hi..." I knock tentatively.  
  
"Simon...hello...come in..." Ms Kinkirk stands and waves me in. We hug briefly.  
  
"Hii, little guy..." I also whisper to Rick, but he is sleeping, so I am careful not to wake him.  
  
He has a mask attached to his mouth and nose and looks pale.  
  
I have to fight back a fresh wave of tears at the sight.  
  
"Oh, Ms. Kinkirk, I'm glad you made it...did you go by the house yet?" I ask.  
  
"Go ahead and call me Karen...I did briefly," she tells me. "And the mess I saw sure got the attention of not only social services, but of most of the neighborhood. And the family was still yelling at each other when I arrived...still blaming each other..." she shakes her head.  
  
I tell her more about last night and she nods.  
  
"I'm so sorry you were witness to that..." she says. "Of course, none of them were happy to see me, but so what...I was there for the grandkids and Kaylee...Lucy went all ballistic again, accusing you and me of 'betraying the family' while Eric and Annie kept yelling at each other about how they handled the lies they told you and the rest of the family...Martin then started trying to give me this lecture on grandmothers 'owing' the family the most...I put him in his place by calling him out on his role in two timing Sandy, Lucy, and Ruthie...not to mention his own selfishness with his own sons..."  
  
"Did they tell you Ruthie lost the baby?" I ask. "I was just up there...she's really unhappy and is just taking it out on everyone..."  
  
Tears well in my eyes again and this time, they spill over. Karen reaches over and holds me as I cry softly.  
  
"I bet she gave you a mouthful, didn't she?" Karen asks. I nod. "She always did always have too much of an opinion on everyone...never looked at herself in all this..."  
  
Karen hands me a tissue and I wipe my eyes.  
  
She holds another tissue to my nose and I blow.  
  
Then she touches the end of my nose briefly.  
  
We sit quietly a minute. Rick stirs briefly.  
  
"Is it safe to...?" I ask. She nods.  
  
"Hi, Rick...hey, little guy..." I stroke his fine hair.  
  
He looks up at me and even smiles a little, despite his raspy breathing and mask. I do hope he's out of here soon.  
  
Karen and I decide to go to the coffee shop for a snack.  
  
Karen has a black coffee while I have grapefruit juice.  
  
"Do you think if Savannah and Rick are taken out of the Camden house, you'll get a chance to have them?" I ask.  
  
"Yes...I've spoken with several judges and your friend Rose's mother also helped me put in a petition if this goes to court."  
  
My stomach turns a bit at the thought of a custody battle and a court case...I'm so sorry it might come to this in my family.  
  
I guess Karen senses my thoughts because she says, "It's hard to think of members of your own family ending up in a court battle and entangled with social services, but if it ensures that the kids will be in a stable, safe environment...not to mention those boys.. Sam and David...they're out of control...I was hearing some of the neighbors talking about the racket they made last night..."  
  
"The boys act obnoxious, but a lot of that is the environment they're growing up in...maybe if they went back to school, got some counseling, they'd learn healthy ways to act...I feel sorry for them also...in the end, if they don't get help, they're the ones who are going to pay..."  
  
"If they are not taken out of the home, a judge can place stipulations that your parents and Lucy will have to comply with in order to keep the kids...and one of them may be that they attend regular school outside the home...another may be counseling...and another may be that those kids be immunized since I suspect they haven't been...and I am hoping to get regular visitation with Savannah and Rick...they need influences outside that house..." Karen finishes her coffee.  
  
"Another worry..." I add. "What about Kaylee...Ruthie's daughter...I worry about what'll happen to her...I don't want her trapped in that environment, but I really don't want to see her in a series of foster homes either...I wish I could take her, but I am not in that position to raise a kid yet...I don't have a permanent job and I might be moving soon..."  
  
I think of the Davis siblings who were bounced about for years in different homes and went back and forth between the group home and foster facilities.  
  
"The judge or social worker will scour not only Glen Oak, but in other towns, cities or even out of state, if necessary, to see if Mac has any relatives who could care for Kaylee..." Karen tells me.  
  
I think of Hank or Julie...I know it's a long shot, but they're the closest relatives on Ruthie and my side of the family I can think of at the moment.  
  
And I am not sure if they are in a position to take in a toddler at this point. I tell Karen this and we ponder it a minute.  
  
"The social worker can call them...determine what their position is...whether either of their homes would be good..." Karen says as we stand.  
  
She is going back to Rick's room and I am heading home.  
  
It's getting late in the afternoon and I really want to get home and bathe, rest, and write the latest thank you note for the last interview I've gone to in my job hunt. We hug goodbye before I leave.  
  
It is Wednesday when a social worker calls me.  
  
She doesn't ask a lot of questions...just basically asks me what had happened Friday night and asks a bit about my own background.  
  
I tell her about my job hunt and about Matt's recent death and how it has affected our family and Matt's closest friends.  
  
I also tell her that Savannah has asked to attend school and tell them how worried I am about the kids especially.  
  
She also asks me about Ruthie's recent miscarriage and how Ruthie and I related when I visited her.  
  
It hurts to recount, but I struggle to tell her what was said.  
  
"I think both Ruthie and Lucy feel ignored as if our parents favor the other and each one seems resentful of their responsibilities and other things..." I tell her.  
  
I'm slightly dismayed at first but then feel relieved that she knows about Mom and Eric's lies to me about my biological dad and Mom's affair.  
  
I answer as honestly as I can. Maybe Sam or David told her the truth about my parentage and about Mom's affair that resulted in my birth.  
  
I'm surprised when she asks how I felt when I found out and about my feelings about it now.  
  
I try to tell her the best I can...it still hurts about their lies, but I know I will eventually get used to it and that I plan on meeting my birth dad's family as soon as I can.  
  
After asking me a few questions about what I remember about my early childhood and my half-siblings, she bids me happy holidays and we disconnect.  
  
I do hope she can do something to help the kids, if no one else.  
  
We adults...my half-siblings, Mom, Eric, and I can seek our own counseling if we need to, but the kids are going to need outside intervention and if necessary, the courts.  
  
I really hope it won't come to that, but still...  
  
I am getting ready to make dinner on Thursday after a series of errands and calls to Sarah and the Gallaghers when my cell rings again.  
  
It's from one of the New York studios. I pick up.  
  
"Hello, this is Simon..." I'm almost afraid of what will come.  
  
"Hello, this is Helene Brau from Mylos Studios...I've seen your resume and was most impressed by your interview two weeks ago...so I am calling to offer you a producing job in New York City that starts on January fifth," A mellow woman's voice tells me.  
  
My heart jumps and goes off like fireworks.  
  
It takes me three seconds to realize that I am being offered a permanent job.  
  
"Are you still open to the offer?" Helene asks.  
  
"Yes, I am...I accept your offer," I tell her. "Thank you! Oh! Thank you so much…"  
  
"You're quite welcome, Mr. Camden..." she goes on to tell me more details.  
  
I confirm that since I plan to move anyway, I am quite willing to relocate to New York City for this job.  
  
After we disconnect, I sink back into my sofa, my heart pounding in a whirl of emotions, nearly matching the blowing wind outside. It takes another hour to sink in that my career is actually starting.  
  
I have a permanent job in film producing.  
  
I am moving to New York City. That means I will be close to Sarah, Jacob, and Miriam.  
  
This job will also place me close to Aunt Julie and Erica and close to Grandma Ruth and the Colonel.  
  
This move will put me closer to the Gallaghers.  
  
For the first time in over a month, I smile a genuine smile.


	13. Chapter 13

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**  
  
_By_ : CNJ  
  
PG-13  
  
**13**

The following week is a whirlwind of packing, calls back and forth, flight reservations, and searching for a place to live in New York.

Sarah volunteers to help me with the apartment search.  
  
I also e-mail several more confirmations to Mylos Studios and let Karen, the Hamiltons, and Davises and several others know about my impending move.  
  
I also find out that Keesha and Natalia are now in China through Nigel.  
  
"We don't know exactly when they'll be back...we're not really counting on Christmas. Especially since flights are iffy from there during the holidays, " he tells me.  
  
"Pass on my good luck wishes to them if you get a chance to talk to them," I say.  
  
"I will," Nigel says. "And Simon...good luck in New York."  
  
"Thanks," I say. "I'll call you once I get settled in there...and whenever we get the chance, both of us, I'll have you over."  
  
I wait until two days before I leave before making any attempt to call Mom or Eric. I decide to call Eric at his office.  
  
"Dad..." I tell him when he picks up. "I'm moving to New York the day after tomorrow...the job came through."  
  
"Oh, I see," Eric says. "Well...congratulations...they seem to have given you short notice, but I guess you won't be around for all that's going on at home..."  
  
"No..." I say quietly. "I won't."  
  
"Your mother is still upset a about that night...social workers have come to our house and they and Karen Kinkirk have been making trouble for us...me, your mother...and Lucy's been blaming your mother and complaining about you and Ruthie..."  
  
"How is Ruthie?" I ask.  
  
"She's home from the hospital," Dad says. "I'd think Martin would be a little more supportive of her since it was his baby that was lost, but he's wrapped up in Lucy now...you know he and Lucy are planning to get married this June...maybe when this mess with Ms. Kinkirk, you, and the social services settles down, Martin will come around and be a little more sensitive to Ruthie and what she's been through..." Eric sighs again.  
  
"I'm glad Ruthie's physically feeling better," I respond.  
  
"So, what's your deal with Christmas?" Eric asks. "Are you flying back home...?"  
  
"No...I'm not," I tell him, my voice going flat.  
  
"If money's the issue, I can pay for your ticket..."  
  
"No, it's not the money...I...just don't want to be there...I've had my fill of what's going on...I really am tired...drained of all this...I want a peaceful, quiet holiday..."  
  
"Simon..." Eric sighs a bit impatiently. "This is hard on me and your mother also...can you imagine how she must feel having some government bureaucrats let alone her ex-son-in-law's mother questioning her competence as a mother? Not to mention that the church officials might sue me for the damages the boys did to the house."  
  
"Yes...it must be tough...I'm sorry for what this family is going through," My voice goes even flatter, even metallic as if my larynx is being pressed. "It's symptoms of stuff all of us have carried in unhealthy ways for years, Dad...and the only way we can heal things is if each of us takes things our own way..."  
  
"And yours is by escaping?" Eric demands. "So what are you going to do on Christmas? Mope around New York feeling sorry for yourself and blaming us for your problems, problems you've helped bring on to yourself?"  
  
"No, Eric," I say quietly.  
  
I'm a bit stunned at calling the man I thought of as Dad by his first name, but now am beginning to feel odd calling him Dad these days since he, like Mom, lied to me all my life.  
  
"I don't know yet what I'll be doing Christmas," I tell him. "But it won't be dwelling over our problems...mine or yours or anyone else's. But I do know this...I'm going to deal with whatever problems I have, even those I've brought on to myself...bit by bit...see a therapist if I have to...meet my other family..."  
  
"Simon, Simon..." Eric wheeshes in a breath. "Your mother always insisted that there were things different about you from the beginning onward, but I saw how you changed in high school...most of your problems started then...the disrespect, the moodiness, the pre-marital sex, your getting drunk..."  
  
"Well, whatever things I did, I'm going to try to learn from them..." I say.  
  
"And I hope you and the rest of this family can do the same...we all need to take a good look at ourselves...goodbye and good luck..." I say and disconnect before either Eric or I wind up in an argument and perhaps saying things we'd both regret.  
  
I sit for a long minute among my mess of boxes that the moving company is coming to pick up tomorrow.  
  
Silent tears roll down my face as my head swirls over the events of the last few weeks...maybe the last couple of months.  
  
I don't know how long I sit there in the increasing darkness, not moving, just crying quietly.  
  
It's a bit later when I get a message from Mom. I don't pick up, but can't help listening.  
  
"Simon...your dad told me about your move," she says icily. "Two days...you couldn't have told us earlier...how could you do this to me? Well, I do hope your new career makes you happy...heaven knows, I seldom could...and now that you've had this chip on your shoulder against me for the past month since you found out about my...indiscretion all those years ago, I wonder how long you will keep using it against me...you know that Kinkirk woman's been causing trouble for us...and wouldn't you know it, my father's daughter from his long-ago affair called me our of the blue and wants to see me over Christmas!" Mom huffs a minute.  
  
"As if I don't have enough on my plate...Lucy and Martin are back together again and Lucy's told us they're planning to get married, so I'll be busy planning that...I suppose you're not interesting in attending...I guess your chip extends to Lucy and Martin...Simon, I really don't understand what your problem with Martin is...Martin's a perfectly decent, nice young man who will be good for your sister...he's been good for this family..." she pauses a couple of seconds.  
  
"I'm sorry things didn't work out between Martin and Ruthie, but really...Martin and I don't need this from you and Ruthie both...ever since Ruthie lost her baby, her attitude has been worse than ever...I just hope she won't do anything to spoil this Christmas or Martin and Lucy's wedding...your father and I are planning it all...your father wants them to marry in the church...Lucy wants a big June wedding...Simon, I really wish you wouldn't do this...I wish you'd re-consider and come for Christmas and act civil..." Mom complains.  
  
"Well, I'd ask you to call me back, but I guess you probably won't...goodbye and good luck in New York, even with that chip on your shoulder and your other problems." Mom clicks off.  
  
I wipe my tears away, my heart contracting painfully. I'm still so torn about Mom.  
  
Why does she love me, yet seem to tear me apart.  
  
Once again, I just can't figure her out. My head begins to ache, so I try to put Mom out of my mind for now, at least until after my move and continue packing the last of my things and taping the rest of the boxes.  
  
Right now, the only thing that would help me with my problems is getting away from the mess in that Glen Oak house.  
  
Karen calls the night before I leave. We talk a bit about my move and she tells me she's staying at a hotel, but plans to try to spend Christmas day at the Glen Oak house.  
  
"Did you ever meet Lilly, your mother's half sister?" she asks.  
  
"Yes...a couple of times," I say.  
  
Lilly is Grandpa's daughter from before Grandpa married Grandma Jenny.  
  
He and his then-girlfriend had Lilly when they were only seventeen and not ready to support a child, so they placed her for a adoption.  
  
Lilly's adoptive parents died and Lilly sought out Grandpa and Mom when I was a freshman in high school.  
  
I remember Mom was not too happy about that.  
  
I guess part of it was that she was used to being an only child and the center of her dad's attention, especially after Grandma Jenny died...then Grandpa re-married to a Ginger, which also didn't make Mom happy, then Lilly came into the picture.  
  
"She's opened up more restaurants, including one here near Glen Oak," Karen continues. "She called over there and suspected something was going on...Ruthie complained to her and told her about what was going on with the kids and about herself and Lucy and Martin...I guess Lilly must have gotten my name, so she contacted me...we've been in touch and since Lilly is now living close to Glen Oak, she could testify if she needs to and have Savannah and Rick stay with her if necessary."  
  
"That sounds good..." I say. "And the kids, even if they don't get taken out of there, will have more support..."  
  
"Lilly thinks there will be a good chance that if there's a court deal, Lucy will be required to place Savannah in regular schooling."  
  
"I hope so...Karen...since I'm moving to New York...you don't think they…the social services will actually need me physically there, will there?" I ask.  
  
"No...they won't...they've told me you've spoken with them...you did well...Simon...I do wish you good luck in New York and hope all goes well with your career...and I do hope you'll get to meet your birth father and his family soon...and if I get visitation with Rick and Savannah, I'll bring them to Buffalo and you can come see them."  
  
"That sounds great...I hope they can get to know their cousins also...I've told you about Sarah and her kids...Miriam and Jacob...wonderful kids..."  
  
"You have...let's keep the family in our prayers...and hope some good can come out of all this...let me know when you get settled...how things are, dear."  
  
We bid each other good luck and goodbye before we click off.  
  
It's hard to believe that tomorrow, mid-morning, I will be leaving California and starting a new life in New York.  
  
Part of it seems unreal, almost like a dream, yet it's all too real.  
  
As if I am on automatic pilot, I pack the last few necessities and set the alarm for early tomorrow.  
  
I sleep very little that night. It's just snatches of dozing here and there.  
  
At four, I get up, brush my teeth, briefly shower, then pack those things into my last bag.  
  
The moving company has now picked up most of my boxes, so my apartment is now almost bare.  
  
The apartment looks much bigger now that it's just about empty.  
  
Sarah called and says that she helped me find an apartment not too far from where she lives.  
  
It's a one-bedroom and close to downtown Manhattan.  
  
I've called and spoken to the manager of the building and gotten approved. All's I have to do is sign the lease.  
  
I take one last look at my old place, check to make sure that nothing is forgotten, then go to the management office and turn in the key.  
  
"Good luck in the east," the manager tells me heartily.  
  
"Thanks..." I nod.  
  
My flight is at eleven, so I make sure I get the cab and arrive at the airport by nine.  
  
Fortunately, there is not much traffic yet.  
  
Perhaps because it is a Saturday morning.  
  
The airport is crowded, however. So is my flight.  
  
It's a flight that stops over in Ohio briefly, then continues on to New York City and lands in Kennedy at five-thirty in the afternoon, eastern time.  
  
It's another jump ahead three hours. But this time, this is a one-way flight.  
  
The security line moves fast, but we practically have to strip down to just one layer of clothes and take off our shoes to make it through.  
  
I wonder if it's because it's the holiday season.  
  
As I move through the line, I take in the Christmas decorations and the big tree just on the other side of the gates.  
  
Closing my eyes briefly, I say a silent prayer that this Christmas gives all of us...me, my family on both sides of the coast...to begin to find the peace we desperately need.  
  
I'm in a window seat and as I look out at the fading, disappearing California soil, I have a feeling that it will be a very, very long time before I see Glen Oak again...perhaps many years.  
  
I'm leaving behind so many memories...memories of my childhood, my teen years, my college years...both the painful and the happy ones.  
  
Many of the memories with my Glen Oak relatives are built on Mom and Eric's lies, but they are still memories none the less.  
  
The thought makes a few silent tears roll down my face.  
  
"Leaving a loved one behind, dear?" A middle-aged heavy woman whispers in my ear.  
  
Embarrassed, I stare at her a moment, then nod. I could say that.  
  
I do love Mom, my sisters and Eric, despite all they've done...and despite all I've done.  
  
It's mostly a quiet, although crowded flight. I read a lot.  
  
The stopover in Cleveland is about an hour.  
  
I grab a quick snack and some tea, then stop in the men's room.  
  
Much as I try to avoid looking in the mirror as I wash my hands, I can't help getting a glance at my face...a wan, thin face, even thinner than before since I suspect that I have lost weight in the past month, dark circles shadowing my darkened eyes...my entire face pinched and rather drawn, my brows squeezed into a slight, stressed frown, vertical lines between them.  
  
I call Sarah to give her an update. I also call Grandma Ruth and the Colonel.  
  
All of them...my Buffalo grandparents, Aunt Julie, and my Gallagher relatives know that I am on the way. It's going to be good seeing them again.  
  
I also hear from Sandy and Rose. They know about my move, so I tell them where I am right now.  
  
"That's swell, Simon! Go for it!" Rose crows.  
  
I smile for the first time in a long while at her enthusiasm.  
  
"That's a coincidence because Sandy and I found a house in Denver, so tomorrow is our turn to move...I'm opening up another outlet there and Sandy found a job in a daycare there."  
  
"I've finalized my divorce papers from Martin and have full custody of the boys..." Sandy adds. "Two days ago was the last court date for me and I got the final papers filed."  
  
"Oh, congratulations, both of you!" I tell them. "Good luck with your move and good luck there...let's keep in touch, all right?"  
  
"Sure..." Sandy and Rose say simultaneously.  
  
I'm so happy things are coming together for both of them.  
  
We exchange our new addresses and e-mails before disconnecting.  
  
The last leg of my flight is even more crowded.  
  
I am at a window seat again and the person next to me has a huge laptop and a thick book.  
  
Squashing close to the window, I doze a bit, then read.  
  
A couple behind me complains noisily about the seats, but I manage to mostly tune them out.  
  
The plane arrives a few minutes early. It is growing dark and I look up from my book as the pilot announces our landing and all.  
  
From my window, I can see the Statue of Liberty glowing against the sky and all the tall buildings.  
  
A kind of strange peace settles over me seeing Lady Liberty...maybe it's because I feel as if I am moving forward in my life...taking a productive step in freeing myself from the mess back on the west coast...freeing myself of my inner demons that have haunted me for so long.  
  
The second part will prove trickier than the second part.  
  
There is a long line of landed planes at the tarmac, so it's almost twenty minutes before the plane is able to taxi to the terminal and disembark us.  
  
A few passengers get impatient and start complaining, but I just wait and put my book away.  
  
It's dark by now. When the plane is finally able to let us off, I still wait until most of the passengers have disembarked, then slowly gather my things and amble off the plane.  
  
"Simon..." someone calls.  
  
At first, I think it's my imagination, but I hear my name being called again.  
  
"Unca Siiimon!" Two small voices chime in and I look around and see Sarah and her kids waiting for me.  
  
"Oh...Sarah!" I call and we rush into each others' arms and hug for a long minute, tears filling both of our eyes.  
  
I had been planning to call her when I landed and get directions to my apartment, but this is better that she came personally.  
  
"Hiiiii!" the twins chorus.  
  
"Hello, darlings," I squat down and let them run into my arms and hug them.  
  
Now I'll be able to see them much more often.  
  
I savor their soft, warm little bodies in my arms for a long minute.  
  
"Were you sick?" Miriam asks as I stand and Sarah and I start to walk out of the airport.  
  
"No...not in my body," I tell her.  
  
"You have black rings under your eyes," she says as we pick up my suitcase from baggage claim.  
  
"He's been through a lot of stress lately," Sarah says, stroking her hair.  
  
You can say that again, I think as we walk out to Sarah's car.  
  
Sarah and I do a lot of face-to-face catching up as she drives on down to her place.  
  
I can tell Sarah and the kids are still subdued from Matt's death, but are slowly starting to pick up the pieces to continue. That's all any of us can do.  
  
"Hanukkah starts next week," Sarah tells me. "And my mom and dad invited you to come over with me to their place...are you open to...?"  
  
"Sure..." I tell her.  
  
As we go through toward downtown New York City, the streets are alive with people, holiday decorations, cars, buses, and just activity.  
  
It's much more alive than Glen Oak and even more so than where I'd lived before. And I will be living here from now on.  
  
Sarah invites me to spend the night at her place, which is a townhouse on the outskirts of Manhattan. I take her up on it.  
  
Coming in, I almost expect Matt to come galloping down the stairs to greet me...but I look up the stairs and just see an empty space...just a wicker hamper and a couple of toys lying behind it.  
  
No Matt. Tears well in my eyes suddenly.  
  
"I know...I sometimes expect him to be here also..." Sarah says softly, putting an arm around me, her own eyes damp.  
  
We stand, gazing at the stairs, then around the house a long minute.  
  
A menorah stands in the large living room window and Hanukkah and Christmas lights frame the doorways and the kitchen window.  
  
"Every time I come home...enter...it takes a minute for the kids and me to get used to it..."  
  
"I can see what you mean..." I say around the tightness in my throat.  
  
My tears spill over and Sarah hugs me a minute.  
  
I cry for a few minutes, aching inside not only for the loss of Matt, but for almost everyone...and how my sisters and parents and I parted...and for my other nieces and nephew and what they are dealing with...and will probably have to deal with soon.  
  
I feel a soft tap on my leg and wipe my eyes and look down to see Miriam and Jacob holding tissues out at us.  
  
"Do you miss Daddy?" Jacob asks. I nod and take the tissues, thanking them. I wipe my eyes again.  
  
"Welcome to New York, Simon," Sarah tells me.  
  
"Weltom to New York, Unca Sime," the twins echo.  
  
"Thanks," I'm so touched I hug them again.  
  
It sinks in that I am actually living in New York City, getting ready to start a new career...a new life.


	14. Chapter 14

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**  
  
_By_ : CNJ  
  
PG-13  
  
**14**

Sunday is mostly taken up with moving my things into my new apartment. Sarah is a great help...after she leaves Miriam and Jacob with a baby-sitter down the street, she has six volunteers from her synagogue come when the moving van arrives late that morning.

  
Together, all eight of us are busy hauling boxes up three floors to my new home, which is the third floor of a seven-story building.  
  
Seeing the place firsthand causes me to fall more deeply in love with it than ever.  
  
I'd seen it before online, so I know what to expect...a one-bedroom with a medium-sized airy beige bathroom, a living room with brick on one wall with a large window, a small bedroom with a ceiling fan. The ceiling is slightly sloped.  
  
The building is an older building with a gas stove, fuel-heated radiators, and beige brick.  
  
It has a pleasant, quiet, yet urban quality about it.  
  
I am relieved that by late afternoon, we get everything inside.  
  
I direct everyone to just place everything on the living room floor and place my own loads there.  
  
It's a jumble of boxes, but now I have time to slowly unpack over the next few months.  
  
As a thank you, I treat Sarah and the six volunteers, three men and three women about Sarah's age, to dinner down the street.  
  
I offer to pay them, but they decline and just take me up on my dinner offer.  
  
"To Simon's new life..." Sarah says softly and we all click our glasses before eating.  
  
"Thanks...all of you," I say, touched.  
  
Most of Monday is spent unpacking. When I need to pee at one point, I run down the to corner store and quickly buy a packet of toilet paper, run back up and make a mad dash for the toilet as I unwrap the first roll.  
  
As I pee, I mull over how we forget about little things like toilet paper or toothpaste until we move.  
  
I also do some food shopping late Monday afternoon.  
  
Almost every store is covered with Christmas decorations and many of them have Hanukkah decorations also.  
  
I manage a weak smile as I find myself enjoying the blustery cold as I walk back...home.  
  
Entering, I am beginning to feel that this is truly home to me now.  
  
Glen Oak seems to wane into the background like a fading dream.  
  
Tuesday I wake up wheezy and feeling a bit run-down.  
  
My stomach hurts also. I start to get up, but begin coughing instead.  
  
Phlegm, I think with a touch of bitterness as the gooey little lumps irritate my lungs and throat.  
  
The wheezing deepens, so I force myself out of bed and to the bathroom to get my inhaler and medicine.  
  
Taking some medicine, I try to stop coughing.  
  
I can't stop until a blob of phlegm comes up and I have to cough into a tissue.  
  
I avoid looking at the tissue because I am sickened by the sight let alone the feel of my own mucous.  
  
"Damn..." I whisper, but speaking makes me have to clear my throat, then cough again.  
  
I'm still wheezing between the coughing spells, so I take my inhaler back to bed with me and place it over my mouth and spray, trying to breathe deeply and relax the spasms my bronchioles have gone into.  
  
I silently curse this illness, this hateful asthma that I am stuck with.  
  
For the millionth time, I wish it away, I plead silently with God to do something to help me with this condition that flares up on me at times, this affliction that I sometimes feel powerless against.  
  
But God doesn't come swooping to my rescue; God does not miraculously free me of this disease; God does not re-make my body as whole again.  
  
So for the morning, I lie there, breathe in my inhaler and just cough at intervals, my lungs and bronchioles spazzing from time to time.  
  
My stomach still hurts, but not as badly as it did when I woke up.  
  
I manage to drift off into a light doze by noon. I have several dreams...most of them involve Mom and a couple is with my sisters and Eric.  
  
I have one bad one where I come into the Glen Oak kitchen and Eric, Mom, Ruthie, Lucy, and Martin are all sitting down getting ready to eat...they look up at me.  
  
I start to open my mouth to greet them, but explode in a strong cough and double over, mucous oozing out of my mouth...I can't breathe for a long minute and Ruthie and Lucy laugh.  
  
Martin stands over me with a curled lip and sneers, _Hello,_ _disgusting_... _as_ _if_ _your_ _immoral_ _promiscuity_ _is_ _not_ _enough_ _to_ _spoil_ _this_ _house_...  
  
I wake up, panting and sweating. Naturally, this triggers another wheezing episode, so I turn over with the inhaler over my mouth, trying to control this latest one.  
  
By late afternoon, it's getting easier to breathe once again.  
  
I take expectorant to try to loosen the mucous in my bronchioles...I hate all the coughing, but I know I must try to free myself of the excess phlegm to control the attacks and keep this asthma from taking over me.  
  
Karen calls me that evening. We talk a bit about my move and I tell her about Sarah's help and support.  
  
"That's good, dear..." she says.  
  
I ask about the kids, then have to cough once again. I try to hold my cell away, but I'm not fast enough and she hears.  
  
"You sound a bit under the weather...have a cold?" she sounds concerned.  
  
"I wish...I have asthma...I had a flare-up today." Another cough annoys me just then.  
  
"Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.. I do hope you're feeling better tomorrow..."  
  
"So...what happened with...?" I know she and Mom, Eric, and Lucy had a court appearance yesterday.  
  
I don't want my stupid asthma sidetracking me on this.  
  
"Yes, the kids and your mother and sisters...Lilly and I went and so did your mother and Eric.. unfortunately, it doesn't look like Savannah or Rick will be sent to Lilly's, at least for now, but...the judge has ordered that Lucy provide evidence of her daughter's education...and if Lucy can't supply this, she will be required to place Savannah in regular schooling...Rick also when he reaches school age...also, Lilly and I have been granted liberal visitation rights, so the children will have people outside that house as a regular part of their family."  
  
"I guess it's some progress..." I say softly.  
  
"Lucy and Ruthie along with Annie and Eric are expected to re-appear later on this week...and Sam is also having a hearing next week regarding what happened that night with the knife..."  
  
"Is he going to end up in a juvenile home?" I ask.  
  
"I don't think so.. but he may be put on probation and require that Annie and Eric supervise him more closely...and I'm not betting on the boys being placed in school or removed from that house either...Eric is too well-known as a pillar of the community kind of man...I think the largest influence will be with Savannah, Rick and most likely Kaylee...Lilly is fighting for visitation with Kaylee since she is technically Ruthie and Lucy's aunt. That granted, Eric, Lucy, and Ruthie will be required by law to allow Lilly and me to have the kids over with us from time to time and allow both of us to visit them at the house."  
  
"That's better than before.. " I say. "Karen, thanks for your help on this...and pass my thanks to Lilly also."  
  
"You're welcome, dear...and thank you...thank you for caring so much about those kids."  
  
It takes another day for me to really recover from this latest asthma attack.  
  
Sarah comes over on the second day and makes chicken noodle soup.  
  
My appetite begins to return, so I am able to eat the whole thing.  
  
I also tell her the latest on Savannah, Rick, and Kaylee.  
  
"It's some progress," Sarah says. "And now that Lucy and Eric know that people are watching them, they won't be so foolhardy...they'll know there're limits with the kids...are you still meeting your birth dad this weekend?"  
  
"I sure am," I put my empty tea cup aside. "It's Sean, Gena, and Linda...Micheal and Erin aren't able to come yet...but Linda and her parents are coming here on Friday night...we're going out to eat, then spending the weekend in the hotel they're staying...it's strange that I can't believe I'm meeting this family of mine that I'd never even heard of until last month."  
  
"They seem nice," Sarah says. "I'm sure they'll get on with you great."  
  
We chat a bit longer...Sarah and her parents have plans to fly over to Germany, then Switzerland over the Christmas holidays with Miriam and Jacob.  
  
They booked everything back in September.  
  
Sean and Gena have hinted about plans to have me over to their house in New Hampshire over Christmas, but it's not definite yet.  
  
After I return from meeting the Gallaghers, I am accompanying Sarah and her kids to her parents' for Hanukkah, which is next week.  
  
Sarah's taking a few days off, so she can also celebrate fully.  
  
I have never been to a Hanukkah celebration. I hope I don't seem out of place there.  
  
After Sarah leaves, I take a brief shower, take more medicine, give a few good coughs to clear my lungs of the mucous, then lie down to go to sleep early.  
  
My lungs are better now and I now have my wheezing controlled once again.  
  
I just hope I don't have another flare-up during the holidays.  
  
On Friday evening, I recognize them immediately. Sean...Gena...Linda.  
  
We've sent online pictures over the past month, so we can recognize each other when we meet.  
  
It's just inside the foyer of an Italian restaurant, Il Bucchetti that we finally, finally meet.  
  
"Simon!" three voices call.  
  
"Sean...Gena...Linda..." I call back.  
  
We run into each others' arms and hug for a long minute.  
  
It's a half-hour wait for a table, so we have time to talk a while.  
  
We sit in a bundle on the long green bench.  
  
"My son...another son..." Sean fairly whispers, stroking my face.  
  
He and Linda have the same honey-blond straight hair that I have.  
  
Looking at Linda is almost like looking into a mirror...she has the same heavy brows, that same large lips, the same snub nose, the same light freckles and the same almond shaped silver eyes that I have.  
  
Gena also has almond shaped eyes, but hers are green and her hair is dark brown.  
  
"Welcome to our family," Gena greets me warmly.  
  
"Thank you." My eyes film over with tears...I can't believe I am looking at my birth father and my other half-sister...and that soon, I will meet my other half-brother and half-sister.  
  
Once we get seated and start eating, Gena says, "Sean and I always suspected that there was another child out there...we'd separated when Erin was two...I knew about Annie...Sean had told me about finding out that she was married...but Annie never did tell him about her being pregnant with you..."  
  
"Eric is a minister, true?" Sean sips a bit of wine.  
  
"Yes, he is..." I fork a ravioli. The food here is excellent. "It's not a large church...my other half-sister Lucy is now the associate pastor...it's all in Glen Oak."  
  
"How are you coping with Matt and all...?" Linda asks.  
  
"It's gotten better...Sarah and I know we'll especially miss him during the holidays...but we're taking things one day at a time...the pain's dulled quite a bit..."  
  
"That's good..." Gena says. "We worried about you for a while there..."  
  
"We know how special Matt was," Sean puts in.  
  
"I understand you have a new position here in film production starting in January?" Gena asks.  
  
"That's true..." I tell them.  
  
"I bet you're excited," Linda says.  
  
"I am...and happy...I feel like pieces of my life are coming together at last." I take another bite of ravioli.  
  
They tell me more about their lives...Sean and Gena dated on and off all throughout college...Gena is a university sociology professor while Sean is an illustrator for books.  
  
They lived together after college right here in New York City...had Micheal, then Erin...then separated for a while.  
  
Sean traveled out west for a few months on conferences and that's when he met Mom...and had the affair with her which resulted in me.  
  
He really didn't know Mom was married until he overheard a conversation, not unusual in small Glen Oak.  
  
He broke things off with Mom...I don't know when Mom actually knew she was pregnant with me...but he went back east and a year later he and Gena reunited and moved up to New Hampshire and finally married...then had Linda.  
  
"Simon...we're so sorry we weren't part of your life sooner..." Gena says, her eyes misting over as she reaches over and touches my hand.  
  
I hold hers, various emotions rushing through me.  
  
"I know I'm not your birth mom or even your mom in the daily sense...but will you think of me as part of your family?"  
  
"Sure..." I nod. I reach over and hug her. "How about I think of you as a step mom?"  
  
"Oh, thank you, darling..."  
  
"Now there's four of us siblings," Linda says. She puts an arm around me. "Welcome to our family..."  
  
"Sean...Linda.. I consider both of you family...and I think Micheal and Erin will become family to me too..." I feel tears in my eyes.  
  
Before I can stop them, they spill over my face.  
  
Sean hands me a napkin, tears welling in his own eyes.  
  
Tears are running down Linda and Gena's faces also.  
  
I know all of us are a mix and mash of emotions right now, so we wipe our faces and finish dessert...two marble cheesecakes that are a mix of chocolate and mint.  
  
The hotel we stay in is beautiful and completely decorated for the holidays.  
  
Once we check in and put our bags in the two-room suite, we walk around the lobby and gaze at the huge tree in the center.  
  
There's also a large menorah on the other side with blue and silver boxes underneath it and blue and white lights around it.  
  
"Do you have any plans over Christmas?" Gena asks me.  
  
I shake my head.  
  
"How would you like to come up to New Hampshire to spend it with us? You can finally meet Micheal and Erin and also my sister and her kids and Sean's mom..."  
  
"Sure, I'd love to," I say. We smile at each other.  
  
"I hope you don't mind snow," Linda says.  
  
"Not at all," I say. "Another set of my grandparents live in Buffalo and I've been there in the winter...so I'm used to snow..."  
  
I remember some of the visits I went on when I was growing up...a few times, we went for Christmas.  
  
I talked to them yesterday in fact and Julie and Erica plan to go up there.  
  
It hasn't snowed yet, but Grandma Ruth has told me that it's been very, very cold, even colder than New York City and that it might snow for them next week.  
  
"The snow hasn't come for us yet, but we think it'll be there by Christmas," Sean tells me. "Most of the time, we get a few inches by the holidays...last year, we got three feet for Christmas."  
  
"I guess you're used to that," I say.  
  
"Did you get snow where you lived?"  
  
"Yes...the place I went to for college and where I lived right before I moved here, we often did...it was a few inches usually in the flatlands...the mountains got much more almost like New Hampshire and Buffalo...but in my childhood town, Glen Oak, we didn't get the snow...it'd get cold in the winter, but not snow."  
  
As we head back to the room, I think of how different the holidays are here, especially in the city...it seems as if everyone gets into it much more...almost every square inch of New York City is just covered with decorations.  
  
Glen Oak would decorate, but it seemed less festive.  
  
Around the church, there would be Nativity scenes, but even those were rather nondescript.  
  
I tell the Gallaghers this once we get back to the room.  
  
"What are they like in New Hampshire?" I ask.  
  
"A lot like here.. " Gena tells me as we lounge on the bed listening to soft holiday carols. "Concord's not as big is New York, but it has its metropolis..."  
  
"Did you tell Simon about all the sledding parties we had?" Linda takes her straight hair out of its ponytail and brushes it a little.  
  
They tell me about the sledding parties...they sound like fun.  
  
"Maybe you can join us for one this year...I think we'll get the snow," Linda tells me. "Sledding's not hard to learn..."  
  
We do a lot more catching up that night...I feel as if I have known them before and just was separated from them for many years and this is truly a family reunion.  
  
All of my fears that I'd feel like an outsider have vanished.  
  
After we go to bed that night, I lie awake for a while watching the lights in the nearby windows glisten, twinkle, blink, and flash and think about my other family back in Glen Oak.  
  
I wonder if Mom and Lucy are racing around planning Lucy and Martin's wedding...how Ruthie is faring in the wake of her miscarriage...I hope she finally sees the real Martin...I also hope Lucy eventually does also...I also still worry about my nieces and nephew.  
  
I'm glad Karen and Lilly showed up at the right time...they can bring balance to those kids' lives...I do hope Karen succeeds in getting Lucy to send her kids to school and to immunize the kids.  
  
I sent gifts to each of the kids through Lilly and Lilly told me that she'd get the presents to them.  
  
She'd told me that Lucy was on this kick of banning gifts, however, so I do hope Lilly can maybe pass the gifts to them at her place.  
  
I hope Lucy, Martin, Ruthie, and Mom, and Eric don't spoil the holidays for the kids.  
  
I think back to my own childhood Christmases...Mom and Eric did try to make them happy for all of us kids...we'd exchange presents, then attend a church service.  
  
Most years, there would be a Nativity play.  
  
Speaking of Nativity plays, Gena has mentioned that she, Sean, and their kids also have participated in Nativity plays since they belong to a Catholic church.  
  
I'd love to see what a Catholic one looks like...I suspect it's beautiful.  
  
We spend much of the next day walking through the city, which is near Soho and do some holiday shopping. We wind up having a nice time.  
  
I ask about their Nativity and they tell me about it.  
  
"So maybe you can join us for one this year..." Sean suggests. "They have it every year in our church...this year, it's right on Christmas Eve at the midnight Mass…"  
  
"Sure..." I wonder what's behind the midnight mass.  
  
I've also figured out that Catholics call their church services Mass.  
  
I feel like another world is opening up for me and I also feel as if I have found a lost part of me and have been re-united with it.  
  
It's so good meeting the rest of my family.  
  
I also tell then about my nieces and nephew back in Glen Oak and about the Hamiltons and Davises.  
  
I also tell them more about the Glasses, including Miriam and Jacob.  
  
In turn, they tell me more on their side of the family...Gena's sisters, Sean and Gena's moms, several cousins.  
  
From what they tell me, one of Gena's sisters lives close to them.  
  
Gena and that sister, Claire see each other every so often.  
  
Claire has two kids, a son Harry and a daughter, Kathleen.  
  
As we head back to the room, I realize that these extended family members are also related to me.  
  
Once we get back, we shower and get ready for dinner in the lobby restaurant of the hotel.  
  
As we talk more about our families, Sean mentions that the Gallagher ancestors came in through Ellis Island and that they've been there.  
  
"So have I," I tell them. "I was here visiting Matt and Sarah last summer..."  
  
I remember that picture of the Irish woman who looked like...us. "Was one of our immigrants...a woman? A twenty-ish woman?"  
  
"I believe so..." Sean nods. "Bridget was her name.. ?"  
  
"I think so..." Gena hold up a finger, then gets up and goes to her purse.  
  
She pulls out a couple of pictures, one of her three kids, another of a dog, then finds what she's looking for. "Here it is..."  
  
She brings it over to us. It's an old picture, of course, but has been preserved.  
  
Linda, Sean, and I peer at it. It's the same woman.  
  
"That's who I saw in one of the pictures there..." I whisper. "I was spooked...it was before Mom's secret came out...I told Matt and Sarah about it and we figured it was just coincidence...maybe God was telling me something..."  
  
"Maybe..." Gena's eyes mist over.  
  
"Simon, I'm so glad you're back with us..." Linda wraps me in a huge hug. I hug her back.  
  
"I always felt..." I struggle to put this into words, words that make sense. "I was mostly happy in my childhood, but vaguely...felt this empty space inside of me...I wasn't fully aware of it most of the time and couldn't articulate it...I knew Mom hadn't really given any of us kids in Glen Oak the whole story...and that I was the one involved...it was especially when I was a teenager and in high school and college...I felt there was something about me that was secret that Mom and Eric knew about, but hadn't told me or my other siblings..."  
  
Tears spill over my face as I think about Mom and Eric's lies...not only to me and my Camden siblings, but to my other family as well...Sean particularly.  
  
"I always suspected there was more to our family than just my three kids also," Gena adds.  
  
"And that there was another one out there..." Sean puts an arm around me. "But I'd ended things with Annie and just hoped she'd be honest enough to come clean with Eric...and maybe Eric would let me know about you..."  
  
"But he didn't..." I sob. "He helped Mom cover he lies...and because of them, we lost years...all of us..."  
  
We're all in tears by then, so we cry for a few minutes. Then we slowly wipe our eyes.  
  
"We lost time..." Gena tells us softly. "But we can make up for it...Simon did find out about us while he was still young...let's make the most of it and have our first holiday together be wonderful one."  
  
We're a lot calmer now, so we finish getting ready and head out for dinner.  
  
A band plays holiday music at the restaurant we eat at, so our dinner has a festive feel to it.  
  
On Sunday afternoon, we finalize our Christmas plans...Sean and Gena will meet me at the Concord Amtrak station, where I will take the train on the twenty-second of December.  
  
I'll be in New Hampshire over Christmas and up until the thirtieth.  
  
Both Gena and Sean's mothers are coming and so is Claire with Harry and Kathleen, who are teenagers.  
  
Harry is seventeen while Kathleen is fifteen. I am looking forward to meeting them.  
  
Linda catches the train back to her college in upstate New York while Gena and Sean catch the Amtrak back to New Hampshire.  
  
"See you in a few weeks!" We call to each other as we part.  
  
As I get on the subway back to my apartment, I feel more peaceful than I have in months.  
  
"Simon...?" A voice says tentatively after one stop.  
  
I turn, my brows shooting upward.  
  
My eyes dart around until I spot a familiar-looking brown-haired woman watching me, a slight smile on her face.  
  
At first, I can't figure out where I've seen that face.  
  
When she smiles even more widely, it clicks.  
  
"Deena!"  
  
"Simon!"


	15. Chapter 15

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**  
  
_By_ : CNJ  
  
PG-13  
  
**15**

Deena Stewart and I stare at each other for a long minute, our eyes wide in surprise.

She looks great...hair shoulder-length, straight with a fringe of bangs and darkish brown. Her brown eyes seem larger.  
  
She has a sturdiness about her and also appears more solid than I last remember.  
  
I haven't seen her since right after we completed our ninth grade year.  
  
We'd been boyfriend and girlfriend back in middle school, but she and her mom moved away that summer after eighth grade. We'd both cried hard then.  
  
She briefly returned to Glen Oak at the end of ninth grade to visit her dad, but by then we'd drifted apart.  
  
I don't remember why, but we'd tried re-uniting, but it hadn't worked out and I remember being really heartbroken and crying for days afterward.  
  
I really don't remember what it was about it not coming back together that upset me so much...I just remember my stomach hurting and remember doing a lot of crying, mostly on my bed.  
  
"Simon...wow...I can't believe..." Deena finally says barely above a whisper. "Here of all places...how did you get here?"  
  
"I can't believe it either..." I say, my heart beating fast. "I live here now...in fact, I moved here a few weeks ago...I start a new film producing job in January...you?"  
  
"Lived here since college...went to Columbia University...I'm an architect...started with Northern Management two years ago...single and have a Yorkshire dog and a brown shorthair cat I live with...what about you?"  
  
I tell her about my new apartment, about my temp work, and about my beginning career in film production and direction.  
  
I also tell her about what college I graduated from and where I'd lived.  
  
I don't touch upon my family yet...I guess it's too much yet for me to spill it all out to somebody I've just gotten re-acquainted with.  
  
And I don't want to talk about Mom or Eric right on the train and risk becoming upset in public.  
  
I realize that I've just passed my stop, but we keep talking.  
  
Her stop is three from mine and we get off together.  
  
"I live two blocks up from here," she tells me once we've left the station and re-surfaced over-ground. She's not very far from Central Park, I realize. "Do you want to come up for a while?"  
  
"Sure..." I agree.  
  
I follow her the two blocks to a ten story brick building.  
  
She lives on the fourth floor. It's a nice building and nice one-bedroom apartment.  
  
"You're okay with dogs and cats?" Deena asks as she opens her door.  
  
"Sure..." I nod. "I still like them."  
  
"Is Happy still around or is she...?" Deena asks.  
  
"No...she's gone...got old..."  
  
"That must have been hard."  
  
As we get comfortable in the living room, which has a nice beige leather couch with a shirt draped over it, she offers me something to drink. I request just water.  
  
As she brings it out, the Yorkshire comes trotting out and peers at me through long hair, then approaches to sniff me.  
  
"Hiii..." I smile at the dog.  
  
"Simon, this is Terry...Terry...girl, this is Simon," Deena introduces us as she ruffles Terry's light and dark brown neck, then slowly sits. "Sheesta is probably hiding out under the bed...she's a tad shy."  
  
It's so odd, yet there is something comforting about being in the living room of a girlfriend from a long-ago past.  
  
"You look good, Simon," she tells me.  
  
"Thanks..." We talk a bit more and I find the courage to tell her a little about my sisters...I tell her that Lucy married when I was a junior in high school, has two kids and is now divorced.  
  
I fight the catch in my throat as I briefly mention that she's marrying again, but avoid discussing Martin just yet.  
  
Deena tells me that her mom now lives in Massachusetts; her older half-sister is now married with a kid of her own, her brother is also married with three kids, and that she'll be going up there for Christmas to see them.  
  
I also tell her about Matt and Sarah and their kids.  
  
I feel tears in my eyes when I tell her about Matt's death a month ago.  
  
"Oh, God, I'm so sorry..." Deena touches my hand. "That must have been traumatic...I don't remember much about him, but I remember he always looked out for you..."  
  
That he sure did. "It's going to be a strange holiday without him this year..." I add. "I'm spending the first few days of Hanukkah with Sarah and her family later on this week..."  
  
"That's good...I'm glad you and Sarah have each other...and her kids could use extended family at this time..."  
  
"How is...?" I start. "You haven't had any more recurrences...?" I know Deena had leukemia as a child.  
  
"Leukemia..." Deena adds. "No...I've stayed in remission...when I graduated from high school, my doctor told me I was pretty much cured."  
  
"That's wonderful..." I remember feeling so scared back then...we'd been twelve.  
  
"They say that most people today survive leukemia...more don't even need a bone marrow transplant...I've visited kids with leukemia to give them hope...it's still scary and unpredictable...how about you, Simon...I wonder if you're healthy...I hope you don't mind me telling you, but you look a bit thin."  
  
"Stress...but I also have asthma," I tell her.  
  
She might as well know in case I have an attack in front of her, she'll know what's going on.  
  
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that...is it scary?"  
  
"Sometimes...mostly I just hate it...it's a real pain...last week, I had an attack and had to spend a couple of days in bed...and I hate the cough I sometimes have."  
  
"I have a feeling it'll get better in time..."  
  
"I hope so..."  
  
It's getting late and I know Deena has work early tomorrow, so I give her my address, we exchange cell numbers, then she walks me down to the lobby where she sees me to the train.  
  
We make plans to re-meet again on Thursday evening for dinner since Deena has off work that Friday and will be going to a friend's place in Maine for that weekend.  
  
I myself will be leaving with Sarah and her kids for Richard and Rosina's home in Long Island for Hanukkah.  
  
Wednesday I hear from Karen. She tells me a little about the hearing.. good news, but a touch of bad...Lucy wasn't able to get enough evidence of schooling, so she is required to place Savannah in school starting in early January, which is good.  
  
I'm not sure if the second part is good or bad news. "Mac's mother appeared...she's taking Kaylee to live with her..." Karen updates. "And I think the judge will grant custody to her."  
  
"Mac...I mean his mother..." I say softly. "Does she live around Glen Oak?"  
  
"No...she lives in Oregon and will most likely take Kaylee up there...I think it'll be better for Kaylee...Lilly and I both withdrew our petitions for custody of Kaylee since Mac's mother is stable and retired with a decent income...she loves her granddaughter also."  
  
I'm relieved that Kaylee at least is getting out of that environment, but also a bit sad because I don't know if I will be able to contact her or see her again.  
  
I also feel a pang because Ruthie is losing her on top of losing her baby.  
  
"How is Ruthie dealing with this?" I ask.  
  
"At first, she came in ready to fight, but seemed disgusted with the whole court process and signed over Kaylee...I think she's giving up her parental rights.. it's a good thing because a custody battle will be avoided and secondly, I really don't think Ruthie is interested in being a mother."  
  
"I got that feeling from my sister," I agree. "It's sad that it's come to this with Ruthie, but they both will be better off in the long run...especially Kaylee...she needs a stable, strong parent figure in a loving home.. I'm going to miss her, though...she's so cute..."  
  
"I know you will...Kaylee's grandmother did promise to keep in touch with Lilly and me...I told her a little about you, so I hope soon when she gets settled, I can get you in touch..."  
  
"And Kaylee can have a peaceful Christmas with her grandmother...does Mac have any other relatives that you know of?"  
  
"I think there's a few cousins and Mac's aunt doesn't live too far, so there'll be extended family for her," Karen supplies.  
  
"Good..." I say.  
  
Karen and I talk a bit about our holiday plans and she asks me about the Gallaghers and I tell her.  
  
"I'm spending Christmas with them," I say. "They're so warm and honest...they made me feel so welcome...like I'd been with them forever..."  
  
I also tell her about Sarah and her kids and that I will be spending a few Hanukkah days with the Glasses.  
  
"Miriam and Jacob are so sweet...I wish you could meet them."  
  
"Me too...maybe I will one day..." she tells me that she plans to spend Christmas with Savannah and Rick. "You know that Lucy's planning on marrying Martin...?"  
  
"Yes...I heard."  
  
"Lucy wants a big wedding in June and is even talking about doing the wedding in Hawaii...but Annie and Eric are pushing the wedding date to February and Eric wants it in his church...Annie wants to plan it all and Lucy's been battling her on it...especially Annie is pushing for a February Valentine's wedding..."  
  
"I'm glad I'm not there for all that..." I mutter.  
  
"Me too...after the holidays, I'll fly back home and I definitely am not coming to that wedding...Eric and Martin tried to wheedle me to come, but I already said no...what about you?"  
  
"No," I say.  
  
There is no way I will be involved in that mess I fear that wedding will be.  
  
I just pray Savannah and Rick won't be in the middle of that either.  
  
"Lilly and I are going to make sure the kids are with either one of us whatever day they decided their wedding will be," Karen tells me. "Ruthie is saying she won't be there either, but Annie is berating her about it...Martin's father and Annie also have clashed...speaking of which, I think Beau kicked Martin out of the house...Martin is living there at the parsonage house full time now and I've heard him complaining about Beau...but it's about time Beau gave his son the boot."  
  
"That's probably why Mom wants their wedding sooner," I say, just knowing intuitively.  
  
"Maybe...but I don't think even Beau plans to come," Karen tells me.  
  
"Mom and Eric don't like unmarried couples living together...you might have heard that old religious edict against it..."  
  
"That's right, I have heard it," Karen says. "And I think you're right."  
  
"So if Martin and Lucy get married this February, they won't have lived in the same house all that long..."  
  
I know Mom and Eric will also not let them share even the same bedroom until the wedding.  
  
"Well.. good luck about the holidays with the kids.. I sent their presents to you, so I know you'll give them to the kids...I also sent you something, so look for it...Lilly also..."  
  
"Thanks, dear...have a good time at the Glasses' and we'll keep in touch...I'll also make sure Savannah and you can stay in touch..."  
  
"Thanks...for everything."  
  
••••••••••  
  
_I'm sitting on the floor of my old bedroom in Glen Oak._  
  
_I'm not sure how old I am, but I am at least over fifteen_.  
  
_I have an issue of_ Money _magazine in my hand, but am_ _only slightly reading it_.  
  
_Dad's voice calls us to dinner or something from downstairs, but somehow I am afraid to go down there. I hear Lucy and Ruthie go down._  
  
_I hesitantly start down after dad calls me, but freeze in the hallway when I hear Martin's voice downstairs._  
  
_I start shivering, not wanting to deal with Martin._  
  
_I stand in the hallway, paralyzed with fear_.  
  
Mom? _I mouth, but she doesn't answer me_.  
  
_She's not here somehow; she's left us_.

 _She won't be here for Christmas and I am stuck with Martin for a brother-in-law_.  
  
_I stare at the holly boughs lining the hallway and try to think of a way to get out of here and back home to New York_.  
  
_Why am I here? I wonder in dread_.

 _I'd told them I was not going to be in Glen Oak for Christmas_.  
  
MOM! _I scream in terror, wanting her love back again_.

Mom, come back! _I cry, tears spilling down my face_.

  
Simon, what is it this time? _Lucy comes barreling upstairs, her blue eyes glaring at me_. Mom's not here; she's left us!  
  
_I stare at her in shock. Behind her, Sam comes up and is pointing and laughing at me._  
  
Okay, freak, I don't know why you just can't get over this, but you need to pull yourself together for my wedding...we cannot have you having your stupid brooding and whining during my wedding, you understand? _Lucy_ _scolds_. You've already caused enough embarrassment for us already!  
  
_By then, Dad_... _Eric is coming up and so are Ruthie and to my horror, Martin_.  
  
_I step back and start to run back to my ex-room to escape through the window, but Martin and Eric lunge forward and grab me. I let out a scream of terror_...  
  
And wake up, panting, sweating and shaking with tears on my face.  
  
It takes me a few minutes to recover a bit from this latest nightmare. I cough once, then wipe my face.  
  
I try to put the nightmare out of my mind as I listen to the wind and traffic outside, then turn on the bedside lamp to read a while.  
  
Deena and I meet at McGinnis place not too far from her apartment on Thursday night.  
  
It's a quaint Irish place and we do more catching up as we eat.  
  
After dinner, we walk around the neighborhood a bit.  
  
It's amazing how here we can walk to so many places.  
  
"My old car died, but I think I won't even need another car here," I comment.  
  
"I never bothered getting a car here either," Deena adds. "With the great transportation here, there's no need."  
  
"I've heard Washington, DC is the same...do you remember two of Matt's girlfriends Heather Kane and Shana Sullivan?"  
  
"The names sound familiar...I think I vaguely remember meeting Shana once," Deena says.  
  
"They both live in DC now...it's a lot like here..."  
  
Deena nods. "Beautiful city...I've been there...Mom and I sometimes went on weekend trips there when we lived in Virginia...in my senior year of high school, we spent Christmas there."  
  
"I imagine it's as pretty as here," I say. "I've never been there, but I've always wanted to go...M-Matt once served on an internship there in the summer."  
  
I feel my mouth abruptly stiffen and my brows tighten.  
  
We're near Times Square where the great lit ball drops every year on New Year's Eve.  
  
Tears fill my eyes...Matt won't see another New Year roll in...never another Hanukkah or Christmas. The holiday lights blur.  
  
"Simon..." Deena says softly, stroking my arm.  
  
"He won't be here this year..." I sob softly. "Oh, Deena, not just that...so much has happened with me...you wouldn't believe it..."  
  
Deena holds me close for a long minute, then guides me over to a long bench.  
  
"Feel free to tell me...are things going on with your parents as well...?"  
  
I sit back, take off my glasses and put a hand over my eyes for a long minute. My tears slow to a trickle.  
  
And I tell her haltingly everything that has transpired this autumn.. about Martin...about Ruthie's on and off affair with Martin...about Lucy and Kevin and their divorce...about the three kids and everything that's been going on with them...about all of our lies to ourselves and each other.  
  
"Oh, Deena, I'm so ashamed..."  
  
I start to cry again and have to bury my face in her lap another long minute.  
  
"Of what?" Deena prompts softy. "It sounds like you were doing the best you could to survive with all the manipulation that was going on."  
  
"I lied too..." I wipe my face again and blow my nose with the tissues Deena gives me.  
  
We're quiet a long minute, watching several blue cabs rush by among the traffic.  
  
"I get the feeling there's more...perhaps your parents...I think some things happened with them," she says.  
  
"M-Mom..." I swallow. "...lied to all of us for twenty-four years..."  
  
I tell her about what I found out about Mom and my biological dad.  
  
And about Ruthie's being the one to tell me and about Mom's letter and about how Eric found out about the affair, but kept it secret from us kids also.  
  
"Oh, my God..." Deena says. "Oh, I'm so sorry you had to find out this way..."  
  
It's another long minute of silence between us with us holding hands and watching the people, traffic, and lights.  
  
A loudspeaker in the distance plays Winter Wonderland.  
  
I vaguely wonder if the city will get snow for Christmas.  
  
It certainly feel cold enough to snow. But the sky is clear, despite the wind.  
  
A half moon hovers between two tall buildings down the street.  
  
"Thanks...for listening…you were always a good listener," I say softly.  
  
"So, the Gallaghers are your birth dad's family?" Deena asks.  
  
"Yes..." I tell her about them. "You'd like them...I hope one day you can meet them...they're great...I'm spending Christmas with them...Sean and Gena live in New Hampshire...my other siblings are coming there also..."  
  
I feel a bit better just thinking about them.  
  
We sit a minute, then stand and start walking again.  
  
"Do you want to see where I live now...the apartment is kind of a mess of boxes and all.. but you can see where it is..."  
  
"Sure..." Deena says.  
  
We walk on over. My head and heart feel a bit lighter now that I know the Gallaghers, have re-met Deena again and also am spending this weekend with the Glasses.  
  
Despite Matt's being gone, I think this holiday won't be as awful as I feared it would be.  
  
I can only hope for the same for the Glen Oak relatives.  
  
"It's lovely so far..." Deena comments once we get into my place.  
  
I manage to pull up two unpacked boxes for makeshift chairs after giving her a quick tour and offering her some hot chocolate.  
  
"So...Deena...thanks for letting me unload my inner mess and family problems with you...what's it like with your family...?" I ask.  
  
"My mom's retired and lives in Massachusetts...so does my aunt...I'm spending Christmas with them...my dad..." Deena pauses and I see a bit of dampness in her eyes. "He died when I was a sophomore in college...heart attack...my stepmom took it hard."  
  
"Oh, God, I'm so sorry to hear that," Now it's my turn to stroke her.  
  
"I guess they also had their share of marital troubles, but Miranda did love him...I think part of my mom did also...Dad had affairs, but we still miss him...I found out that from one of his affairs, I have a half sister...her name's Carla...her mom and her actually live in Italy...you remember how my dad used to travel often?"  
  
I nod.  
  
"One of his contacts was in Italy...so one of his affairs was there and that's where Carla came.. I met her once...she's nice...she's in tenth grade this year...speak English quite well...Mom and I also were upset when Dad lied at first...but then he fessed up."  
  
"I wish Mom could have done the same with us…" I mutter.  
  
"Me too..." Deena nods. "Now that I remember...I noticed you were kind of different from the rest of your family...quieter...your face was a bit different...I even wondered if you were adopted sometimes and didn't know about it..."  
  
We sit and reflect a few minutes, saying small thoughts here and there...about family, about holidays, about careers.  
  
Then we decide to head back to Deena's place and watch a movie on her DVD.  
  
We all sit in a cozy bundle on her bed, her dog and cat included.  
  
I let Terry lick my hand. Her warm, moist tongue feeling my hand reminds me of Happy licking my hand.  
  
Sheesta is still shy around me, so I don't try to touch her yet, but smile encouragingly at her.  
  
She peers at me timidly, then lies down next to Deena, who strokes her back.  
  
It's almost midnight when the movie's over, so I call a cab, so I am not on the train at this late hour.  
  
Deena and I hug with more promises to see each other before Christmas, then bid each other a great weekend.  
  
"Happy Hanukkah," she tells me with a grin.  
  
"Oh...yeah...well, happy...weekend..." I say.  
  
I manage to smile back as I go. I know she doesn't celebrate Hanukkah.  
  
Since I don't, it feels a tad funny to have somebody wish me a happy Hanukkah.  
  
This year will be my first time attending a Hanukkah celebration.  
  
On the way to meet Sarah and her kids, I get a message from Eric.  
  
"Simon...I was hoping once you got settled in your new place, you'd be calmer with us...I'm hoping you pick up, but if you don't, just at least hear me out on this...your mother and I really wish you'd come to Lucy and Martin's wedding...I know you've had trouble with Martin...but I hope you and Martin can come to peace with each other...your mother convinced Lucy to move the date to February...I'd be happy to pay your airfare for you, so money won't be a problem..."  
  
Eric pauses.  
  
"I'm here at the church office…and Simon.. Lucy really didn't mean what she said about her not wanting you to come home again...she was just upset because of her mother-in-law and Lilly being on her and your mother's backs...those social service people have been trying to dictate how our kids should be raised, so Lucy's been ordered to send Savannah to school...Sam had to go in for a hearing and is on juvenile probation...Ruthie's lost custody of her daughter to Mac's mother, who's taken her away...and Ruthie's been having female problems and has spent the past couple of days in bed with cramps..."  
  
Eric mutters something to himself that I can't understand, the goes back on his speech.  
  
"Well, Simon...it's almost Christmas...I know it's been a rough time for us...but I really wish you'd consider coming home for Christmas...I can pay your fare...your mother's upset enough because our family hasn't been all together for these past several Christmases...since you and Martin will be brothers-in-law, I'd like to see you two mend fences...start the New Year getting along...Martin will be good for this family, despite his errors...he and I have had a long talk and he really is going to try to make Lucy happy and be a father for her kids, despite Ms. Kinkirk and social services butting in their affairs...I'm also trying to get Ruthie to bury the hatchet with her sister and with Martin...so, Simon...call back...let's all take steps to mend this family rift..." Eric disconnects.  
  
I listen to parts of it once more, then delete it and turn off my phone.  
  
I am sorry that Ruthie has not been well for the past couple of days and will send her a card when I return from the Glasses' place, but I don't feel I am strong enough to call back there and deal with any of my Glen Oak relatives yet.  
  
Now's not the time to deal with what Eric, Mom, Martin or Lucy want either...now's the time to be there for Sarah and our family on that side and help them find a way to celebrate a rather different Matt-less Hanukkah.  
  
"And so a great miracle happened there," Sarah's great-aunt Xeomara says as she lights the first candle of the menorah in the Glasses' living room.  
  
Almost everyone sighs...all of the Glasses' extended family.  
  
Sarah's an only child, but she has several cousins, aunt and uncles.  
  
Many of them have kids of their own, so besides Miriam and Jacob, there are five other kids.  
  
There are also a few friends of Rosina and Richard's, some of them non-Jewish, so I am not the only gentile in the place.  
  
Once Xeomara has the menorah lit, we all sit down at the long table to eat.  
  
Richard and Rosina lead a short blessing over the abundant food, then we lift glasses to toast several people, including Matt.  
  
Miriam and Jacob start to cry a little at the mention of their dad's name.  
  
Sarah hugs Jacob while I hug Miriam, tears welling in my own eyes.  
  
Then people start to eat. The house, a townhouse, looks great.  
  
The entire place is decorated for Hanukkah and there are a few Christmas decorations thrown in also.  
  
One small window menorah has green candles and is wrapped in green holly.  
  
There are lots of foods from potatoes and our dessert consists of jelly donuts and other jelly pastries.  
  
It's festive enough, but a tad subdued since we all feel Matt's absence.  
  
Despite, aching a bit inside, I manage to eat a fair amount.  
  
I see occasional glimpses of sadness in Richard and Rosina's faces and at one point, Rosina and I touch hands.  
  
We get through the meal and wind up playing dreidl in the living room.  
  
I've read about it and Matt told me about it, but I've never played.  
  
Neither have some of the family friends, so Richard explains the game to them.  
  
We play with chocolate pieces and in turns since there are only four sides to a dreidl.  
  
It turns our to be fun...almost like a card game, but with a top like dreidl.  
  
"Matt won the first time he played," Rosina says.  
  
"I remember..." Sarah says. "He looked surprised...I guess he didn't expect to win so soon."  
  
Lots of their other relatives knew Matt, had met him at holiday gatherings.  
  
"Simon...are you going to be all right this Christmas?" asks Felicia, looking at me with concern.  
  
"I think so..." I say softly. "I'll be with my birth dad's family..."  
  
"It'll be good for you to get away, Sarah..." a cousin Steven adds. "Let us know all about the snow in Switzerland..."  
  
"We will..."  
  
"So, Simon...you were adopted or your folks just never married...?" an aunt named Vera queries me. "You'd never met your dad, had you?"  
  
"No...I haven't," I say. This time, it's not as painful mentioning this. Perhaps because I don't have to go into detail about Mom and Eric's lies. "My parents...have never married each other...they're married to other people, though...and I have siblings from each of those marriages."  
  
Somehow, discussing my parentage here and now does not fill me with any sense of shame or stigma.  
  
Such an open, free discussion would have been impossible back with my Glen Oak relatives, especially Mom, Eric. Lucy, Ruthie, or Martin.  
  
"Remember, Mom, the first time I met Dad back when I was fifteen?" another cousin, who's one of Felicia's daughters asks.  
  
Judy, if I remember her name correctly.  
  
"Yes..." Felicia nods as she sips her wine. "You were so surprised Jake works in the same office building as our next door neighbor."  
  
"So...to meeting our dads for the first time..." Judy holds out her wine glass and she and I toast.  
  
It's a few minutes later when we've split into sub-groups after Felicia wins the final dreidl match that Judy and I talk more...Judy tells me a little more about the first time she saw her dad and I tell her more about the Gallaghers.  
  
"They sound like a nice bunch...you're Catholic, you say?" She runs a hand through her long red hair.  
  
"I guess...I grew up with my mom's side of the family in California," I explain. "So I was actually raised Protestant...Mom's husband is a Protestant minister there...in this small town, Glen Oak."  
  
"I bet it's way different from New York," she says.  
  
"It is...everything's so far apart in Glen Oak...you need a car to get to a lot of places...the town's small, so a lot of people know each other...know everyone's business..."  
  
"Thank God I live in Princeton," Judy sips her wine. "I'm very glad to meet you, Simon...Sarah told me much about you..."  
  
"It's a pleasure meeting you...I'm glad I came here..."  
  
"Hey, I hope you weren't uncomfortable with any questions asked about your parents and all," Sarah tells me as we get ready for bed that night.  
  
She and I have guest bedroom across the hall from each other.  
  
Miriam and Jacob are getting ready for sleep in small cots near her bed.  
  
"No.. I wasn't." I put my sheets out, then hug my niece and nephew goodnight.  
  
"Thank you for the presents..." both kids tell me at the same time.  
  
"You're quite welcome," I say, giving them each a kiss. I was glad I was able to get them nice little toys.  
  
"I like your family..." I tell Sarah once the kids have snuggled under their covers. "I feel we can talk about more things than I could with Mom's family."  
  
"That's good," Sarah runs a brush through her hair and sits on the bed.  
  
"I'm getting ready for sleep...see you tomorrow," I say after I hug her goodnight.


	16. Chapter 16

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**  
  
_By_ : CNJ  
  
PG-13  
  
**16**

Christmas is just a week away. I've mailed all the gifts I need to mail, including the kids here and out west.

  
I sent Mom and Eric something and even Lucy and Ruthie small gifts.

Although they've hurt me, I do want them to have a peaceful Christmas.  
  
As I move through the week and get ready to see the Gallagher side of my family and call Deena, Sarah, Karen and Uncle Hank and Aunt Julie, I think about the card I sent Lucy and what I wrote in it...I pleaded with her to think about her step in marrying Martin and how it will affect her kids.  
  
I also asked her to reconsider that if she marries Martin, will there be repercussions from a still-bitter Ruthie and how will that affect Savannah and Rick seeing two of their aunts bitter and angry with each other, especially at Christmas.  
  
Karen told me that Lucy has been on a no-gifts kick for the past two weeks, but she will try to get the gifts I sent to the kids.  
  
That's another thing I put in the card to Lucy...to try to make sure the kids have a peaceful, loving holiday and not let the family tension or Martin ruin that for them.  
  
_Those innocent kids deserve happy memories of this special time of the year_ , I'd concluded.  
  
_And you, as their primary parent, have the power to make this happen_.

 _Despite all that has gone down between us as siblings, I still love you, Luce, and I love the kids_.  
  
I guess I shouldn't have been surprised to see a nasty message from none other than Martin a few days before I leave for my birth dad's place.  
  
I suspect he's using his cell and blocking the number in the hopes that I'd pick up because the number doesn't appear on my cell.  
  
_"Simon..."_ I wince at the snarl and the fact that this is Martin.

 _"Okay, I figured you wouldn't pick up, coward, so I'm gonna tell you on your voicemail and hope you get this_... _just who do you think you are, telling Lucy not to marry me and that I'd mess up her kids? Huh?"_  
  
Martin huffs indignantly. I know I should just delete this message, but can't help listening...I guess I must be a bit of a sufferer after the pledges I made to try to rid my life of the toxicity that has infected the Camden side of my family.  
  
_"Well, listen and listen good, you rotten, immoral punk!"_ Martin fairly screams into the phone. " _You in no way will_ EVER _interfere with Lucy's and my marriage, you hear me?_ _That was low and sneaky, sending that little note to Lucy in a pretty little Christmas card and trashing me in it. And you've really sunk to the lowest level of stinking_ _crassness in using Jesus' birthday as an excuse to pull this latest little dirty stunt of yours!_ "  
  
Something slams in the background and Martin yells something at somebody else.  
  
" _Wow, who are you yelling at this time, Mart?_ " It sounds like Sam in the background.  
  
" _None of your business!_ " Martin shouts at him. " _And you will never call me Mart again and will learn to respect me, you disrespectful, rude little brat! And you will get out_ _of_ _here before I kick your butt!_ " A door slams again.  
  
" _Lucy and I are contending with enough trouble here and we won't have you adding to it, so if you're as smart as you claim to be with all your snot psychobabble talk,_ _you'll stop trying to dictate how we'll raise the kids because you're_ NOT THE EXPERT, SO SHUT UP AND BUTT OUT OF OUR LIVES, FREAK ILLEGITMATE BASTARD!"  
  
Martin clicks off in what I suspect is a phone banging.

I even think I hear a ringing sound.

I'm shaking some, but try to calm down and reassure myself that Martin is far away and I am safe here in New York.

It's late in the evening, so I get ready for sleep.  
  
I leave the bedside lamp on and try to calm my shaking.  
  
Sleep eventually comes to me, but my sleep that night is riddled with nightmares.  
  
In one, Martin is coming after me down a hill with a knife and threatening me.  
  
I wake up with a high-pitched scared little cry, panting and am immensely relieved to be in my room.  
  
I get up and make myself a hot tea.

I take the tea to the hassock in front of the little Christmas tree I have on my small table in the living room.  
  
It's not quite a coffee table, but it's not a full table either.  
  
As I drink, I try to slow my pounding heart by watching the rhythmic blinking of the multicolored lights.  
  
I think I won't be able to go back to sleep that night, but at around four, I find myself drifting off, so I turn off the tree lights and head back to bed, still leaving the bedside lamp on.  
  
After waking up rather late in the morning, I make sure my Amtrak ticket is secure for New Hampshire and finalize plans with Deena for one last dinner before we part for the Christmas holidays.  
  
I will be with the Gallaghers in New Hampshire until December thirtieth, then on the way back, plan to make a pit stop at the Colonel and Grandma Ruth's house.  
  
Aunt Julie has told me that she and Erica plan to be there also.  
  
Deena and I plan to spend New Year's Eve and New Year's Day together.  
  
She's invited me to her place New Year's Eve night where we'll watch DVDs and watch the ball from Times Square drop.  
  
One of these days, we might get a hotel room near there so see it in person, but not this year.  
  
This year, both Deena and I want a quiet, peaceful New Year's holiday to ourselves.  
  
I go to the store for some cheese and cocoa mix.

I plan to make a batch of pudding when I come back from New Hampshire to take to Deena's place, so we have a good dessert we can eat while we watch the movies.  
  
As I am returning, I check my cell and see a message from the Glen Oak house.  
  
My heart pounds in fear as I worry that it may be more abuse from Martin.  
  
I go home just in case, so I won't shake or otherwise display my fear publicly and possibly have a panic attack right in the street.  
  
I cough a few times as I enter my apartment, hang my jacket up and put the cocoa mix and cheese away.  
  
Fearful of an impending asthma attack, I sit and try to relax.  
  
After I take some expectorant, I cough again, this time voluntarily so as to feel for any mucous stuck in my airways.  
  
But it's a dry cough and I only feel a faint hint of tightening of my bronchioles and a slight spasm in my throat, but thankfully, it doesn't turn into an actual attack.  
  
This round of coughing lasts just a few minutes.  
  
I shake my head as I wonder if I will ever learn to live peacefully with asthma and not resent the wheezing spells and this cough that often still bothers me.  
  
I'm still so sorry that breathing into a peak flow meter, puffing inhalers, and taking pills are a regular part of my life...the pills and peak flow meter I'm stuck with daily.  
  
Thank goodness the wheezing episodes are not every frequent...maybe once every few weeks or so. But the coughing is still too often for my comfort.  
  
It's a few hours before I gather the courage to listen to the message.  
  
By then, I've eaten dinner; the overcast, windy day had turned into a frigid, windy night.  
  
Sarah and I have said goodbye to each other until after the New Year comes in.  
  
Sarah lets me talk to the kids and I wish all three of them a safe and peaceful trip and a happy New Year.  
  
Sarah wishes me a happy and safe Christmas with the new branch of my family I've discovered.  
  
"See you next year!" Sarah and the kids chorus.  
  
Laughing a bit, I return the wish before we disconnect.  
  
I'm happy my sister-in-law and my niece and nephew are getting this chance to go on this wonderful getaway to such a beautiful place.  
  
I force myself to listen to the message from Glen Oak primarily because I consider that it's possible that Savannah was able to sneak to the phone and call.  
  
If it is her, I will try to call her through Karen or Lilly's cell phones and have them pass my message on because I don't want to ignore any massages from Savannah.  
  
The message is from Mom. " _Simon_..." she sighs. " _I should have figured you wouldn't pick up._.. _it's Christmas_... _you_ _really_ _should_ _reconsider_ _and give me a_ _break_ _here_... _are_ _you_ _coming_ _home_ _this_ _year_?"  
  
I shake my head.  
  
Mom sighs again. " _It's been years since my whole family has been together_... _Simon, I really wish you'd forgive me and at least talk to me if you won't come home_... _I got Lucy and Martin to move the date to February_... _you know Martin's dad kicked him out of the house, so Martin has no choice but the stay here with us._.. _so moving the wedding up will insure that Lucy and Martin are not living together without being married_... _you know how your father and I feel about living together before marriage_... _I really wish you and Martin would try to get along_... _Martin is good for Lucy_... _he'll be the father that Savannah and Rick desperately need in the house_."  
  
Mom sighs again and pauses.  
  
" _Lord knows your dad has his hands full...he and I have to contend with Kevin's mother being in our way...she has a lot of nerve...she's invited herself here for Christmas...Lilly also has butted in...Lilly's a real nuisance...I'll never forgive your grandfather for bringing her into my life...he had his sin, but he had no right to bring the illegitimate result of that sin into_ MY _life_..." Mom's getting huffy now.  
  
" _Really...the way Lilly just charged into my life and family as if she was invited there...I know you've met Sean and his family...I hope you won't have the brashness to bring Sean and his spawn into my family...you're always welcome here, Simon, but just make sure that Sean and his Gallagher clan know to stay far away...I don't want them in my life._ " Mom pauses.  
  
" _I already have enough going on with Lilly and Karen, not to mention the wedding...Lucy's been getting on everyone's nerves wanting everything her way and Ruthie's no better, constantly complaining about Lucy and Martin...Ruthie also blames me for Martin breaking up with her and getting together with Lucy...she hasn't spoken to me in two weeks...she refuses to speak to Lucy or Martin either_..."  
  
Mom pauses again. " _I'd like to think you'd consider coming home for Christmas day at least...but if that's too much for you, you really should come for the wedding...I know Lucy told you not to come back, but she's wrong and I told her so...it's not her house and she's not paying the rent or any mortgage here...it's still your father's house through the church...in fact, Lucy's been removed from her position as associate pastor, so neither she or Martin are working now_..."  
  
Mom plops something in what sounds like the oven, probably cooking something.  
  
" _Simon_... _it's Christmas, so don't carry this grudge on over this holy time of the birth of Christ...at least call me back...don't do this...don't push me away at Christmas_..." Mom heaves a gustier sigh this time before she disconnects.  
  
I think I hear Martin's voice in the background, but am not sure.  
  
I also discover that my brows are tight and there are tears on my face.  
  
Oh, Mom, I silently wail. Just what does she want from me?  
  
Well, whatever it is, I just can't give that to her and probably won't be able to for a long time and definitely not this Christmas.  
  
The side effect of Mom's message is more nighttime brooding about the sorry mess back in Glen Oak with more nightmares for an icing.  
  
In one, I am at Lucy and Martin's wedding at Eric's church.  
  
Sam and David are the two ring bearers.  
  
Both Lucy and Martin start their vows, but turn and verbally attack everyone in the church, saying horrible things.  
  
Martin glares at me and starts saying awful things about me and calls me a murderer, illegitimate, and "promiscuous trash."  
  
I cringe and turn bright red. Sam and David turn and laugh loudly at me.

I turn redder until I am ready to faint.  
  
Another nightmare in a row involves the kids...I am clutching a large Christmas tree with toys in it and standing below a window of a house, but not the Glen Oak house.  
  
I don't know where this house is, but it's lit from the inside and Savannah and Rick are calling for help, crying.  
  
I start to move to help them and tell them to jump into the Christmas tree, which will break their fall.  
  
They are scared, but Savannah calls that she loves me and wants to be with me.  
  
It breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes.  
  
I hold up the tree and tell them to jump, so they can be safe.  
  
I also tell them they can also have the toys in the tree.  
  
There is a lot of screaming and commotion from inside the house and I hear one of the twins coming upstairs.  
  
_Come on, jump_ , I plead, scared for the kids. _They're coming after you!_  
  
Savannah's face is streaked with tears and she starts to jump, taking Rick with her, but I am abruptly bowled out of the way by Lucy, who glares down at me.  
  
_How did you get out here so fast?_ I squeak.  
  
_I have eagle vision for all immorality and sin, Simon Illegitimate Spawn, so get out of here!_ Lucy screams at me. _And take that Pagan tree with you...we don't celebrate winter or the Yuletide here!_  
  
I see she has the kids in a big gray plastic trash bag.  
  
To my horror, she pulls a twist tie out of her pocket and seals the bag closed with the kids trapped inside.  
  
_No, don't do that_! I plead and start to cry.  
  
_Don't tell me how to raise_ MY _kids!_ Lucy snipes, then walks away.  
  
I see Martin in the distance. They kiss and the sight sickens me.  
  
I am about to throw up when I jolt awake, my heart pounding, sweat dampening my neck, and my hands shaking.  
  
I turn on the lamp once again and again try to calm myself down.  
  
I really don't plan to return the Camden calls because I don't want more nightmares.  
  
I'd rather not go mad over Christmas, not when I am getting to know my other family. I'd like to be sane for the Gallaghers.  
  
I am so glad I'm seeing Deena tonight and am heading to New Hampshire tomorrow.  
  
Deena and I eat at an Irish place, then walk around the storefront area nearest to her apartment and look at all the holiday lights.  
  
At one point, we take the train over to the Rockefeller Center and look at the trees and menorah there.  
  
"Last year, we got a few inches of snow here...I wonder if we'll get any this year for the holidays," Deena says as we get off the train and walk back to her apartment in the windy night.  
  
"Me too," I say as I gaze up and down the street and toward Central Park.  
  
We pass one of the several Salvation Army Santas on the way.  
  
We each drop coins in the little red kettles and bid them happy holidays.  
  
As we walk, our pace is slow and I wish this night wouldn't end.  
  
I can tell Deena is enjoying this night also.  
  
Her hair blows in my direction, brushing my face, but I don't try to push it away. It's long and rather silky.  
  
As we walk into her building, we take each others' hands and walk up the stairs slowly, enjoying each others' touch and warmth.  
  
It's almost as if we were back in middle school.  
  
We enter and sit on her bed and still hold on to each other...then move closer and closer until we're kissing...first briefly, then a long kiss.  
  
I'm not sure how long the kiss lasts, but by the time we part for air, we are lying down on her bed, panting slightly and a couple of my shirt buttons are undone. I realize that my face is very flushed.  
  
"Oooh, wow, this feels good...it's been so long," Deena says softly.  
  
"Yeah..." I say.  
  
She runs her hand through my hair and we lie there for a long minute and listen to the traffic, distant holiday music, and wind outside.  
  
"Want to have the fire going?" Deena asks.  
  
She has an electronic fireplace right in the bedroom. I nod, so she gets up and lights it with a push of a few keys in the wall beside it.  
  
"Perfect...cozy," I say.  
  
"I know what would make it even cozier..." Deena says. "Hot chocolate...want some?"  
  
"Sure..." I agree.  
  
We go into the kitchen and she prepares the cups, then we carry them back into the bedroom, sit in front of the fireplace and sip, occasionally putting our arms around each other.  
  
A warmth and security I haven't felt in a long, long time seeps over me and I find this week's nightmares and the Glen Oak demons of my past losing its hold on me.  
  
Somehow, being with this wonderful young woman and the anticipation of re-meeting my other, healthier family weakens the toxic hold Mom, Eric, my sisters, and Martin had on me.  
  
"Hey, Simon, take a look at this!" Deena calls from her laptop where she is checking her e-mails a bit later.  
  
We're sitting on her bed with the fire still on.  
  
I put my book down and sit up to take a look.  
  
At first, I wonder what it significant in the LA Times article about a couple that took off on the bride's parents while the parents were still planning the wedding.  
  
But the words Glen Oak leap out at me and I begin reading hastily and recognize Lucy and Martin's names in there.  
  
I gasp. "They...took off on Mom and Eric," I whisper in disbelief, my brows shooting up.  
  
"It sounds like they eloped," Deena says and points further down to where it indicates that Lucy had left a message with Mom and Eric that she and Martin were now in Hawaii.  
  
Had they eloped in Hawaii or had they done it in Glen Oak? I wonder.  
  
"Ohhh..." I gasp and sink back after reading that article. "I know Mom is not happy about this...she and Eric wanted to orchestrate their wedding..."  
  
"I wonder how they managed to afford that and where they're staying in Hawaii," Deena ponders.  
  
The article does not say, but it does hint that Beau Brewer was over at Mom and Eric's, possibly right this minute and they were having it out.  
  
"The lack of responsible parenting shown by Reverend and Annie Camden is now coming to a head," says Beau Brewer, the father of the groom to the press, "Their daughter has always been flighty, immature, and impulsive and the Camdens have been blind to it. Maybe this will be their wake-up call," the article concludes.  
  
_The Reverend Eric Camden, who is the father of the bride and four other children, counters that it was Beau who forced his own son, Martin out of the Brewer home and onto the Camden doorstep_.  
  
"I am so, so glad I'm not there anymore," I say softly.  
  
My stomach is churning and my face flushes once again as I feel embarrassed for this side of my family.  
  
I notice also that the article says four other children.  
  
I guess that means the twins and Ruthie and Mary.  
  
I wonder if they even remember Matt anymore.  
  
I am not Eric's son, something maybe Eric is finally admitting to.  
  
"I'm also glad you're not entangled in that mess anymore either," Deena strokes my back.  
  
Deena and I wind up spending the night together at her place, then I see her off at the train station.  
  
We kiss goodbye among all the other rushing passengers and the Christmas chaos and decorations.  
  
We're a bit early, so we don't have to rush.  
  
In fact, we have time to have a quick breakfast before we kiss one last time.  
  
"Have a wonderful, merry Christmas," I tell her as we walk toward the security gate.  
  
"You too," Deena says. "I'm happy for you that you finally get to meet your other family."  
  
"See you in a few days..." We call simultaneously as Deena heads for the gate.  
  
I watch until she disappears into the line and through the gate.  
  
My own train doesn't leave until later in the afternoon, so I go home and finish packing, call Rose, Sandy, her boys, and Rochelle to wish them a happy Christmas, let the manager of my apartment know that I will be away for a few days, wish her a merry Christmas also and catch the subway back to the station.  
  
The crowd has grown even more, which is not surprising at this time of the year.  
  
I don't have a bag big enough that needs to be checked in, so I just carry my one overnight bag with me.  
  
As I go through the line, I gaze at the large, bushy Christmas tree in the center of the station and at the white lights glimmering on it.  
  
The time of light in the winter darkness, I think.  
  
Christmas trees stand so tall and dignified.  
  
They are a sort of peace beacon in all the turmoil that has happened throughout the year.  
  
No more calls have come from any of my Glen Oak family, thank God.  
  
But I do hope all of them...Mom, Eric, Ruthie, the twins, and Martin and Lucy find some way of peace in the chaos of their lives.  
  
I still can't stop worrying about Lucy's kids, especially since Martin and Lucy have now eloped, rushing too quickly into an ill-thought-out marriage that I fear will bring only more unhappiness for all of my west coast family.  
  
I try to console myself with the knowledge that Karen and Lilly are looking out for them and will be able to temper Martin and Lucy's craziness.  
  
My thoughts wander to Mary and Joseph finding that inn and being shown that barn, and yet, despite that their lives were chaotic, political disorder was reigning, they had a peace between them and Mary had Jesus quietly right there among all the turmoil.  
  
It's something Eric's church never really taught that clearly.  
  
All that many churches do is give a rosy, watered-down version of the Nativity.  
  
I've heard from the Gallaghers and various Catholic friends of mine that Mary is honored very deeply in many Catholic groups.  
  
I wish she were more honored in Eric's church and other Christian faiths.  
  
Despite the turmoil that often cropped up in her life, she forged ahead with getting done what needed to be done, including raising Jesus.  
  
I cannot imagine being a parent to such a remarkable, controversial being.  
  
It's interesting also that here Eric's church and Lucy, Martin, Mom, and Ruthie loudly condemn non-marital births, yet in a way Jesus' birth could have been considered non-marital.  
  
I recently read somewhere that in fact, some people wanted to execute Mary as an "adulteress" since Joseph was not the technical dad and they had not yet married.  
  
People were so narrow-minded then. It's rather sad that even today, many people haven't changed much.  
  
The line moves fairly quickly and within a half hour, I am on the train early and ready to spend Christmas with this other family.  
  
"Simon...Simon..." I hear Gena call when I get through the gate toward the exit. There she is with Sean and Linda and all of them are waving me over.  
  
"Hello!" I call, heading over to them. We hug in a foursome. It feels so good being in their arms.  
  
"Micheal and Erin should be here tomorrow...Linda's just finished her finals and came last night," Gena tells me. "Also you'll meet both of our mothers...your birth paternal grandmother, Bridget and your step-grandmother, Kiera...my sister and her two teenagers are coming tonight...you'll like them..."  
  
Gena and Sean have told me about Gena's younger sister, Claire and her two kids, Harry, who is seventeen and Kathleen, who is fifteen.  
  
As we step back and head out of the station, I see bits of snow clinging to their jackets.  
  
"You have snow now?" I ask.  
  
"We sure do..." Gena tells me.  
  
My breath pulls as we step outside and I see what she means.  
  
In fact, a light snow is coming down right now.  
  
It looks like a few inches of snow and it's definitely colder than in New York City.  
  
It's beautiful, especially as a backdrop for all the holiday decorations.  
  
Even the large wreath at the top of the station entrance is trimmed with snow.  
  
Gena drives and I see the roads are clear and lots of cars are still out and about, despite the snow.  
  
"You all are used to the snow every year?" I ask.  
  
"We are..." Sean tells me with a smile. "Some years, though we get only about seven or so inches while other years we get several feet."  
  
"Wow...it's like the mountains back in California," I say.  
  
"Did you or your family back west ever ski there?" Linda asks.  
  
"We did when I was little...I loved it..." I tell them. "But after a few years, we stopped...I don't know why unless it was because two of my sisters and my mom didn't like the cold."  
  
"I wonder why...I guess if the roads aren't clear and you have to drive...or there's ice, which we sometimes get here," Sean says.  
  
"There's this one girl in my dorm who doesn't like winter," Linda says. "She's complained about the snow and cold all week...says she wants to transfer someplace south like Georgia, but her parents won't let her...they're from Kentucky, but Kentucky sometimes gets cold."  
  
It's growing dark, so Gena turns on the high beams until we get deeper into the city where they live.  
  
Concord is a moderately-sized city and well-lit with an active night life also.  
  
The snow is still coming down, but mixed with a bit of rain.  
  
It looks so pretty kind of dancing in front of the headlights and streetlights.  
  
People are out and walking with mounds of colorful shopping bags.  
  
Here, like in New York, Salvation Army Santas ring bells for donations and decorations line almost every store front and building.  
  
"Simon...how're you feeling...is your asthma under better control now?" Gena asks. They know about my asthma.  
  
"Mostly...I still cough sometimes...but I haven't had any attacks since that time early in the month."  
  
"That's good," Gena says. "I don't know if I've told you, but Kathleen, my niece has asthma and so did an uncle of mine and two cousins...it's inherited, you know."  
  
I am rather relieved and feel less alone to hear this...and it cements my bond to this branch of the family more. I wonder if Kathleen is bothered by a chronic cough like I am.  
  
"Wow...thanks for letting me know...I've heard about its hereditary nature...now it explains things because no one in my Glen Oak family going way back ever had it...I used to wonder if I was some freak of stray genes..."  
  
The others chuckle softly and I have to smile myself.  
  
"Well, the stray genes have found their way home," Sean quips as we pull up to a two-story, pleasant house.  
  
There is a huge wreath on the door and I see the silhouette of a Christmas tree in a window that I assume is to the living room.  
  
By then, it's completely dark. Gena parks in the garage and we go inside, entering a large, but cozy kitchen.  
  
"Welcome to our home, Simon," Gena says and hugs me.  
  
I look around, still in a wonder at meeting my birth dad and being in the home of this newly re-acquainted branch of my family...one neither Mom or her side of the family is likely to ever meet.  
  
A pang of sadness washes over me at this, but it fades as I watch Linda, Sean, and Gena light up all the decorations, including the tree, which not only has multi-colored blinking lights, but a lovely Nativity set underneath it.  
  
It's my younger sister, Linda who shows me around the house.  
  
It's a nice place, not too big and not too small.  
  
The first floor is the kitchen, living room, foyer, bathroom, den, and a computer and game room.  
  
Upstairs is several bedrooms and two bathrooms as well as several closets.  
  
Linda shows me the room next to the one she's sleeping in while she's here, the one that will be my guest room while I am here.  
  
"I'm so glad you're here, Simon," she tells me, giving me a hug. "We always felt there was somebody missing from our family...my parents, Micheal, Erin, and I...we never could put a finger on it...then when Shirley called telling us about you, it was a miracle...an unarticulated wish that came true..."  
  
"I'm so glad I met all of you..." I say, my throat a bit tight.  
  
We sit on the bed, our silver eyes mirroring each other...our similar faces...finally a face like mine.  
  
We even now have the same glimmer of tears in our eyes and we hug again, happy to be re-united at last.  
  
I do get to meet Kiera and Bridget as well as Claire and her family later that night.  
  
"So this is our long-lost nephew!" Claire crows when she sees me.  
  
"Hi…merry Christmas...I'm Simon..." I reach out my hand for her to shake, but she envelopes me in a huge hug.  
  
I hug back. She's an inch shorter than I am.  
  
I also meet Harry, who's tall and has the same honey-blond hair as Linda and me.  
  
Kathleen has straight, jet-black hair and blue eyes.  
  
She has acne on her chin because of her age and a freckled upturned nose like me, however.  
  
She also hugs me while Harry slaps my back and guffaws heartily.  
  
At first, I wonder where they are all going to sleep, but it turns out that the two mothers are staying in Sean and Gena's bedroom while Gena and Sean sleep in the alcove just adjacent to it.  
  
Claire and her kids are setting up in the basement, which is built almost like an apartment with a bath and beds and all. There's even a microwave down there.  
  
It's a chaotic, but in a wonderful way, for a while with bantering, back-slapping, and milling about...the Gallaghers ask me some questions, just getting-to-know-me kind of questions.  
  
I tell them a little about my new career and a bit about where I grew up.  
  
Then Sean suggests we order take-out and asks if anyone wants to play movie charades.  
  
It's Chinese take-out and Gena, Kathleen, and I go to retrieve the food.  
  
"You look like Linda..." Kathleen tells me, peering at my face. "Is it true your mom's husband was a Protestant minister?"  
  
"Yes...he had a small church in Glen Oak," I say.  
  
"So how many other siblings did you have in Glen Oak...I heard you had a lot...are they all from your mom and Eric?"  
  
"Yeah...there were seven of us," I tell her. "Three brothers and three sisters...I was the middle one."  
  
"Mom told me you have asthma also," Kathleen tells me.

I nod. "Me too...it runs in our family...does it ever bother you?"

"Yes, it does," I say softly. "I was diagnosed a year and a half ago...I wonder if I'll ever get used to it."  
  
"It'll take time," Gena tells us.  
  
Once we bring the food back, we play the charades game for several hours in front of the living room fire.   
  
It's lots of fun and we laugh a lot. I myself laugh more than I have in a long time.  
  
If it hadn't been for Sarah and Matt, I would have forgotten how pleasurable it is to spend time with wonderful family members.  
  
I feel as if I've been reunited with a long-lost homeworld.

It's the next afternoon when Nigel calls. Micheal and Erin are here now...and I am now in my guest room, wrapping a few last-minute gifts.  
  
Nigel and I wish each other a merry Christmas, then Nigel tells me good news...Keesha and her partner landed back in the States last night and are now the moms of two adorable girls...one is two and the other is three and a half.  
  
"Congratulations!" I crow, happy for them. "I bet your parents are thrilled..."  
  
"They are..." Nigel says. "They're over there now...Lynn and I came just this afternoon...John and Priscilla are here also...the girls were a bit shy at first, but are laughing in delight over their new family...speaking of families, how are things with yours there?"  
  
I tell him about the great re-union and about meeting other relatives.  
  
"They're great people...I hope you can meet them one day...Linda and I look alike...she and I have Dad's hair and nose...Gena's been fantastic also...she's really welcomed me with open arms..."  
  
We talk about things we're doing over Christmas, including the midnight Mass I will be attending tonight with this side of the family.  
  
"You'll love it..." Nigel says. "Catholic churches are very pretty on the inside as well...at Christmas, they go all out with candles and everything...I went once with a friend of mine who was Catholic."  
  
"Do they really pass out little bread pieces that look like white wafers?" I ask.  
  
"They do...but they call it communion…it's something to do with Jesus' death and sacrifice...it's very flat..."  
  
I've visited Catholic churches, but have never actually attended an actual Mass.  
  
I guess tonight, I will find out what one is like.  
  
Nigel and I bid each other Merry Christmas one last time before we disconnect.  
  
It's nine in the evening when we leave for the Midnight Mass.  
  
It's a beautiful winter night...clear and a bit windy, but not too much.  
  
A clear silver moon lights the way and I pull my breath in wonder as the moon and the Christmas lights illuminate the church.  
  
Catholic churches are really pretty, I think as we pass various statues of saints and bible figures going in.  
  
There are lots of people there, everyone dressed up.  
  
The church is dimly lit, mostly by candles and low side lights. It's a little spooky.  
  
At first, I think I will feel strange being in a church service after dark, but I realize it doesn't. It feels sort of familiar.  
  
The pews are longer than at Eric's church, but still very similar.  
  
The altar is more ornate with a huge painting of Mary.  
  
The Christmas decorations, especially the red and green candles take my breath away and make the church even lovelier.  
  
I walk close to one set of candles, watching them flicker and feel a sense of peace start to flow through me.  
  
The candles seem to watch me with their little points of light, bobbing and glimmering as if to soothe me. It's a delightful sight.  
  
As a backdrop for the candles, I see a dimly lit statue of Mary, standing tall and dignified.  
  
Something about the way she is honored here causes me to instinctively kneel down on the padded pad near the floor.  
  
Mary and I seem to watch each other for a long minute.  
  
I know it is only a statue, but something about it causes me to briefly place my hand on my head, then my abdomen, then both of my shoulders in a gesture of a cross, bow my head, and say a quiet prayer, hoping that Mary somewhere in heaven, can hear my prayer.  
  
I don't voice this prayer out loud, but my lips move and I fold my hands outward.  
  
I pray for peace in the Glen Oak side of my family; I pray that all kids can grow up in a safe, sane environment as I think of Savannah, Rick, and Kaylee.  
  
I also send a silent prayer to Matt's soul and hope that his soul is safe and happy...I also add a silent prayer for the rest of the Glasses this holiday season and hope they are having a safe holiday.  
  
My prayer goes on to hope that I can find permanent peace within myself and learn from whatever mistakes I've made and move forward.  
  
I pray that my budding relationship with Deena will grow and flourish into something good for both of us.  
  
I pray for God and Mary to grant me the strength to deal with whatever hurdles life throws my way, whether it's with my Glen Oak family or the demons within me or with my pain over Matt's death.  
  
I know that eventually I will have to deal with all of those issues sooner or later.  
  
The prayer includes a plea for the strength to deal more courageously with the asthma I am afflicted with.  
  
I know neither God or Mary will ever magically cure this asthma, but I can hope to be stronger in dealing with this disease.  
  
Adding on to all this is the wish that I can continue to build a magnificent new relationship with this family, the Gallaghers, that I have just re-united with.  
  
I end the prayer with a silent thanks to Mary for overseeing this re-union.  
  
The Mass is about to begin, so I reluctantly stand and head to the pew where my family is sitting.  
  
Glancing back at the statue, I add a silent thanks that Christmas has finally arrived.


	17. Chapter 17

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**  
  
_By_ : CNJ  
  
PG-13  
  
**17**

Christmas Day. It dawns with a light snow.

I awaken as it is getting light outside and see the tiny snowflakes floating past my window.

It seems so surreal that Christmas Day is actually here and that I've made it with my sanity intact with all that's happened this fall and winter.  
  
I feel a dull ache when I think of Matt, but I am relieved that now the pain is not as intense.  
  
Somehow, I am not surprised that I am here in New Hampshire, thousands of miles away from Glen Oak.  
  
Glen Oak seems like a distant memory now, almost like a remembered dream of the past.  
  
"Merry Christmas, Simon," Linda peers in, seeing that I am awake.  
  
"Merry Christmas, Linda." I sit up and pat the bed for her to come in and sit. She does.  
  
"I love it when it snows for Christmas," Linda says as we look outside at the snow with the sky growing lighter.  
  
"It's beautiful," I add.  
  
"Growing up, we used to be up early way before it was light out, light the fire and open presents," Linda tells me. "Mom and Dad always had one small gift that they didn't open right away. We'd beg to see what it was, but they would smile mysteriously and tell us that we'd find out one Christmas and stow it away in some secret place. Micheal and Erin would poke around the closets trying to at least see where they'd hidden it, but never could find it."  
  
"I'd like to see what it looks like if they have it this year again...who knows, maybe I can help poke around and see where it is...what's it look like wrapped?"  
  
"It's usually a square or rectangle small thing...different color of paper every year...last year it was blue with silver stripes."  
  
We watch the snow for a while silently as it grows lighter.  
  
It's almost nine and we hear others stirring from their beds and other murmurs and chirps of Merry Christmas.  
  
I even hear somebody moving about in the kitchen and smell tea beginning to brew.  
  
"Haaaaappy Christmas, kids!" Harry booms from the door.  
  
He's wearing a big red and green silk elf cap that makes us both laugh.  
  
"Happy Christmas," we say back.  
  
Harry bounds in and gives us both huge hugs and together the three of us head downstairs.  
  
"Merry Christmas!" the others greet us.  
  
We do a lot of hugging. Gena and Sean bring hot chocolate and pancakes in from the kitchen.  
  
A fire is going in the fireplace and there is a multi-colored pile of gifts under the tree.  
  
As Gena and Sean start handing out the gifts, we sit in various places on the couch, chairs and floor.  
  
I myself have added a few gifts, mostly gift cards and gifts baskets.  
  
Kathleen and I wind up next to each other on the floor in front of the fireplace.  
  
She has four earrings in different Christmas shapes and colors.  
  
The Gallaghers also have some gifts for me, to my pleasant surprise.  
  
There's a Barnes and Noble gift card, a CD of a New Age group I like, an ipod, and a couple of more gift cards to name some.  
  
We open things slowly over the course of the morning, taking our time and thanking one another.  
  
Since we had gone to church last night, we're in no hurry to rush off to church today...different than my Glen Oak family.  
  
I smile a bit sadly as I remember that in my childhood, the Christmases were fairly happy, especially when Matt was alive and before Ruthie and I grew so far apart...we'd get up early to open our gifts, but there would be this rush since Dad wanted us to go to church right on Christmas Day.  
  
It's nice now that here in my New Hampshire family, we had Christmas Eve to honor Christ and to honor Mary and celebrate the Nativity...then today, we can use all day today to honor and love our family and friends.  
  
Now I know what people mean when they say Christmas is a true family holiday.  
  
I can only hope my Glen Oak family finds enough peace this day to celebrate as a family.  
  
For today, my hopes are that they can rise above their squabbles and grudges against one another for just this one day if not any other day and make this Christmas Day peaceful, especially for the kids' sakes, if not their own.  
  
It's almost noon and almost all of our gifts are open and there's all this new stuff scattered about the living room when Gena gets up and heads down to the basement, telling us that she will be back in a minute.  
  
I wonder if she has even more gifts for people. She's already given so much to all of us.  
  
She comes back with a series of small boxes in a little basket.  
  
Linda and I look at one another, knowing that it's the gifts she mentioned this morning.  
  
"Sean and I have been saving these for when our family was finally complete..." she tells us and looks over and smiles at me.  
  
She passes the little boxes out to each of us.  
  
Silently, we open them. I hear several gasps and murmurs as the others open little photo albums.  
  
I myself feel my eyes well with tears as I see a small album with pictures of our family, including myself.  
  
Some of the pictures are of when we were small, including myself.  
  
"How did you...?" I quiver.  
  
"Your brother and Sarah had pictures of you growing up and sent copies to us, so we could finally complete our family album...and now that you've come back to us, we finally have."  
  
"Oh...Gena...Dad..." I start to cry and stand up to hug them both.  
  
"Welcome to our family, son," Sean hugs me, his own eyes damp.  
  
A few others wipe their eyes. I walk around and hug everyone, touched.  
  
This is the best gift I've ever received. It's as if a final piece of an incomplete puzzle in my life has finally snapped into place.  
  
It's a mostly quiet, peaceful day. Sean and Gena go into the kitchen to bake something called Cornish hens.  
  
They're tiny little chickens that look like miniature turkeys. I've never had one.  
  
Most of the others are either reading or watching a holiday movie in the den.  
  
I meander about the house a bit before drifting into the kitchen where Kathleen is with Sean and Gena, chatting with them.  
  
I make a salad while Kathleen puts together a chocolate mouse pie with a frosting red Christmas tree on top.  
  
"One things with the hens..." Sean tells us. "They're much easier to make than the turkey or duck."  
  
He puts the loaded tray of hens into the oven and sets the timer for two hours.  
  
The snow has stopped outside, but it's still overcast. Soon it'll be growing dark.  
  
Three little kids are sledding in the snow at the house next door to us.  
  
Gena strokes my back gently in a maternal way and I lean into her and we watch the kids for a few minutes.  
  
"My grandparents on Eric's side...Grandma Ruth and the Colonel...sometimes we used to visit them for Christmas and sometimes Buffalo had snow...us kids would sled like that," I softly tell Gena. "I hope Sarah and my niece and nephew are having a good time in the snow in Europe."  
  
"Just like your three siblings here," she smiles at me. "This past month and a half, we were so worried about you...how you found out about us...then you coping with losing Matt...all that was going on in Glen Oak...I'm so glad you made it to us...it makes me so, so happy that you're here."  
  
"Thanks...I'm glad I'm here also," I say softly.  
  
"Interested in a game of Uno?" Harry pokes his head into the kitchen.  
  
"Sure..." I say and Gena nods.  
  
We head into the living room and play a few rounds.  
  
I get up to go to the bathroom at one point.  
  
Re-joining the table, I feel my wallet dangling close to falling out of my jeans pocket, so I push it back. As I do so, something falls out.  
  
I lean over to pick it up and see it is a picture of me with Mom arm-in-arm.  
  
I'd liked that picture since it was a moment Mom and I had felt close...it was when I was around twelve or so.  
  
Slowly sitting again, I can't help gazing at the picture.  
  
Mom, the woman who gave birth to me through Sean.  
  
Seeing Mom's face causes a strong surge of emotions to well up inside of me...love for her...missing her warm moments...remembered hurt at the times she withdrew that love...remembered fear at the times she'd give me that icy stare that terrified me into towing the line and pleasing her...feeling misled by the lies she and Eric told me over the years.  
  
The rest of my family here has slowed their game and are watching me.  
  
My attempt to hold back the tears fails spectacularly.  
  
Gena and Sean come over and put their arms around me as I sob softly for a few minutes.  
  
I'm embarrassed at creating a scene here, but the others murmur words of comfort...they see the picture of Mom and without their saying it out loud, they get my pain.  
  
It takes a few minutes for me to slow my crying and put the picture back into my pocket.  
  
It will hurt for a long time when I look at it...I suspect I'll need a few years to completely heal.  
  
"S-sorry about that..." My voice is still thick and choked with sobs.  
  
"It's all right..." Sean gives me another hug. "You needed to cry."  
  
We go on playing and I feel myself growing calmer, even though the tears remain in my eyes for a while longer.  
  
Dinner is in the kitchen on a long table.

It's a good thing the kitchen is so large because we can all fit after Sean puts in the additional plank to lengthen the table.  
  
The Cornish hens are terrific. So's the other food.  
  
By the time we get done, we're stuffed and lean back in our chairs talking for a long while.  
  
It's lots of things we talk about and one topic slides into another...elections...various political systems in various countries...why the States is still so far behind on national health care...illnesses...emotional health...doctors...careers...life choices and why people wind up in certain careers...personalities...psychology to name some things.  
  
It's more than my Glen Oak family ever talked about, more varied and open.  
  
There aren't the rigid edicts that Mom and Eric clung to and tried to impose on their family.  
  
After I call Grandma Ruth and the Colonel, then Heather and Shana wishing them a happy Christmas, my New Hampshire family and I wind down Christmas Day watching two DVD's... _The Nativity_ and _Last Holiday_.


	18. Chapter 18

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**  
  
_By_ : CNJ  
  
PG-13  
  
**18**

Most of the few days after Christmas are fairly uneventful.

  
pI spend those days getting to know my other family members, several nights, all of us sled outside, and we watch movies...the mundane.  
  
After all that has happened this fall, mundane feels good.  
  
Although I have only begun to know this side of the family, I feel at home here.  
  
The day before Micheal, Erin and I leave, we take a family portrait...one with extended family and another with the immediate members of Sean and Gena's family...Sean, Gena, Micheal, Erin, me, and Linda.  
  
Linda and I are seated on the couch while Sean and Gena stand behind us and Micheal and Erin stand on the ends of the couch. Each of us gets a copy of the picture.  
  
It wraps up too quickly for all of us and it's Claire who gives me a ride to the train station.  
  
Linda comes along and we hug near the entrance.  
  
It feels so good to have family again. Linda and I hug for a long time.  
  
"E-mail me soon," she says.  
  
"I will..." I say. "And I'll call...bye for now."  
  
Slowly I pick up my bag and head into the train, turning and waving goodbye.  
  
Linda and Claire wave also until I disappear from their sight.  
  
I get to the platform for Buffalo an hour early and call Grandma and the Colonel to let them know that I am on the way.  
  
It's George who answers. "Simon...hi!" he crows once I say hello.  
  
"Hello, George...how was your Christmas?"  
  
"Good...they're happy with the file organizer you gave them...how was yours with your dad?"  
  
I tell him about the Gallaghers and what swell people they are.  
  
George tells me that the Colonel called the Glen Oak house and that Lucy and Martin indeed eloped.  
  
"So I read..." I say. "How're the others taking this?"  
  
"It's been a wild week there...Annie went ballistic the night Lucy and Martin ran off...turns out Martin took his dad's credit card and racked that up...they drove to Vegas and got their wedding done there...then used the credit card to fly to Hawaii for their honeymoon, booking a place at Four Seasons."  
  
I gasp. "That place is expensive."  
  
"It is...and guess who they ran into there..."  
  
"Who?" I say, half-dreading the answer.  
  
"Mary and Kevin...they got married a couple of weeks ago and were staying at some nearby hotel...what a coincidence, huh?"  
  
"It is..." I say.  
  
"I actually called again there myself...oh, hey, Karen Kinkirk says it's great what you've done for the kids...they really don't need to be in that mess...speaking of mess, from what I heard, Lucy and Mary got into a huge fight because it made Lucy jealous to see Mary so happy with Kevin...then Martin got mad and jealous...after Kevin and Mary went back to their own hotel, Lucy and Martin went back to Four Seasons and got into this huge screaming match right in the hotel lobby."  
  
"Oh, God, no..." I breathe.  
  
"Yeah...and they wound up getting kicked out of the hotel...this was on Christmas Eve...also, Mr. Brewer's card was maxed out anyway, so they weren't able to pay for that night anyway and the card was ten thousand dollars..."  
  
"Oh, my God...so how did they deal with this mess?" I shake my head at the mind-boggling scrapes those two manage to get themselves into.  
  
"In typical Lucy fashion...she called Daddy to bail her out...Eric flew out there on Christmas morning...he and Annie were fighting all week anyway and Annie didn't want him to go on Christmas, but he went anyway...he got there and picked them up and flew them straight back that same day...brought them back home on Christmas afternoon...Annie and Lucy got into a big yelling match...Eric and Martin got into a fight also."  
  
"What a lousy way to spend Christmas..." I say. "I hope the kids weren't there to witness..."  
  
"Don't worry, Savannah and Rick weren't...they were at Lily's house with Karen...Karen took them over there Christmas Eve...didn't bring them back until two days after Christmas once she'd heard about all the commotion at the parsonage."  
  
"So Mary and Kevin are married now?" I ask.  
  
"That's right...they're living in LA now."  
  
"Wow...that's a lot to happen...they didn't have a good holiday..." I wonder why they won't deal with their issues…get counseling.  
  
I'm starting counseling for myself in January once my career starts.  
  
I'll be seeing my therapist on Monday evenings after work for the next few months.  
  
I know I still have a lot of inner demons to battle myself.  
  
"No, they didn't, I guess...but they brought that mess on themselves...I'm also glad Karen and Lily had the kids...I'm glad Kaylee's in a good home now."  
  
"Have you heard about how Ruthie and the twins are...how are they dealing with all this?" I ask.  
  
"The twins bicker nonstop from what I hear...you were there when Sam got into trouble for that knife incident..."  
  
"Yeah...I was..." I remember that traumatic night all too well. "It was Savannah who called me that night...she was so scared..."  
  
"And Ruthie actually moved out of there a few days before Christmas...she moved into some apartment with four guys...she and her parents got into a huge fight and from what I heard, Annie basically kicked Ruthie out of the house after Ruthie slapped Lucy in a huge fight with her...Martin came running up and yelled at Ruthie...Eric and Annie jumped in...and that's when they blamed the whole thing on Ruthie and ordered her out of their house."  
  
"Oh, my God...I'm glad Ruthie has a place to stay...is she working...do you know?"  
  
"I think she is...some sales clerk job in the mall...I'm not sure what it is..."  
  
"Thank God for small things..." I wonder who the guys are that she's living with.  
  
Most likely, I don't know them. Ruthie and I have been growing apart for so many years and it's like we don't know each other, not the way we did when we were young.  
  
"Hey, George...it's good chatting with you...my train is coming, so I'll see you in a couple of hours, all right?"  
  
"Sure...see you soon." We click off and I head to my train.  
  
Once I'm at Grandma and the Colonel's house, I hug all of them. There's snow here also, almost as much as in New Hampshire.  
  
Looking around, I feel a momentary queasiness at the memories of the last time I was here in early November...when most of hell broke loose...and I found out about the lie my life had been.  
  
It's over, I remind myself. Mom, Eric, Lucy, Martin, the twins, and Ruthie are not here now.  
  
There're no more secrets and lies to jump out at me and shock me, leaving me upset and shaken.  
  
I no longer have to hide under beds, fearful for my sanity.  
  
"Are you all right, dear?" Grandma Ruth asks as she puts an arm around me. "You look a bit pale and your eyes are still a bit haunted."  
  
"I will be...it's just that..."  
  
"The memories," the Colonel chimes in. "It's been a long autumn for all of us."  
  
"You can say that again...I'm so glad your heart is better, Grandpa," I say as we head into the kitchen.  
  
I feel my tension relax as the smell of ginger cookies wafts through the house.  
  
As we sit and have a snack, I tell my grandparents, George, Aunt Julie and Erica about the Gallaghers and how swell they are.  
  
They in turn tell me about their Christmas.  
  
"And look what Santa brought me...a bike..." Erica points toward the hall closet where a nice-looking dark metallic blue bike sits.  
  
"It looks wonderful...I know you'll have a great time with it," I tell her.  
  
"I take it you heard about what's been going on back in Glen Oak," Grandma Ruth takes a sip of her coffee.  
  
"Yeah...it's pretty awful back there...I'm glad Savannah and Rick were with their grandmother and aunt on Christmas," I say, sitting back down.  
  
"Agreed..." the Colonel sits back. "And I'm relieved you've gotten away from there...that's one battle you don't need to be dragged into...they're taking no-holds barred anyone in the crossfire of their wars."  
  
"And ever since Lucy was let go from the church, Eric's been at war with the church pastors..." Aunt Julie adds.  
  
"I'm curious...why was Lucy let go?" I ask, half-fearing the answer.  
  
"One too many sermons that went into personal attacks," Aunt Julie tells me. "Remember that one, Mom, Dad...when Lucy lost the twins? Were you there, Simon?"  
  
"No, thank God." I'd been in my third year of college, but I heard about it later.  
  
She'd basically announced her loss to the whole congregation, then publicly and loudly blamed almost everyone in her family, including Kevin, Mom, and Eric.  
  
"So, Eric's now leaving and is joining this smaller, more fundamentalist Christian Church,"  
  
"Oh, my God..." I breathe.  
  
I try hard to imagine Eric leaving the Glen Oak Protestant Church he preached in for so many years. "So, what about the house...are they moving out?"  
  
"Yes…" Grandma Ruth tells me. "Eric starts with this new church on January seventh...they're getting another church house there...it's at the outer edge of Glen Oak."  
  
"What about Lucy and Martin?" I ask.  
  
"Moving with them from what I've heard...Eric and Annie hardly talk to us anymore..." Grandma Ruth says. "It's mostly Karen and Lily who have been in touch with us...especially since Annie's arrest."  
  
This news causes me to swallow pretty hard. "Arrest...Mom? What happened?"  
  
"Annie spent a night in jail the night Martin and Lucy fled to Vegas..." The Colonel fills me in.  
  
"She and Martin's father had some kind of altercation right on the front lawn and all the neighbors heard it..." The Colonel sips his coffee.  
  
"Savannah called Karen and Karen came and took the kids out of there...Savannah says the police were there and Annie was being led into the car in handcuffs...Beau was lying on the grass of the front lawn half-conscious...half of the neighbors were out, gawking...after the ambulance came, Annie was taken down to the police station for the night and Eric had to come bail her out."  
  
"Is Mr. Brewer all right?"  
  
"Yes...just a mild concussion..." Grandma Ruth says. "Annie's facing charges of assault...the trial's in mid-January...she could get thirty days in jail..."  
  
"Oh, no..." I feel a bit sick and struggle not to faint.  
  
Mom, oh, Mom...what's come over you, I plead silently.  
  
I've been angry at Mom for a long time, but I certainly would never wish jail on her.  
  
"Simon...we're so proud of you for caring about those kids..." Julie tells me. "Karen tells me how great you've been with them...you helped improve their lives..."  
  
"Thanks..." I say.  
  
I really don't know how much better Savannah, Rick, and the twins lives' will be in the coming New Year and the future, but I'm glad to know that Kaylee is now in a stable home and that Savannah and Rick will be out of that family for a few hours per weekday.  
  
They'll have regular contact with their grandma Karen and aunt Lily to temper the dysfunction in my family.  
  
For most of the rest of the day, I alternate between enjoying this time with my Buffalo family and feeling shocked and a tad shaky over the last drama in the Glen Oak half of my family.  
  
I especially am having quite a time dealing with Mom getting into trouble with the law.  
  
A relatively peaceful night for all of us here passes...we catch up on ordinary things...the Colonel is taking walks to strengthen his heart again.  
  
Grandma Ruth's newest quilt won first prize in a Christmas bazaar this year.  
  
She takes it out from the bedroom and shows it to us...it's lovely with a bright red background and sequined little green Christmas trees.  
  
The sequins catch the light and glitter.  
  
Erica starred in the school Christmas play as the sugarplum in a rendition of The Nutcracker.  
  
I tell them about my new film-producing job starting in a week and about my re-union with Deena.  
  
"So, you're not planning to elope with Deena, are you?" George jokes.  
  
"No...if things progress and we wind up married in a few years, you're all invited to our wedding...but it's still too early...I'm spending New Year's Eve night with her."  
  
"Single bed?" George queries.  
  
"Oh, George!" I laugh a little, but turn deep red.  
  
I blush even redder when I remember the first night Deena and I lay together.  
  
"I think we've delved into Simon's private love life enough," Grandma Ruth smiles. "Simon's the reddest I've ever seen anyone right now."  
  
I leave at noon New Year's Eve, hugging everyone goodbye. Aunt Julie gives me a ride to the train and we hug goodbye...Julie, Erica, and me.  
  
"Good luck in your new career, have a good time with Deena and I hope things blossom between you two, and Happy New Year, Simon," Aunt Julie tells me.  
  
"Happy New Year to both of you...have a safe trip home..."  
  
My aunt and niece are heading home right after I leave.  
  
George is staying with my grandparents to see the New Year in.  
  
Waiting for the train, I call Karen and she basically confirms what went on with my Glen Oak family and asks how the Gallaghers were. I tell her.  
  
"Hold on...Savannah's here..."  
  
"Hiiii, Uncle Simon!" Savannah's sweet voice chirps into the receiver.  
  
"Hello, Savannah, dear!" I tell her, tears welling in my eyes.  
  
"Thanks for the drawing set, Uncle Simon...and Rick thanks you for the block set you gave him."  
  
"You're quite welcome..." I'm so glad Karen was able to get the gifts to them. "Did you have a good Christmas with your aunt and grandma?"  
  
"Yes...Grandma got me and Rick because my other Grandma was hitting that man in the yard with a spaghetti net thing...she was so mad I got scared...I was scared Grandma Annie was going to kill that man, so I called Grandma Karen...the cops came and took Grandma Annie...but when I came back home yesterday, Grandma Annie was home, but Mommy says she might go to jail."  
  
"Wow...that is scary…you did the right thing," I say. "I'm very proud of you."  
  
"Thanks...Mommy married Martin on Christmas...she didn't have any wedding party or anything...she and Martin went to this place called Hawaii to do it...Grandpa had to go get her and Martin because they got into a fight in Hawaii...they saw Aunt Mary there who married Daddy...we're moving in January because Grandpa is mad at the church and moved to another church...and Simon, guess what...I'm going to school after New Year's Day."  
  
"That's wonderful, honey..." I say. "I know you'll like meeting other girls your age and having friends."  
  
"Am I going to have lots of friends?" Savannah asks.  
  
"I'm sure a sweet girl like you will," I tell her.  
  
We talk a bit more about school and teachers, then about what she'd heard about the new church Eric has joined.  
  
He'll be the associate pastor there, it looks like.  
  
It's weird to think of Eric not preaching to the main Glen Oak population.  
  
I tell her about the Gallaghers and tell her I hope she gets to meet them and how nice they are.  
  
I also tell her about the church we went to and Christmas in New England and New York.  
  
I also tell her about meeting an old friend, Deena from school.  
  
"There's lots of snow in New Hampshire..." I tell her.  
  
"Is it as white and pretty as it looks on TV?" she asks.  
  
"It is...it's cold and a bit wet, but fun to play in," I say. "I hope you get a chance to come here soon one winter and see it for yourself."  
  
"Did you meet Deena in school?" Savannah asks.  
  
"Yes, I did...we had fun together...I was around twelve when we became friends...she moved after eighth grade, but we re-met in New York...she's an architect...she's very nice...I hope you can meet her soon."  
  
I'm so relieved Savannah and Rick had a safe place to stay for Christmas. I hope their New Year can be peaceful also.  
  
"Happy New Year, Uncle Simon...have fun with Deena," Savannah tells me.  
  
"Happy New Year to you, honey...have fun in school...I hope you learn a lot and make wonderful friends there," I tell her.  
  
Perhaps it is the coming New Year or getting to know the Gallaghers has made me a bit stronger...strong enough to gather the courage to finally call the Glen Oak house.  
  
Mostly I want to get to the bottom of why Mom assaulted Beau Brewer so viciously. And it's Mom who picks up.  
  
"Simon...finally..." she says coldly.  
  
I can't suppress a slight shudder at Mom's tone.  
  
Somehow, Mom always has a strong effect on me, good or bad.  
  
"Hi, Mom..." My voice catches.  
  
"It's been a long time..." Mom says.  
  
She sounds the same as she always has, but just a bit terse and impatient as she has sounded this autumn and winter.  
  
"You haven't returned any of my calls..." Mom continues. "Until today..."  
  
"How are you?" I ask. "I heard about what happened with you over Christmas...and Eric no longer being with the church...Lucy and Martin...Mary and Kevin...and you and Beau..."  
  
"I bet Kevin's mother shared all the gory details with you..." Mom says bitterly.  
  
"Martin and Lucy just took off on us right before Christmas and pulled their little stunt...I'm not sure I can forgive Lucy for a long time for this...or Beau, who kicked his own son out and forced him to come to our doorstep..." Mom pauses, then continues her complaints.  
  
"Beau and Lucy were the cause of this...not to mention Ruthie...Ruthie's been so intolerable, her father and I asked her to move out...she did..."  
  
"Why did you assault Beau, Mom?" I ask. "And right at Christmastime?"  
  
"Beau came barging into our house uninvited and started accusing me of bad parenting...I told him to leave and he wouldn't," Mom huffs indignantly. "Why do you automatically blame me for things that go wrong? What is up with you and the grudge I can tell you're still carrying?"  
  
Taking a breath, I count to five before answering. "It isn't about me...it's about Beau...from what I heard, you injured him and got arrested..."  
  
"Beau was trespassing in my house," Mom justifies. "He wouldn't stop his accusations and blame, so I had to put him in his place...I had the mesh net...Beau just made me so angry...that man has no sense of responsibility for his own bad parenting..."  
  
"Mom, you could have called the police if he was..." I start.  
  
"Simon, I really wish you would have more sympathy for me," Mom interrupts. "You spend all this time gushing your feelings and sympathies on others...but not me...I have feelings too, Simon and it's time you recognized that."  
  
"I'm trying, Mom, but this isn't easy for me to understand..."  
  
"If you really had any sympathy for me, you'd understand..." Mom butts in. "Beau was getting me really mad...I was under enough stress...if you'd bothered calling me sooner, you'd realize that not only was I dealing with you turning your back on me, but I had to deal with Ruthie's attitude and her horrible behavior especially when she called me all sorts of horrible names one night, Sam and David's general disrespect and their trashing the house, which your dad will have to pay for, Martin having to move here, Lucy starting petty arguments over her wedding details when I was trying to help her, then her running off with Martin and excluding me altogether, not to mention that Kinkirk woman and Lily's interference...and that last part, you helped to cause, Simon...so when Beau started on me, what was I supposed to do, sit there, grin and take his insults?"  
  
"N-no..." I say. "But you could have just quietly told him to..."  
  
"No, I should not have had to tell that man anything!" Mom snaps. "You, who haven't been here, are in no position to be telling me what I should have told anyone."  
  
"Maybe not," I concede, not wanting to fight with her, not wanting her negative energy to erode my newly growing strength.  
  
I am not that strong yet, not that brave. I wonder if I ever will be.  
  
It'll be a question for Dr. Ginsblau, my counselor.  
  
"No, you certainly aren't," Mom says. "Did you call me to add your blame like most of the rest of this family is doing...or to really talk civilly and try to work this rift between us out?"  
  
For a long minute, I don't know what to say.  
  
"Simon..." Mom huffs impatiently.  
  
"I guess I called to let you know how sorry I am for all the mess this family's been through...including you...and I do have sympathy for you...you still have a lot of anger in you and it's hurting you...have you thought of seeing someone...?"  
  
"Oh, Simon, almost everyone except Martin is blaming me and I'm the one who needs a counselor? Is that what you're saying?"  
  
"I'm seeing a psychologist myself in January," I tell her. "I know I still have lots of issues to deal with...I thought maybe you could see someone who could help you deal with your anger at us...even at me...I know most of us have let you down, Mom...perhaps a counselor could help you all also...you'd then stop blaming each other..."  
  
"And what about you...is this counselor you're seeing going to get you to stop blaming me for what's wrong in your life?"  
  
"I think I've already moved beyond blaming anyone else, including you," I say. "I'm not as angry with you as I was earlier and back in November...seeing the Gallaghers helped me gain some balance...some resiliency and strength...but I know I still have a long way to do...I have unhealthy patterns I have to break that started from my childhood...don't you want to move beyond being angry at people, especially those in your family?"  
  
Mom has a minute of rare silence.  
  
"Actually, I wish I wasn't so angry with all of you..." she says, sounding a tad less harsh than she has in a long time.  
  
I even wonder if the maternal, loving self she sometimes displayed years ago is still there.  
  
"But things happened, starting even before you were born...before my affair even."  
  
"If you talked this over with someone...somebody objective and removed from the family, you'd begin to find a way out of your unhappiness...so would Lucy and Ruthie...and Eric," I say. "I wish I'd seen a counselor even as a teenager..."  
  
"I remember that awful attitude you had back then," Mom says. "I know I had to deal with bad attitudes from Mary and Ruthie too, but I always knew you were different from the other children...I couldn't pinpoint it, but that difference was there...I knew that since you stemmed from that affair, you'd be different...I suspect Eric caught on, but never admitted it...even you seemed to push me away at times, as if you knew about my affair..." Mom pauses.  
  
"I wondered if you subconsciously suspected me...your eyes, so different from everyone else would peer at me so closely, I'd feel uncomfortable with you...you've always been so difficult for me to understand...and you had that way of pushing me away, which made it harder for me...that secret was there...I guess I should have figured it would come out."  
  
"I suspected something was different about me too..." My voice catches. "At night, I'd lie in the bunk over Ruthie's and wonder about it and I think I kind of was suspicious of a secret you and Eric had kept from us...someone at school once asked if I was adopted...I said no, but I remember my heart pounding for a while afterward."  
  
"So you're finally beginning to get where I'm coming from?" Mom asks.  
  
"I'm starting to...but I think it's take some time...I hope you can understand also...I don't mean to hurt you when I seem to pull away...but I'm not that strong enough to deal with what's happened all these years...and I've been afraid of us saying things we'd regret later...and I've been thinking about the lies all of us have told each other and ourselves...it really came out this past fall, Mom, in ways none of us expected...and Matt's death really forced this all out."  
  
My throat and brows tighten at mentioning Matt's name.  
  
I know I will hurt for a long time over the loss of Matt and I suspect many others will also.  
  
"It's nice to hear you not blaming me for a change," Mom says. "Simon...I do hope all goes well for you in New York...and I hope you'll move past your own anger issues and can come back for a visit once in a while...I hope you won't shut me out anymore."  
  
"I'll try, Mom," I say softly. "I think it'll be a long time before I visit Glen Oak...but I'll keep in touch with you...I just need time to heal...I think we all do...my train's coming, so I have to go...Happy New Year, Mom...I hope next year's better for you...all of you..."  
  
"Happy New Year, Simon..." Mom says more softly than she has in a while before we click off.  
  
I'm relieved to have reached a bit of a truce, a bit of closure with Mom.  
  
Our mother-son relationship has always been complicated and difficult for both of us to understand and probably always will be.  
  
I still worry about how it'll affect my life in the future...it's something I will have to talk Dr. Ginsblau about...I know I will really need help in breaking unhealthy patterns and behaviors I've learned.  
  
I put my cell into my pocket as I board the train back home to New York City and to Deena.


	19. Chapter 19

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**  
  
_By_ : CNJ  
  
PG-13  
  
**19**

There's no snow yet back in New York City, but it is very cold and blustery with a wintry gray sky.

  
Getting back in the early afternoon of New Year's Eve, I unpack some and call Deena.  
  
She's back and tells me about her Christmas with her mom...there were lots of other relatives there at her mom's place.  
  
"You should have seen the Christmas clothes my grandmother had," Deena says, laughing a bit. "It was all Christmas trees close together and her skirt had bells and ornaments all over it."  
  
We both laugh. Deena's grandmother is really into Christmas, especially since her birthday is in December also.  
  
I tell her about my Christmas and about the Gallaghers and my stay with my grandparents.  
  
"I hope you can meet them one day," I tell her. "I felt as if I'd know them for years."  
  
"That's wonderful, Simon...I'm so happy for you...I'm glad you got away from that mess back in Glen Oak...have you heard anything about what happened with Lucy and Martin?"  
  
I tell her the latest and that Beau is thinking of suing Martin for the twenty thousand dollars that went onto that card.  
  
Thinking of credit card debt reminds me that I'll have my own bills to pay coming in January...a couple of thousand in moving costs and holiday bills.  
  
Unlike Martin, though, I don't have to steal someone else's card to do it.  
  
I know I will be responsible for my own bills as well as my own life, especially this new life I have created.  
  
"He should..." Deena says. "Did Beau cancel early?"  
  
"That's part of the trouble...Beau didn't realize his card was missing until a few days later," I say. "So he might still be held accountable for part of the bill."  
  
"Let's hope he sues then," Deena says. "So, let's meet at my place at five tonight and we eat?"  
  
"Sure...see you tonight."  
  
As I finish unpacking, stepping around some boxes that are still unpacked from my move here, I marvel that New Year's Eve is here and that tomorrow will be January first, the start of a new year.  
  
For me, it'll also be the start of a new career and basically a new life.  
  
I take out my copy of the picture of us Gallaghers from our Christmas portrait, frame it and place it on a shelf in my bedroom.  
  
It's near a picture of Happy, the dog my Glen Oak family had when we were growing up.  
  
Gazing at Happy's picture takes me back in time for a while...she was so precious and I used to love to cuddle and pet her.  
  
She was a frisky white sheepdog with long fur covering her eyes and was so smart.  
  
I vaguely remember praying for Happy...I was around ten and I wanted a dog more than anything in the world.  
  
Another memory connected this one is of sitting upstairs in the attic, brooding that I'd never be able to get a dog...Eric had found me there and we'd talked.  
  
Eric reminded me that in life, we didn't always get what we wanted and I'd always known that, but this was one wish I wanted to come true.  
  
At first my parents were reluctant to get a dog, fearing that perhaps we kids would neglect it, but it was Mom who went by the pound and who saw Happy.  
  
Happy had been in danger of being put to sleep, so Mom got her out and brought her home for us to keep.  
  
I'd been so happy I'd let out a loud cheer and thanked God.  
  
It was at a time when Mom and my relationship was in a smoother stage...for around my tenth through twelfth year, Mom and I didn't have as much trouble relating and I'd begun to have hope that maybe things would get easier and Mom would stay the warm, loving mother she can be when she wanted to be.  
  
It was Mom who'd held me when Happy's first owner came into our Glen Oak house and threatened to take Happy back.  
  
I remember how frightened I'd been of him...he'd been so sure of himself and never raised his voice...but he came with this man I now know was his lawyer and I'll never forget how he just swept Happy's least right out of my hand.  
  
I remember vividly the pain both Ruthie and I felt and the tears that filled my eyes.  
  
Happy's retreating back out the door was the last thing I'd been able to see before the tears forced my eyes shut.  
  
I'd feared I'd seen the last of that sweet dog.  
  
Ruthie and I had cried and cried for hours...even Ruthie, who doesn't cry easily.  
  
Eric had held Ruthie, I think, but I hadn't been able to see because I'd been crying to hard myself as I leaned on Mom.  
  
I'll never forget feeling Mom's warm arms around me as I wept into her shoulder as my heart broke.  
  
She'd whispered sweet words meant to comfort, but I don't remember what she said.  
  
I just recall feeling as if I'd never stop crying and wanting Mom's arms around me forever.  
  
It was two or three days before Ruthie or I could stop crying. In connection with this memory is both of us being in the bathroom, although I don't remember why we were cleaning out the tub and Matt coming in to try to comfort us.  
  
Tears threaten to well in my eyes now as I remember Matt's arm around me telling us to hang in there.  
  
So much had been lost since then…in different ways, I've lost Matt, Mom, and Ruthie along with Happy.  
  
Happy and Matt are dead, gone to what I fervently hope is with God. Leaning back on my bed, I say a short prayer to God to say hello to both of them for me and to look out for them. I miss them both so much.  
  
I've lost Mom and Ruthie in different ways…at around my eighth grade year, one thing that caused Mom to withdraw from me was when I'd been giggling with a group of friends after school.  
  
It was just four or five of us guys in school, I don't even remember half of their names, but we'd been goofing around as we waited for our parents and the busses to take us home.  
  
Mom and sometimes Eric or Matt drove us kids to and from school every day. That day had been Mom's turn to take Ruthie and me home from school.  
  
Like many kids do at thirteen and in middle school, my friends and I had been experimenting with burping, fart sounds, and crude hand gestures to make each other laugh.  
  
It had been my misfortune that just as I'd raised both of my middle fingers in the air, Mom had driven up at that same moment and caught me.  
  
She's been so furious that she'd given me the cold treatment for several days and complained loudly to Eric.  
  
Eric had actually been calmer about it than Mom although he does not like crude language or gestures any more than Mom does.  
  
As Mom had carped about my obscene gesture, she'd kept referring to me as your son to Eric.  
  
I quirk my left eyebrow wryly as I think over the irony of that phrase.  
  
Your son about three or four times in Mom's rant and it had hurt me deeply. I'd felt cold and terrible inside, as if I'd lost Mom's love.  
  
She'd come around a few days later...I vaguely remember us sitting in the car and I'd started to cry and Mom had held me and gave her reasons why she said what she did and dropped her cold treatment.  
  
But I think it was around then that somehow, the warm mother-son moments started to become less frequent and less warm.  
  
By tenth grade, Mom and I were barely speaking, partly because I was going through a rough adolescence and Mom was dealing with the twins, Mary's issues, and Eric and Matt being at odds.  
  
Things got even worse in college when I became sexually active.  
  
I still have a hard time today getting over the time I was going with someone named Georgia Huffington and Mom and Eric had invaded my privacy in an attempt to micromanage my sex life.  
  
I'd been at college for a little over a year and had come to Glen Oak for a short visit.  
  
Mom and Eric were already upset with me because I could not stay the entire summer.  
  
But Georgia and I had spent time in the bedroom I was staying in when we thought everyone had left.  
  
Turns out Sam and David had gotten into trouble on their first day of kindergarten, so Mom had to bring them back home mid-morning.  
  
She'd caught me and Georgia just as we were almost out the front door.  
  
I'll never forget the humiliation I'd felt when Mom, leaving Georgia alone in the foyer, ordered me into the living room and demanded flat-out if I was having sex.  
  
I'd refused to dignify that with an answer and walked out.  
  
She'd been furious and I don't think things were really the same between us since then.  
  
That might have been when I started to really lose her.  
  
But when I found out about her lie to me this past November was when I lost her for good...lost the loving, seemingly honest mother who used to hold me when I cried, lost the mom who protected and comforted me and my siblings...lost the mom who lovingly made us delicious meals and snacks and who listened to our days at school.  
  
A tear rolls down my face as I silently mourn this loss.  
  
I still have parts of Mom, but it's a different Mom than the one I knew in my childhood, even teen years and even my college years.  
  
But I am relieved that this different Mom and I reached an uneasy truce this morning; both of us tried to seek an end to this insanity and seek closure.  
  
I lost Ruthie in a similar, yet different way than Mom...she and I, partly by virtue of being the two youngest before the twins came along, did lots of things together, often involving Happy.  
  
As children, we'd played all kinds of pretend games and superhero games and shared comic books and fun little puzzle and drawing books.  
  
I used to sometimes read to Ruthie before bedtime if Mom was busy with our older siblings.  
  
Thinking back now, but didn't realize back then, Ruthie and I were opposites in so many ways...she was bubbly, outgoing, and bouncy.  
  
She'd talk to complete strangers, telling them stuff that perhaps was better kept unsaid. She usually was much braver than me.  
  
I was quieter, more timid, more cautious by nature, and much more introverted.  
  
I'd say hello to strangers, but that was about it.  
  
Often Ruthie would be to one who would scare me with stories about ghosts in the attic and about dead people watching us at night.  
  
I'd often try to find someplace quiet to think, especially when I was miserable about something or just had a hectic day in school...which was no mean feat in a large, loud family...and Ruthie would often sidle up to me, asking, What are we doing?  
  
I'd usually tell her I'm thinking or if I had a book or something beside me, pick it up and pretend to be busy with it.  
  
She sometimes got the hint; other times she didn't.  
  
I'd adored her also and used to love to hold her when she was a baby and toddler...I'd been fascinated by her curls and she'd been fascinated by my straight hair.  
  
It was around high school or so when our relationship changed...I myself started going through puberty in ninth grade and was often moody and depressed.  
  
And I was dealing with high school when Ruthie was in fifth grade.  
  
By the time I left for college, Ruthie was in middle school and started dating Peter Petrowski and was mostly occupied with him and his friends.  
  
Once she started high school, she became so wrapped up in guys and her looks that I almost didn't recognize her when I visited from college.  
  
I'd tried a couple of times to re-connect with her since maybe with her in high school, she'd find common ground with me since we were then both teens...but she'd only want to talk about her latest boyfriend or things like clothes, makeup and how she looked...things had held no interest for me.  
  
I myself was wrapped up in college and meeting lots of different people.  
  
I'd always known it was not a "Camden world" out there, but actually fully experiencing that world was a tad overwhelming for me at times...and this was in light of my trauma from the accident I'd had after my junior year in high school.  
  
After my accident, I'd found it hard to talk to anyone, including Cecilia and even Matt or Sarah.  
  
I'd been so sure I'd wind up in a mental hospital and knew inside myself, I'd never be the same again.  
  
I eventually got counseling with a good psychologist, but I am still sometimes haunted by those painful memories even today.  
  
But it was this year when I really lost Ruthie, perhaps for good...her asking me to lie for her, her asking me to facilitate her affair with the married-Martin, her helping to shatter my world by exposing the lie my life had been to retaliate against me for refusing to enable her lies.  
  
That last one did turn out to be a favor for me because I got to meet my birth dad and his wonderful family.  
  
I smile wryly as I contemplate sending Ruthie a thank you card for it.  
  
But as I get up to take a shower and get ready for tonight, I think back on that dreadful hospital scene where she basically told me to get out of her life...and I had left her life because I just couldn't take anymore.  
  
Things between Ruthie and me have forever changed.  
  
As I shower, I clear my mind of these memories and thoughts and try to focus on my life now...my renewed relationship with Deena, my growing relationship with the Gallagher side of my family, my bond with Sarah and my bond with my nieces and nephews on both sides of the States.  
  
Sarah and her family will be back on January third...I'll be glad to see them again, especially Sarah, Miriam, and Jacob.  
  
I can't wait to hear about their adventures in Switzerland.  
  
Sarah had sent me a postcard telling me that the kids are learning how to ski on the "bunny" slopes.  
  
I am so glad I didn't lose touch with Savannah and Rick...that day earlier this month, that traumatic morning that Lucy ordered me out of the house and I left Glen Oak for good, I feared I'd also lost Savannah, Rick, and Kaylee forever and they'd lost their uncle...two uncles with Matt's death.  
  
As I get dressed and comb my hair, I make a mental vow to try to get Savannah and Rick here to visit me in the next year or so.  
  
Karen or Lily would be able to help in that department.  
  
Perhaps I can have them over when there is snow so they can see it.  
  
Deena and I wind up eating at a Trattoria's one train stop away from where she lives.  
  
The food there is swell and we have to wait a half hour for a table, but it's worth it.  
  
We talk about our Christmases and our careers over dinner.  
  
We laugh as a couple comes in, wearing high, crazy New Year's hats.  
  
The hats are super-high top hates with lights and bizarre designs all over them.  
  
After eating, we walk around a bit and see a lot of people dressed up, going to New Year's parties all over the city.  
  
Deena and I are having our own party right in her place, so we head back to her apartment, start the fire and just lie in her bed, whispering over hot chocolate and listening to traffic, party sounds, and the wind outside.  
  
At around ten, we watch a movie on her DVD, lying close.  
  
I'd forgotten how lovely it feels to have her so close to me...I can feel our hearts beating in a rhythm, as if we are in sync with one another.  
  
During the movie, she strokes my hair several times.  
  
We just lie there in silent comfort, falling back in love again...midnight comes quickly and we pause the tape to watch the ball drop over Times Square.  
  
Once it does and the New Year has dawned, firecrackers snap and sputter outside and people partying whoop and holler in various places throughout the city.  
  
I sit up and Deena and I kiss.  
  
"Happy New Year, Simon," Deena whispers.  
  
"Happy New Year, Deena," I whisper back.  
  
For the first time in a long time, I'm in love, really in love.  
  
We hug and fall back on the bed, laughing.  
  
We'd forgotten why we'd loved each others' company back in middle school, but now we remember why with even more clarity.  
  
As the New Year's celebration in Times Square and all over outside and around the world swirls around us, Deena and I celebrate by making love several times.  
  
At first, I swallow, picturing Mom and Eric's disapproving glares, but as if Deena can sense what I am thinking, she whispers, "They're not here...and they don't decide your life anymore..."  
  
Laughing and thanking her, I banish Mom and Eric from my mind and delve into the lovemaking.  
  
I know now that there is no crime, no sin in two consenting adults loving each other openly, especially in celebrating something as special as a New Year starting and perhaps a new life.


	20. Chapter 20

**Lies We Tell Ourselves and Each Other**  
  
_By_ : CNJ  
  
PG-13  
  
**20**

January second. The second day into the new year.  
  
The holidays are pretty much over.

I am more than ready to start my new career in just a few short days.  
  
Deena and I have had a wonderful New Year's celebration.  
  
I am still over at her apartment, where we spent a quiet New Year's Day making love, eating, talking, and watching DVD's.  
  
We also watched a bit of the New Year parade.  
  
It's around nine or so on January second when I wake up before Deena.  
  
She's still asleep, so I leave her a note, telling her than I am going for a walk and will be back in a while.  
  
It's snowing lightly outside as I walk briskly down the sidewalk and down several streets.  
  
People are also out walking, but since it is a Sunday, not too many of them are going to work.  
  
I myself will be joining the work commuters in just a few days.  
  
I stop in a deli and get a cup of tea, which I carry along and sip.  
  
After a twenty-minute walk, I find myself at Central Park.  
  
It's a huge, wide park with lots of people out and walking.  
  
I walk around a bit, enjoying the light snow and seeing all sorts of people out and about, some dressed in incredible outfits.  
  
One lady is riding a bike covered with New Year's banners and blowing a party horn.  
  
There are also a few food venders braving the morning cold and selling snacks.  
  
I go over and sit on one of the iron benches and watch a group of kids playing.  
  
One of them is pulling a sled, although there is no snow accumulation on the ground yet.  
  
The flakes falling are still sporadic and very light...not enough to stick.  
  
I feel as if I am seeing much more of the wide world here in the city and just seeing and variety of people milling through Central Park opens my eyes all the more.  
  
Glen Oak seems like a distant, closed dream, a world that had its own culture and was separate from much of the world.  
  
Perhaps Matt always knew this also, but I also knew there was a world bigger than Glen Oak, a world where yes, people had non-marital sex and still were good people, a world where people of differing faiths and some of no religion co-existed peacefully, a world where gay people existed, a world where perfectly happy families had children without marriage.  
  
I also knew that there are many dysfunctional families in the world and that parents were not always wise and not always honest.  
  
As I got older, I suspected that Mom and Eric didn't always know the right thing to do...but until recently never really understood the deepness of their lies.  
  
Because of the examples they set for us seven kids, both good and bad, we all carried those legacies into our adulthood, including the lies they told us...we siblings then learned to lie, myself included.  
  
One clear recollection I have is when I was a sophomore in high school and trying to defend this one boy who was being continually harassed in school, Lucy had dropped out of the college in New York City and come home to Glen Oak.  
  
She'd been crying a lot and complaining about how "awful" New York was and about Jeremy, the boyfriend she'd stayed with at the time.  
  
I'd found it strange in a way because Matt and Sarah were living in New York and had no trouble with the city at all.  
  
Even if Lucy had trouble with Jeremy and the college, New York had plenty of other options here.  
  
I'd wondered why Lucy hadn't gotten a job there and rented a room or a dorm or gone to another college.  
  
I'd done my best to stay out of it since it really wasn't my business, although Lucy went around snapping at everyone and picked a fight with Ruthie and with Robbie Palmer, who'd been living at the Glen Oak house at the time.  
  
Mom and I had also been having our problems with Mom complaining endlessly about the menopause she was going through and about my "bad" attitude.  
  
Later, Mom got Lucy to tell her a version of what happened with Jeremy's family...I didn't get the whole thing, but basically Lucy had been shocked to find out that Jeremy's family was more progressive, had non-marital sex, drank, and some of the members had even used drugs.  
  
Jeremy and his family sensed Lucy's disapproval and shock, so they in turn rejected her...they fought and Lucy left Jeremy's place and came back to Glen Oak with Lucy complaining bitterly that it was not a "Camden world" out there.  
  
I'd been surprised that she didn't know this and seemed too shocked.  
  
I know now that Eric and Mom lied to her in leading her to believe that she was special and that the world was Camdenized.  
  
I'd kept my thoughts to myself and just concentrated on trying to fend off Mom's criticism of me and my life, which had hurt and made me feel worse about myself than I was already feeling.  
  
But now I'm glad I have this new start away from that Camden world, which is now in pieces of dysfunction, torn apart by the lies we all told...to ourselves and each other.  
  
I intend to live in the real world and try to be more truthful from now on. No more lies.  
  
Once I have kids, I will make sure I do not lie to them and will try not to mislead them they way Mom and Eric often misled all of us kids.  
  
Kids deserve to know the truth about the world and themselves.  
  
The wind picks up even more, carrying the dainty white flakes faster.  
  
I finish my tea and look for a trash receptacle.  
  
As I look around, I see a figure in the distance...she is bundled in several scarves, a thick beige coat, gloves, and several hats.  
  
She is walking slowly and hunched, as if she is unused to cold weather and is attempting to protect herself from the cold.  
  
Her dark curls blow out from under her multiple hats and I am startled to see her heading in my direction, peering at me.  
  
At first I wonder who she is, but am even more startled when she gets close to me and I see her eyes.  
  
"Ruthie!" I drop my cup and have to retrieve it.  
  
"Hi, Simon..." she says.  
  
"Hello..." I am momentarily speechless and wonder how in God's name she made it here.  
  
Looking around fearfully, I check to see if Mom or anyone else has joined her, but there is no one else familiar in sight.  
  
"I know you're shocked to see me…can I sit?" she asks as she loosens some of her scarves.  
  
"Yes, I am...sure...sit," I gesture. She sits.  
  
"It's so cold here...how do you stand it?" Ruthie complains.  
  
"You get used to it...and have lots of hot drinks." I show her my tea cup.  
  
Lots of mixed feelings are flowing through me at this moment...relieved that she doesn't seem to be here to attack me and also a bit fearful as to why she is here, fearful that she might ask me to lie for her again or drag me into one of her schemes.  
  
"How did you get here?" I ask after a speechless minute.  
  
"Road trip...I don't live at home anymore," Ruthie tells me. "I moved out of there...I live with some friends a few blocks away from home still in Glen Oak...these guys I've met."  
  
"I heard," I say, leaning back.  
  
"One of my roommates, Zack, was coming up here to help a friend move out of the city...I was the only one who'd be around, so he invited me to come along...we took a four-day road trip, leaving the day after Christmas...he's helping this guy move, so I decided to take a walk...I've always wanted to see what Central Park looked like, so I came here."  
  
"It's good to see you...I'm so sorry for what's been going on back in Glen Oak with you and the rest of the family...I heard about Martin and Lucy...and Mary and Kevin...and Eric leaving the church...and Mom and Beau..."  
  
"I doubt you've heard the half of most of it," Ruthie says shortly.  
  
"Oh..." I say. "Can you tell me the parts I don't know about...like whatever possessed our mother to beat Beau into near-unconsciousness...and whether Martin has anything new up his sleeve...and how the kids fared in all this?"  
  
"I'm done with Martin...and Lucy." Ruthie curls her lip in disgust. "I never want to see either of those two again...Lucy disgusts me the way she clamped onto Martin...you know Lucy got me kicked out of the house?"  
  
I shake my head and nod for her to go on.  
  
"She did..." Ruthie goes on. "She called me a tramp and made me so mad I slapped her...it was a few days before Christmas and I was having enough trouble as it was...I was recovering from my surgery..."  
  
My eyes widen. "You had surgery? I'm so sorry..."  
  
"It wasn't anything major...it was just...some stitches from my miscarriage..." Ruthie sighs.  
  
I get the feeling that there is more behind her surgery than she is telling me, but I don't pry.  
  
"Why did she call you..." I clear my throat.  
  
"She didn't want me around Martin...she still thought I'd try to steal Martin back from her...Martin ignored me for several weeks after I lost his baby...then a week or so before Christmas, he started being civil to me, if not that warm...Lucy saw this and started getting jealous." Ruthie makes a face.  
  
"I overheard Lucy badmouthing me to Martin and telling Martin to stay away from me...but Martin didn't and once he even told Lucy to shut up when she was badmouthing me...they got into a fight and didn't talk for a few days...Lucy then started yelling at me, telling me to keep off Martin...as if..." Ruthie snorts.  
  
"Did you tell Mom what was going on...?" I ask.  
  
"Of course I did," Ruthie huffs. "But you and I both know how Mom and Dad favor Lucy...remember how Mom and Dad always labeled Lucy the 'good' one, especially when Mary got into all her crap and mess?"  
  
I nod.  
  
"And we both know she was no angel...she pulled just as much crap as anybody else, but Mom and Dad rarely punished her...so of course, when I tried to tell Mom, she sided with Lucy as she always does...so did Dad...Dad dotes on Lucy even worse than Mom...Mom just said that it was basically my fault and that Lucy had 'good reasons' to be yelling at me...Mom even had the nerve to blame me for Lucy and Martin fighting that time.."  
  
Ruthie rolls her eyes before continuing.  
  
"That night Mom and Dad kicked me out was horrible...Sam, that stupid brat, asked me if I was having sex with Martin again...Lucy was in Dad's study...she always uses Dad's study as her personal lounge and Dad lets her...she was there and overheard Sam...I told Sam no and to shut his mouth, but Lucy heard, came out and started yelling at me without even letting me say that I wasn't." Ruthie paused a minute.  
  
"She just kept it up, calling me names and telling me I was amoral, out-of-control and as bad as you with the sex...I told her I'd loved Martin, that I was not just using him for sex and that until she butted in, Martin and I had plans to marry...Lucy got even madder and called me a tramp...that's when I got so mad and slapped her...I couldn't take any more of her crap...I wanted to beat the puss out of her that night..." Ruthie looks at her shoe, than out over the park.  
  
"But right when I slapped her, Martin heard it and came running from the kitchen. Lucy whined that I slapped her, but of course didn't tell her side...Martin got mad at me and joined Lucy in yelling at me...I yelled back because I'd had it with the two of them and with Sam and David's stupidity...those boys were always on my back and causing trouble...Mom and Dad heard from upstairs by then...I'm sure all our neighbors could hear Martin and Lucy screaming at me by then..."  
  
"Oh, my Lor-" I start, then amend it so it doesn't seem like a swear according to Camden rules. "...goodness..." I manage lamely.  
  
"Yeah...Mom and Dad came tearing down the stairs, demanding to know what's going on...Mom glared accusingly at me and I knew she'd decided that I was the guilty one...Martin butted in and told Mom and Dad that I'd slapped Lucy...Lucy chimed in and put on this fake martyred little voice that she gets and pretended that her cheek hurt so bad..." Ruthie snorts again.  
  
"And of course, Mom and Dad bought Lucy's act and Martin's story hook, line and sinker...they ordered me out of their house...I tried to tell them that wasn't fair, that Lucy started it, but Mom basically told me to shut up and pack what I could...Dad told me I had thirty minutes to be out of the house...I didn't have any other choice but to pack what I could carry and call Zack...thank goodness he and his friends could take me in..."  
  
I just hope Savannah and Rick were not there to overhear this.  
  
"I spent Christmas there...by then I was fed up with all of them...Mom, Dad, Martin, the boys, and especially Lucy and her brats..."  
  
"Wait, Savannah and Rick aren't..."  
  
"I know you adore them and think they're sweet and cute, but when you're not around, they're spoiled and doted on...they either ignore me or are bratty to me...and now with Kevin's mother and with that Lily woman involved, those kids get even more doting...why did you call them in on us, Simon? That was a pretty low trick you pulled to get back at us...I know Mom and Dad are rotten jerks, but you really didn't have to punish all of us for Mom and Dad's stupidity..."  
  
"I wasn't trying to 'punish' anybody or pull any 'tricks' on anyone, Ruthie," I say quietly. "I just was looking out for three innocent kids who didn't ask to be born in our family problems..."  
  
"Yeah, thanks, Simon, for making me lose my daughter...and on top of losing Martin's baby as well...I was so sure it was going to be a boy...but I've lost both of them, one thanks to you..."  
  
"I'm sorry Kaylee was removed...but she's in a stable, safe home now...it wasn't healthy for her at the Glen Oak house..."  
  
"Next time, don't do me any favors," Ruthie snaps.  
  
Not knowing what to say, I fall silent. She's silent for a minute also.  
  
I wonder if she will leave, but she surprisingly keeps talking.  
  
I guess she doesn't find me too despicable, not the way Lucy and Martin definitely do.  
  
I can empathize with Ruthie since Lucy and Martin also judge her and find her lacking to their lofty, alleged "high" moral standards.  
  
It dawns on me that maybe that's why Ruthie has come to seek me out...now she's as low on the Lucy/Martin/Mom/Eric totem pole as me.  
  
"It would have served Mom right if Sam and David had been taken away...Sam should have been arrested for having that knife...Mom just acted like it was a spilled drink or something.. and I was in the hospital after my miscarriage, but no one cared...all Lucy cared about was her little precious son...Martin was suckered in by her and joined her in fawning over Rick...he just turned his back on me when I needed him most and went back to Lucy."  
  
"Why did you go out with Martin that night?" I ask.  
  
"I was lonely that night...I had no one on my side.. no one who cared about me...Lucy went crazy over Rick because Rick was coughing and couldn't stop...he sounded worse than you having an asthma attack...Mom, and Dad went with her...I wanted to go too, but Mom and Dad ordered me to stay home and babysit Savannah and Kaylee...so I was stuck home alone with my daughter, who started crying and wouldn't stop, no matter what I tried to do...Savannah kept whining about Rick and her mommy...she kept pestering me about when her mother would come home and asking me a million dumb questions...I was getting fed up and that's when Martin came over."  
  
"Did he try to help you with the kids?" I ask.  
  
"No," Ruthie snorts. "But I wanted to get away so bad...I was so sick of everything and everyone...Martin started to feel sorry for me and had his complaints about Sandy and how she just dumped him and took his own boys...and Martin's dad was giving him enough grief as it was.. so he offered to take me out for coffee and I jumped at it...anything to get away..."  
  
I shake my head in disbelief at the way she and Martin left the kids.  
  
"Unbelievable..." I mutter.  
  
"What's unbelievable is the way Lucy acts and how Mom and Dad have spoiled her beyond belief," Ruthie tells me.  
  
"So...you started to lose the baby when you were out with Martin?" I ask.  
  
"Yes...Martin panicked at first, but managed to get me to the hospital...it was awful and I was wheeled right past Mom and Dad, who of course stopped Martin and started barraging him...asking him about me...I was wheeled on alone and called for Martin, but Martin just ignored me and stayed with Mom and Dad...then from there went on to Lucy while I lay in the maternity ward losing my baby..."  
  
"I'm so sorry, Ruthie..." I say, my brows tightening.  
  
That must be awful to lose a baby that way. No one deserves that.  
  
Ruthie peers at me as if to see whether I am sincere. I really am.  
  
"Thanks...no one has ever said that to me about the baby," she softens a bit. "That time in the hospital...I was angry and disappointed...I was hoping Martin would come to his senses and come to me and at least offer me sympathy, even if he didn't get back with me or marry me...but he didn't bother with either..." she pauses briefly.  
  
"I guess when I saw you instead, I lashed out at you, I was so disappointed...I know I shouldn't have said those things to you and made you cry, but I was upset and a lot was going on in my life...by then, not even Mom or Dad were very sympathetic...Mom even had the nerve to imply that I'd brought it all on myself as if I willed the miscarriage...she even once hinted that I was going to hell because I had a two out of wedlock pregnancies."  
  
"Gosh..." I say. "Maybe Mom is also since she assaulted Beau...I'm sure God hasn't missed that...did you see what happened that night?"  
  
"I wasn't living there by then, but I heard the commotion several blocks away and came out from my place...almost all the neighbors were staring...it was the night Martin and Lucy ran off to Hawaii...Beau thought Mom had encouraged the elopement and I guess told her...Mom must have gone off because I saw her out there hitting Beau with the spaghetti strainer...Beau was trying to hold out his arms to defend himself, but she pushed him right down, sat on him and was just hitting him...it was unreal...it was as if she'd gone crazy.  
  
"The police came and so did the ambulance...there was all this noise...sirens going, Mom yelling at the top of her lungs at Beau, telling him that God was going to punish him...and Beau was being loaded onto a stretcher and Mom still kept screaming at Beau...that's when a cop came and handcuffed her...Mom tried to hit at him also, but the other officer threatened her with assaulting an officer charges, so Mom finally went...she stopped screaming, but just kept complaining all the way to the car."  
  
"It is unreal," I say. "I'm glad Savannah and Rick didn't have to witness that...and Ruthie...I'm glad you got out of there...I hope we can both move forward...I'm trying to...I know I've made lots of mistakes...we all have...I hope Mom and Eric can learn from their mistakes also...ditto Martin and Lucy..."  
  
"Those four never will," Ruthie says. "Mom, Dad, Lucy, and Martin will never in their lives admit to their faults or wrongdoings. My mistake was falling for a loser like Martin."  
  
"I'm glad you're away from Martin...take a few moments, Ruthie to think about where you want your life to go...I know these last few months have been hard on you also, but you can think back and think how you can build on there...I know I am...I'm trying to learn from the mistakes I've made this year and in the past and move from them...move forward...I start my new job in a few days...I hope you can start some career, get something going too."  
  
"Maybe..." Ruthie mutters.  
  
I'm not sure if my advice really will sink in...maybe not yet.  
  
"I think I do have something with Bill, this guy I met right before I came here," Ruthie says.  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah.. he's different from Martin or Mac...he's an accountant and is twenty-five...after I get back to Glen Oak, I'll be meeting him for dinner...he brought me a flower the second time he saw me."  
  
"That's...nice," I say.  
  
I really don't think she needs to rush into another relationship with a guy after Martin, but refrain from offering her unsolicited advice.  
  
"At first, I was kind of mad when you went away to college early...and jealous too," Ruthie admits.  
  
My brows shoot up in surprise.  
  
"I was left alone with the twins, then Peter moved away, so I was alone when I started high school...I didn't really have any friends besides Martin..." Ruthie says. "Even with Martin, he never really cared for me that way...now that I think about it, Martin always did play little push away and pull close games with me...you were gone and having sex and doing all these adventuresome things in college...and going off in film directing...you'd come home full of talk about people and places I couldn't relate to, so it made me even angrier and more jealous of you...I knew we'd grown so far apart."  
  
"We did," I agree.  
  
"You were always around when I was little...even if you moped around and spent too much time thinking...I guess I've always been a little jealous of you, Simon...you always came up with these imaginative story ideas for our games...I never could, so I just joined you...I'd see you lying on your bed or sitting by a window, deep in these thoughts and I'd ask what they were, hoping you'd let me in your inner world...but you rarely did...you'd just tell me, I'm thinking and would retreat...I was always jealous you could do that...I never could, so I had to just live with what went on around me."  
  
It surprises me that Ruthie had always been jealous of me even when we were little.  
  
If anything, at times, I'd envied her...how bold and outgoing she was and how she could just jump in with both feet while I hovered timidly on the edge, then stepped in one foot at a time.  
  
"I didn't really know you'd been envious that long," I admit. "I sometimes wished I could be bold like you were...you were the younger sister, yet you were braver...I was often afraid, but tried to hide it...I remember when we were lost...it was right in our neighborhood in Glen Oak, but it seemed so big at the time...you were about five, I was ten...I don't remember why we'd wandered so far from our house...do you remember...?"  
  
"No," Ruthie says.  
  
"I didn't want to tell you we were lost...I was responsible for you and you were depending on me to lead you home...but I remember my heart pounding and being so scared, but I tried to hide it from you...but I think you knew anyway...it didn't do much for my pride to have you, my little sister, see me so scared...I think Sergeant Micheals found us and took us home..."  
  
We're silent a minute, looking out over the park, the wind blowing our hair.  
  
Several of Ruthie's scarves have loosened, although she's still bundled up.  
  
I myself have just one medium-thick jacket with a hood.  
  
Perhaps it's because I went to college in northern California while Ruthie has lived all her life in tepid Glen Oak is why she finds New York so cold. I am used to cold weather.  
  
I see how very opposite we are, even as young children.  
  
Maybe that was a factor in us growing apart.  
  
Our lives have taken such different paths since I started high school.  
  
Not to mention that Mom and Eric have raised her entirely different than they raised me.  
  
And yet, both of us suffered from Mom and Eric's lies and dysfunction.  
  
And both of us have been adversely affected by Martin and Lucy's selfish actions and judgments.  
  
"Simon...I have to get going in a minute..." Ruthie says. "But I hope things go well for you here in New York...and your new job goes well...let's stay in touch...not be so angry with each other...I never meant what I said back in the hospital."  
  
"I hope things get better for you, Ruthie," I say as we stand. "I hope you find a direction in your life...start a career...and perhaps a family, one better than the one we grew up in...better than Lucy and Martin's...I'll keep in touch."  
  
I hear a guy calling Ruthie. In the distance is a tall redhead looking for her.  
  
"Goodbye, Simon," Ruthie waves as she departs.  
  
"Goodbye, Ruthie," I say softly.  
  
Watching her go, I feel better about our sibling relationship in a long, long time.  
  
I know we will never be as close as we once were.  
  
But I am glad we realize that we can end this ice war between us and stop being so angry with each other.  
  
I do plan to call her once in a while to see how she is.  
  
And I do hope Bill is much better than Martin.  
  
The soft snow, which stopped for a while when Ruthie and I were talking, starts up again as I head home. Walking slowly, I enjoy the hushed winter silence and look upward to the sky, to the heavens where I hope Matt can see us.  
  
I hope he can see his kids grow up and see his wife finish raising them.  
  
Maybe Ms. Kerjez is there watching us also.  
  
Thinking of God, now that I am freeing myself from Mom and Eric's conditioning and their view of their God, I am actually freeing myself to form a closer, more genuine bond with God...I know I can now worship God without all the edicts and narrow prejudices.  
  
It's something to build on, just like my new life.  
  
Like the building snow, I feel my own life coming together as I walk back home to Deena...there's a new energy in my gait and my heart is lighter than it's been in a long, long time.

_Storyline Copyright 2010 by CNJ_


End file.
